Co-parent refuses to work from home so his ex can commute 100 miles daily, she accuses him of sabotaging her career: ‘We separated 7 years ago, not my monkey, not my circus’

Author image for Etai Eshet
Etai Eshet • Editor
Jun 18, 2026 4:00 PM EDT

Demanding your ex to rearrange his entire work schedule so you can commute 100 miles a day is a bold move, and doing it while accusing him of being bitter when he says no is somehow even bolder.

Co-parenting after a breakup already requires a level of coordination that would exhaust most project managers. Both people have moved on, built new lives, and figured out a system that mostly works. Then one person makes a big unilateral career decision, the childcare math stops adding up, and suddenly the ex is being asked to pick up the slack while also being told he is emotionally compromised for not immediately agreeing. The audacity of the pivot is genuinely impressive.

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  • Black-and-white portrait of a bearded man reclining outdoors near a wooden fence and leafy plants.
    via Felicia Montenegro

    Man sitting outside looking unmoved like he's done rearranging his life around an ex's demands, as shown by a model.

  • My ex girlfriend has taken a new job 100 miles from home and is planning on commuting...AITAH for not changing my work arrangements to suit her

    So basically, my ex girlfriend and I separated 7 years ago, we have a daughter together while I have 2 daughters from a previous relationship. We have
    via No-Stay8551
  • both moved on with our lives (I'm due to marry in 18 months. and she got engaged last Christmas) and we have shared custody of our daughter 50:50.
    via No-Stay8551
  • On the days I have my daughter, I have to collect and leave her to school and she would organise the other days, which means I have to leave work early on days and arrive late on days.
    via No-Stay8551
  • Thankfully my employer has been very understanding and has accomodated my situation. as long as hours are made up, which would involve me being
    via No-Stay8551
  • available on weekends for emergencies. Not an ideal situation, but it works.
    via No-Stay8551
  • Anyways, the ex has taken up a job 100 miles away and her plan is to commute daily. I have my opinions on that, but not my monkey, not my circus. She had
    via No-Stay8551
  • Black-and-white side-profile portrait of a bearded man sitting outdoors beside a wooden fence and leafy plants.
    via Felicia Montenegro

    Man sitting outside looking firm and detached like he's made up his mind, as shown by a model.

  • arranged for her dad to collect daughter on her days and what seems like a noble idea and a great solution, reality has set in and he finds his days are
    via No-Stay8551
  • restricted either collecting daughter or leaving to school, and the novelty has passed and has pretty much told her that he won't be as available as he
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  • promised. Now this leaves her pretty much up sh creek as she has noone else to call upon to collect and leave to school.
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  • She has asked me to work from home 3-4 days per week which would allow her to continue her role 100 miles away and ensure
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  • daughter is collected on time each day. This isn't an option for me, and in telling her that I can't accept these changes, she's accusing me of clinging to the
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  • past, being bitter about the break up and doing my best to sabotage and stifle her career. AITAH??
    via No-Stay8551

  • Accusing him of bitterness is such a reliable tool in these situations. It reframes a logistical disagreement as a therapy issue. Suddenly you are not saying no to an unreasonable request, you are saying no because you secretly still have feelings, which means the conversation is now about your emotional state rather than whether the ask was fair. It is an elegant trap if you are willing to deploy it with a straight face.


    The part that never gets talked about enough in these situations is how much goodwill with an employer is worth. Flexible arrangements for school pickups and drop offs do not just happen. They get negotiated, they get maintained, they depend on a track record of reliability. Blowing that up to cover for someone else's commute decision is not a small thing, and the person asking does not have to live with the consequences if it goes wrong.

    Co-parenting requires cooperation, not unlimited availability. Those are two completely different things and people who want the second one tend to describe it as the first one when they are making the ask.

    Saying no to covering for a decision you had no part in making is not bitterness. It is just a sentence.


     

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