A couple gets secretly engaged, then secretly married, and ends up disappointing their loved ones when they eventually find out: ‘From our perspective, we didn't do it to exclude anyone or because we don't love our families and friends’

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Olivia Arocena • Writer and Editor
Jul 18, 2026 4:00 PM EDT

Do we get married to please family and friends?

I don't think the concept of marriage is independent of gatherings and celebrations; the origins of marriage as a ceremony are directly linked to community, family, and groups. It was originally a celebration precisely orchestrated within society and a ritual that symbolized a passage from one role in it to another; the passage from a young man to an adult, from a single person to a family, from a child to a parent. Of course, nowadays things are different, and many people have found ways to redefine old traditions and give them their own meaning, and that's what I think happened to this couple. When a couple dares to do something like that, their relatives and friends might not understand it, because, probably to them, the ritual of marriage wasn't something that could be changed. Either way, I think something like this can spark up some interesting debates within a small community.

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  • married couple
    via Icons8 Team

    The secretly engaged couple

    Subjects are models

  • AITA for secretly getting engaged, secretly getting married two months later, and then telling everyone afterward?

    My husband (29M) and I (27F) have apparently caused a lot more drama than we expected, and now I'm wondering if we were the a hles.
    via ellielliz
  • A little backstory: when we first started talking about getting married, we considered doing a small destination wedding where anyone who wanted to come could. But the more we looked into it, the more overwhelmed I
    via ellielliz
  • became. Planning a wedding felt incredibly stressful, expensive, and honestly... it started to feel like the day was becoming more about everyone else than about us. My husband truly didn't
    via ellielliz
  • care what we did as long as we got married. I, on the other hand, realized I didn't want to spend months stressing over guest lists, seating charts, family expectations, budgets, hurt feelings, and all the other things that seem to
    via ellielliz
  • come with weddings. Finances also played a role in our decision. My husband has a significant amount of student loan debt from medical school, and I also have student loan debt from my doctoral
    via ellielliz
  • program. While we *could* have made a wedding happen, we both felt that putting tens of thousands of dollars toward one day didn't make sense for where we are financially. We'd rather put that money toward our future
    via ellielliz
  • and paying down debt. So we made a decision. We got engaged and didn't tell anyone. About two months later, we went on an Alaskan cruise, found a pastor through my husband's
    via ellielliz
  • church, and got married in Alaska surrounded by the most incredible scenery. It was literally just the two of us, the pastor, the captain of the boat who dropped us off (he and another person served as our witnesses), plus a
    via ellielliz
  • photographer and videographer. Our vows were completely private and directed only at each. other, which ended up being one of my favorite parts of the entire experience. It was peaceful, intimate, and
    via ellielliz
  • boat on calm water
    via Dibakar Roy

    The marriage boat

    Representative image

  • exactly what we both wanted. When we got back, we basically surprised everyone with, "We're engaged!...and actually...we already got married."
    via ellielliz
  • The reactions were... mixed. My mom was heartbroken that she didn't get to see me get married. My husband's very Catholic parents were disappointed not only that they weren't there, but that we also
    via ellielliz
  • didn't get married in a Catholic church. Our friends all seemed excited at first, but after the initial shock wore off, we definitely got the feeling that many of them were hurt they weren't included. Nobody really lashed out,
    via ellielliz
  • but the vibe was very much, "We're happy for you...but we wish we could've been there." From our perspective, we didn't do it to exclude anyone or because we don't love our families and
    via ellielliz
  • friends. We genuinely wanted a day that was just ours without the stress, expectations, or financial burden of planning a wedding. We also knew that once people knew we were engaged, everyone would naturally have
    via ellielliz
  • opinions and expectations, and we wanted to avoid all of that. That said, I completely understand why people feel hurt. Weddings are important to families too, and I know parents often dream about seeing their
    via ellielliz
  • children get married. Looking back, I can see how announcing it after the fact may have felt like we robbed everyone of the chance to celebrate with us. It has always been our
    via ellielliz
  • intention to have a vow renewal after 10-15 years of marriage, when we're more financially secure and have paid off a significant portion of my husband's medical school loans. We would love to celebrate with all of our
    via ellielliz
  • family and friends then, without feeling like we're sacrificing our financial goals early in our marriage.
    via ellielliz
  • So... AITA for secretly getting engaged, secretly getting married, and only telling everyone afterward?
    via ellielliz
  • Jennilind19 As a parent, I completely understand your parents disappointment. Ultimately, you're an adult and can do what you want. But yeah, kinda TAH
    via ellielliz
  • maybemaybenot2023 NTA- but it would have kinder to tell at least your parents beforehand.
    via ellielliz
  • Impossible-Use4950 You literally did it to exclude everyone.
    via ellielliz
  • group of people holding hands
    via Thay Jesus

    Them telling everyone they got engaged

    Not actual subjects

  • I think they did this specifically to exclude everybody, and also, I think there is no shame in that. Where I think they could’ve acted better is by letting at least a couple of people know, especially the family members they knew would be affected, the one who wanted to attend their marriage and considered it very important. Not because having a private ceremony is wrong, but for them, for them to feel less excluded. In the end, their marriage is theirs, and they really enjoyed it; that’s the best way to live it. Everyone else’s offense can be soothed, and they can sit and explain it to each and every one. Plus there will be a real party in ten years! lol.

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relationship advice family drama marriage marriage drama family feud relationships family toxic relationship
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