30-year-old woman expects her 30-year-old male best friend to do every romantic relationship activity with her without actually being in a relationship, so he refuses: 'Well she is now inconsolable, saying I am punishing her for not loving me'

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Olivia Arocena • Writer and Editor
Aug 7, 2026 1:45 PM EDT

Entitlement's new frontiers

Let's face it, some people are looking to take advantage of others to get their needs met without reciprocating.

The dynamic appears perfect to them as long as nobody dares to point it out or ask for something in return. If that happens, they'll use any strategy to return to the statu quo.

This friend's strategy was playing the victim; she's trying to make it seem like he is the ungrateful one. To me, he's just asking for reciprocity. Most of their relationship's story is about him accommodating her wants and needs; this dynamic would be toxic even if theirs was a romantic relationship.

He is allowed to want his needs met as well. The thing is, he is not even asking for that; he knows she doesn't want to do that for him, so he is politely stating he no longer wants to be her emotional-support teddy bear. Everything that happened after he said that is nonsensical to me. But I guess hearing that she'll not get unconditional love and care from her male best friend without giving anything in return is a tough blow for her; it'll probably take her some time to process it.

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  • man holding woman's hand
    via Ben White

    The platonic friends doing every couple activity to ever exist

    Subjects are models

  • I've known my roommate for a few years. We were purely school friends studying together grabbing the occasional celebratory lunch, otherwise we did not hang out outside of that.
    via Edenwood
  • Eventually I got a FT employment offer, she unfortunately did not, so decided to go back to school. We kept in touch, so when she heard I was getting a 2 bedroom apt nearby her college, she begged me to move in
    via Edenwood
  • (wanted out of her parent's house). I was hesitant as she'd never lived on her own outside a dorm, but eventually agreed, since i could save on rent. Soon after she moved in a
    via Edenwood
  • realized she has pretty severe anxiety, about school, self actualization, work, how attractive she is, everything really. I realized she struggled to clean up after her self, to keep herself fed (during
    via Edenwood
  • her summer internship she would buy frozen dinners or beg me to cook), not to spiral mentally etc. I really hated seeing her struggle, so a little at a time I started doing more around the house,
    via Edenwood
  • eventually I ended up doing 90% of the cleaning, cooking us dinner and cleaning up after, let her come with me to work for free (she worked in a nearby building for her internship, I would uber to my workplace.
    via Edenwood
  • man cooking
    via LeCreuset

    The 'best friend' cooking her dinner

    Representation

  • And I constantly had to validate her self esteem, she would often ask to hold hands or to be hugged or cry on my shoulder etc. Basically I'd become her parent and therapist, in a
    via Edenwood
  • way. It has become somewhat draining having to keep her in mind so often. She had also become more "cuddly" while watching shows etc. Leaning on my shoulder,
    via Edenwood
  • holding my arm etc. I guess I misinterpreted this as potential interest, because one night I put my arm around her shoulder (which I had done before) and she said "I like being close to you
    via Edenwood
  • but just so you know we are just platonic." I guess part of me was a little hurt by this, but largely I was fine with it. However it got me thinking about what our relationship had crept into
    via Edenwood
  • over time, and I realized I should not be holding her afloat so such a degree at my own detriment if we were just roommates. Having thought on it, I couldn't imagine my doing all this for any of my platonic male past
    via Edenwood
  • roommates. So the next day I sat her down and said she was right. We are just platonic, but that said that we should reestablish those boundaries.
    via Edenwood
  • So I mentioned things like, we shouldn't hold hands, and hug all the time, she should contribute some amount to our rides to work, that I would cook for her once a week rather than everyday, that if we went out to eat, other than
    via Edenwood
  • special occasions she should pay for her half, etc. Well she is now inconsolable, saying I am punishing her for not loving me, that she thought I did those things because I was her friend,
    via Edenwood
  • etc. I really do see where she's coming from, but I guess from my perspective, I felt I had let our behaviour slip too much into a relationship rather than friendship, and I realized.
    via Edenwood
  • that I wanted to be sure she could reciprocate, as I've felt there is a general lack of reciprocity on her part.
    via Edenwood
  • person holding white paper
    via Tetiana Shyshkina

    The man holding the new friendship rules

    Illustration

  • exOII unironically the bad part is that even if you were not platonic and this was a relationship, the whole thing would still be toxic regardless.
    via ex0ll
  • Past Selection_8063 I have been with my partner for 13+ years and he doesn't do all these things. for me. We are equals and contribute as such. What you wrote sounds like you are taking care of your daughter who is still a child and responsibility.
    via Past_Selection_8063
  • grimmwerks What happens if you meet someone and you enter into a real relationship with them; would she expect you to keep up the same behaviors?
    via grimmwerks

  • He has to be very careful not to blur his own boundaries, or the dynamic will perpetuate itself. I’m guessing this will lead to a friendship breakup, but it can also lead to some learning on her side. Who knows? Either way, it’s positive for him; he gets to root out this unrequited relationship from his life. Beautiful!

    In my opinion, some things are better left unexplained. I don’t think it’s possible to reason with her any longer. I know it’s tough to lose a friend, but this relationship is no longer a friendship; it’s more like a parent-child relationship. It’s so much better to relate as equals. Also, he should run for the hills.

     

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friendship relationship advice friends relationships toxic relationship relationship drama
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