Aunt allows niece to live at her house only on the condition that she eventually learns how to drive, she will even get her a car, but the niece is terrified of driving: 'I’m not trying to punish her or force her to drive because I think she should'

Author image for María Cetra
María Cetra • Writer
Sep 5, 2026 12:00 PM EDT

Sometimes you have to make a big effort for something that you want.


There is this new trend of not forcing people to do things that they don't want to, which is excellent, but also if it's something that they NEED to do. We, humans, have obligations, things that we don't want to do at all, but we have to. Life is like that. You have to do things you don't want to, and you have to deal with it. You can't cry your way out of it or say no. That isn't an option. So you just do it and deal with it internally, as nobody cares if you want to do the thing or not. They just care that you do it. That is what it is like being an adult.

In the story below, we encounter a girl who I actually feel sorry for. She doesn't want to learn how to drive a car. She's afraid of it. Unfortunately, she has no way out of learning, as she needs to if she's going to move to her aunt's house. She HAS to learn. Even if she's afraid, even if she doesn't want to. She has time and resources to do so, but she can't wrap her head around it. And I get it. It's hard. But the only way that she gets to live with her aunt is by learning to drive. So she needs to weigh the choices and see if this fear is going to dictate her life or if she will.

She has another option, one she doesn't like. She can move to another family member's house. It's not ideal, and it would be better for her to live with her aunt. But that decision is completely up to her. Either she learns and gets what she wants, or she doesn't and deals with the consequences of it. She has to make that choice, not her fear, not her family. She has. And I'm sure that if she tries, she's going to succeed. So let's hope she ends up learning and living where she wants. 

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  • 01

    Am I wrong for telling my niece that if she wants to come and live with me, she needs to learn how to drive?

    Basically what the title says. I told my 16-year-old niece that if she wants to come live with me, she needs to learn how to drive. For some context, my sister is going through a rough situation right now and is being evicted from her apartment. I won't get too deeply into her personal circumstances, but financial stability has always been a struggle for her. She also has a tendency to job hop frequently, which has made it difficult for her to maintain a steady income and consistently keep up wi
    via Disastrous-Log6673
  • 02
    A person learning how to drive a car with someone else's assistance. Image shown for illustrative purposes; person depicted is a model.
    via Orkun Azap

    A person learning how to drive a car with someone else's assistance. 

    Image shown for illustrative purposes; person depicted is a model. 

  • 03
    Because of this, she needs to find somewhere for my niece to stay temporarily while she works on getting back on her feet. My niece has two options: she can either stay with my parents or she can stay with me. She really wants to live with me because I live in a nicer neighborhood, she would have her own bedroom, and she'd have considerably more privacy and space. If she stays with my parents, she would have to share a room with her cousins and live in a house with five other people: my parents,
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  • 04
    her two little cousins. Her mom may also end up staying there temporarily while she gets back on her feet. I told my niece that if she chooses to live with me, I will pay for her to go to driving school and buy her a car. I've actually been looking at a 2021 Toyota Corolla for her because I want to get her something reliable that she can hopefully keep for many years. The reason driving is so important to me is because of where I live. There isn't much public transportation, so having a driver's
    via Disastrous-Log6673
  • 05
    independently. There's also a practical reason I can't simply commit to driving her everywhere. I'm a night nurse, and there are times when I can work up to 16-hour shifts. Her school is about 30 minutes from my house, so I would be worried about not being able to get her to school on time if I'm working a long shift. More importantly, after working a 12- or 16- hour night shift, I'm going to be exhausted. I don't feel comfortable getting behind the wheel to drive her 30 minutes to school after
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  • 06
    worked all night, and I don't think it would be reasonable to expect me to do that every day. If she could drive herself to and from school, this wouldn't be an issue. She already has her learner's permit, so she isn't starting completely from scratch. Realistically, she needs to get comfortable behind the wheel, practice, and eventually take and pass her driving test. The problem is that she is genuinely afraid of driving and is refusing to drive. I understand that fear, and I'm
    via Disastrous-Log6673
  • 07
    not going to force her to get behind the wheel (I put this in bold for a reason) if she is genuinely terrified. I also don't expect her to immediately become an expert driver. That's why I'm willing to pay for professional driving lessons so she can learn in a safe environment with an instructor. I've also tried giving her other options. I offered to let her transfer to a school closer to my house or consider online schooling, but she doesn't want to do either, and her mom doesn't really want to
    via Disastrous-Log6673
  • 08
    So essentially, I'm telling her: I'm willing to give you a place to live, your own room, pay for driving school, and buy you a reliable car, but you need to eventually learn how to drive if you want to stay with me while continuing to attend your current school. I'm not trying to punish her or force her to drive because I think she should. I'm trying to figure out a realistic way to make the living arrangement work. If she doesn't want to learn how to drive, that's her choice, but then I don't r
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  • 09
    A woman driving a car. Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.
    via Andraz Lazic

    A woman driving a car.

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story. 

  • 10
    duckieglow NTA. You simply can't be her chauffeur, you have a job and other responsibilities. You're even offering to pay for it.
    via duckieglow
  • 11
    internet_drama NTA. She's lucky to have you in her life and what you are offering is vet generous. Her driving is needed due to logistics. You can't be her chauffeur. But if driving is too much for her then it just won't work out. You are NTA for that.
    via internet_drama
  • 12
    LetMeBeAngry NTA this is an issue of logistics and being realistic Edit to add: you're also being super generous. NTA at all
    via LetMeBeAngry
  • 13
    PotatoMonster20 NTA But I would change how you're approaching this. Your niece isn't a bold go-getter. She's fearful and stubborn. If you let her move in before she gets her license, I think her hesitation and slowness to act will lead to a lot of frustration for the both of you. You'll expect her to stick to her word and do what she said she would, and then she won't end up doing that. She'll just expect you to drive her, or pay for
    via PotatoMonster20
  • 14
    her to get around - regardless of everything you've already told her. She's still a kid. She has a shaky grasp on the concept of consequences as they apply to her own life. So don't let her move in with you until AFTER she has her license. Make the initial plan "move in with the grandparents" - have her go there first. I think it would take a lot of the stress out of things. She'll have a solid base, but also will want to get out of there as soon as possible. It'll be up to her to make it happen
    via PotatoMonster20
  • 15
    be able to do it on her own timeline. Pay for her to get driving lessons from there. Once she passes the test and is ready to drive herself around? You'll be ready and waiting for her.
    via PotatoMonster20
  • 16
    FeedingCoxeysArmy First of all, you are NTAH. I totally understand the transportation problem. Have you asked her what her solution is for the getting herself back and forth to school? Since your solution isn't what she wants, she needs to come up with her own if she plans to live with you. At 16, she is old enough to start being responsible for herself, and that includes getting around for school and a part time job. This is what other 16yo kids do, unfortunately life with her mom hasn't given
    via FeedingCoxeysArmy
  • 17
    I also would still encourage her to take the driving course. Even if she doesn't want to drive and comes up with a plan to get back and forth to school. It's a skill she should have in case of an emergency.
    via FeedingCoxeysArmy
  • 18
    Neither_Teaching_438 NTA, your offer is not only realistic, but also very generous. I feel sorry for the girl. But she has to get serious and learn that unfortunately life is what it is: we can't always have everything they way we want them.
    via Neither_Teaching_438

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