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Guy's Epic 4-Year Arms Race With Nesting Bird Comes To A Head

He just keeps trying harder and harder, and it just gets better and better.

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  • 1
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    So we bought a new house. This house has a nice gas fireplace and the exhaust was tucked neatly away near the back door. The problem was, the little nook appeared to be a perfect place for birds to nest because of the protection of the roof and heat from the fireplace.


  • 2
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    August 2014: The first time I noticed the little guys, they caught me off guard, but thought nothing of it. They were just trying to keep warm, I figured. They startled easily and flew away whenever I would walk in/out of my back door, which scared the shit outta me. At first I ignored it, but they started shitting and building a nest INSIDE the exhaust.


  • 3
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    March 2015: Next spring, I decided to wrap the exhaust in chicken wire (Iteration 1). I was proud of the tidy, little wrap I did, patted myself on the back and figured that was it...


  • 4
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    May 2015: Apparently it wasn't. They found a nice little crevice on top of the exhaust to build a neat, little nest. Ok fine. No babies, so nest is gone. Easy enough.


  • 5
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    The bird came back the very next day. Cleared it out and they didn't seem to come back for the rest of the season. Awesome!


  • 6
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    May 2016: ???


  • 7
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    Ok this is getting fucking annoying. So I added bird spikes on top (Iteration 2) which I figured would keep them out for good. NOPE. Those little fucks came back with a vengeance. It not only didn't keep them away, but the spikes seemed to stabilize their nest. This time they brought coloured twine! I cleaned out the nest, next day they came back with more blue twine. Cleaned it out, and THEY CAME BACK AGAIN WITH MORE GODDAMNED TWINE.. They must have had a fuckin' stock pile somewhere.


  • 8
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    June 2016: HA! You want to f*ck with me? Fine... MORE BIRD SPIKES, BITCHES! (Iteration 3) No way they'll build anything no---


  • 9
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    May 2017: f*ck.


  • 10
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    July 2017: f*ck f*ck f*ck


  • 11
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    No more fucking around... Wrapped the entire opening at the top. (iteration 4)


  • 12
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    I'm smarter than you, bitc---


  • 13
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    May 2018: what the absolute f*ck??! HOWWWW???!! So apparently, I left a small opening on the right side. Those birds were flying up into their now high-end GATED FUCKING COMMUNITY!


  • 14
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    May 2018: (iteration 5) Meet Dr. Who. He scared the hell out of those birds and they haven't been back since.


  • 15
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    July 2018: (Iteration 6) annndd closing the gap on the right side just for good measure. They gave me a run for my money and it's not pretty, but after 4 years, lots of bird shit and 6 iterations, I think this will be the final one. If I see them back next year, I may just give in and try to charge them rent.

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