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27 Clever Tweets You'll Wish You Twote

Yes, we wrote "twote." No, we won't stop trying to make "twote" happen. 

And so, here are some of the funniest twotes ever. It will happen. "Twote" will happen.

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  • 1
    Text - Jeff Wysaski @pleatedjeans Me: uh oh someone's under the mistletoe! Raccoon l've cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily] 12/15/17, 3:19 PM 15.2K Retweets 50.7K Likes
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  • 2
    Text - Shakespeare Lyrics @ShakespeareSong His palms doth perspire, his knees feeble, arms doth weigh in excess, vomit hath appeared on his garments already, mother's Italian cuisine.
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  • 3
    Text - Perry Sloan @SloanPerry when you push a pull door and the person behind says "you need to pull" aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom
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  • 4
    Text - Emma Oh @Emma_Oh_ Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone "I married a stale ham sandwich of a human" and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
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  • 5
    Text - riley @lgbtop burglar: if you wanna live give me all your money me: bold of you to assume i want to live and that i have money
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  • 6
    Text - Ygrene @Ygrene Me: can I get a Coke please Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here Me: how about a lemonade then Waiter: sir... we only serve Pepsi here [cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi] 8:15 AM Aug 9, 2018 3.3K Likes 774 Retweets
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  • 7
    Text - Pasta Fazool @chrisdowning I have to physically go to the bank this morning like it's 1950 9:03 PM Aug 20, 2018 780 Likes 193 Retweets I'm ok. I'm ok. @dsheehy100 7h Replying to @chrisdowning Hey, get me some stamps at the post office while you're out there. ti 1 Brooke @BrookeVerga 11h Replying to @chrisdowning and @YourMomsucksTho Will you be taking the horse and buggy as well? 4
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  • 8
    Text - Josh Marshall @joshtpm This photograph of lvanka hurling a refugee child over the border wall is chilling. But it shows how far we've fallen. gettyimages Alex Wong 699966412 2:51 AM Aug 9, 2018
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  • 9
    Text - MehGyver @AndrewNadeauO Please stop telling my dog they all go to Heaven. Fear of hell is the only thing keeping him from burning us all to the ground 8:05 AM Aug 21, 2018 5 Retweets 59 Likes
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  • 10
    Text - Kal @captainkalvis 2h customer: can i get a microwave *wiggling my pinky* hello me: sure 232 11 1.2K
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  • 11
    Text - Jon @ArfMeasures Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don't have to put Mc in front of words Me: Oh ok *turns to customer* welcome to Donalds 12:07 AM May 17, 2018
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  • 12
    Text - Michael @Home_Halfway Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you're fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn't originally realize 12:08 AM Dec 10, 2015 3.6K Retweets 8.2K Likes
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  • 13
    Text - MehGyver @AndrewNadeau0 10h Pens; ME: Ugh, my core muscles are so sore. HER: From what? ME: Eating cake HER: That's you're stomach, you're talking about your stomach. ME: No the trainer called it "core." HER: *Sigh* At least you're seeing a trainer. ME: Sort of. That's whose cake I stole. 115
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  • 14
    Text - Tom Pike @StoryTom every British TV show is named Chumbley Place, is about a little old lady who solves murders, has a budget of $72, has aired nine episodes, and has been on the air since world war ii 10:58 AM Aug 9, 2018 5.4K Likes 849 Retweets @StoryTom 9h Tom Pike Replying to @StoryTom and has a Metacritic of 87, "Universal Acclaim", plus a biannual convention at the real-life location of the fictional Chumbley Place, which is a bed and breakfast in Quedgeley t24 4 267
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  • 15
    Text - @Home_Halfway Mar 15, 2016 Michael dog Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a would think of to get into a fancy country club. t5.3K 94 11.3K Show this thread
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  • 16
    Text - nina @ninatreemonkey Commercial for Floors) s this you? (footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion) 7/29/15, 7:11 PM 2,721 RETWEETS 5,077 LIKES
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  • 17
    Text - M@thew @TweetPotato 314 [Argument at family dinner] Wife: *Whispers to me* Don't start taking sides this time. Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They're too busy yelling to notice. 8:15 PM Mar 7, 2018 1.3K Retweets 4.8K Likes
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  • 18
    Text - Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin spelling bee judge: your word is respect me: can you use it in...a song spelling bee judge: nice try 2:55 AM Sep 16, 2017 8.8K Likes 2.9K Retweets
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  • 19
    Text - Jon @ArfMeasures Me: *smashes bottle into a ship* Her: oh cool, what are you naming it? Me: *just hates ships* what 9:21 PM Jul 31, 2018 158 Retweets 897 Likes A Man in Grey @amaningrey Aug 1 Replying to @ArfMeasures *stabbing ship with broken bottle*
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  • 20
    Text - MehGyver @AndrewNadeau 0 gens, On a crashing plane) ME: *Slapping oxygen mask out of kid's hand* They said I have to go first. 9:17 AM Aug 22, 2018 30 Retweets 163 Likes >
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  • 21
    Text - Hans Grubertron @HansGrubertron PERSON WHO THOUGHT 'ORAL SEX' WAS A FANCY TERM FOR TALKING DIRTY: wow what the hell was that
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  • 22
    Text - angy mobley @andymoney69 nyc subway about to risk it all 11:30 l LTE Tweet Space Force Cadet Lo reporti... 3m Whose dick do I have to suck to get a 59 Str train @MTA? MTA aw York City@NYCTSubway NYCT Subway Subway Replying to @lo_down_woman Good morning. Where are you waiting? Which train are you waiting for and what is your direction of travel? JP 8/13/18, 11:29 AM
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  • 23
    Text - Online Participant @SortaBad ME: it's kinda weird that your a- hole and your b-hole are the same hole BOSS: I meant do you have any thoughts about the client proposal, but my god you're right 5:14 PM Aug 16, 2018
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  • 24
    Text - viking @NOTVIKING if she's your girl why did she just just tell me to have a good day after ringing me up at old navy
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  • 25
    Text - Jordan_Morris @Jordan_Morris People say we're in a "golden age of television" but I disagree. We're in a golden age of photoshopping Waluigi into places Waluigi wouldn't normally be. It can't be the golden age of two things
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  • 26
    Text - Das Skoogeth @Skoog... Aug 6 Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing? Raphael: what? no we're brothers. Cop: oh. It's just with the matching outfits I thought- Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls Cop: is that... is that less weird?
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  • 27
    Text - Dorky Romano @SuperApple80 If you use the word "keester" enough, they'll eventually stop trying to sext. That little gem of wisdom is on the house.
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