FAIL Blog

Guy's Spicy Tumblr Rant About His Failed Burrito Is Absolutely Ruthless

The angry burrito enthusiast pulled ZERO punches in the crafting of this post. 

  • 1
    Text - BEANS ALAOLEAEAT RKE CHE SE SOUR CPEAM ETTOCE CAUTIO SALSA Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito: LUCky StComedy Cone
    Via _
  • Advertisement
  • 2
    Text - Intruding Have you ever been to earth? On earth, we use the word "burrito" to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I'm surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you
    Via _
  • 3
    Text - Let me further explain: Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito's end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredi- ents in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned
    Via _
  • 4
    Text - Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY. When you eat a burrito, you don't stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can't usually dislocate their jaws, and I'm not a fucking pelican. But you must think that's how it's done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your
    Via _
  • Advertisement
  • 5
    Text - And guess what else, player? You probably can't guess anything, because I'm pretty sure you're just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here's what: Humans also don't eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEAN
    Via _
  • 6
    Text - Nope. My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT'S JUST GOING TO BE YOU ANDI FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I'M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT IHOPE IT'S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET. You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
    Via _
  • 7
    Cheezburger Image 9233967872
    Via _
  • Advertisement
  • 8
    Cheezburger Image 9233968128
    Via _
  • 9
    Text - If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER. That's like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They're called fucking HANDS. A fork. My god.
    Via _

Tags

tumblr burrito rant ridiculous food funny

About the Author

Posted by mattstaff

Next on FAIL Blog

13 Shallow Confessions From People Who Have NO Shame

13 Shallow Confessions From People Who Have NO Shame

Comments

About the Author

Posted by mattstaff

Hot Today

Childcare Worker Gives Her Parents A Much-Needed Reality Check After They Criticize Her Line of Work, Prompts Ire From Siblings 1
The Angry Antagonized Masses Share the Douchiest Things They’ve Ever Witnessed 2
Manager Demands All Personal Phone Calls Go Through Her, Backfires Immediately 3
Malicious Middle-Manager Tries to “Lean Up” Team and Push Higher Workload, Team Leader Won’t Let That Fly 4
Entitled Folks and Their Absurd Boldness 5
Unfair Teacher Fails Half Of Class, Student Settles The Score 6
Humorously Absurd Times People and Things Got Singled Out 1
Entitled Folks and Their Absurd Boldness 2
Guy "Builds Computers" For A Living, Completely Destroys Cheap Computer 3
Misguided Safety Failures That OSHA Would Disapprove Of 4
The Wholesome Prank Played on Mr. Rogers 5
Wholesome Grandpa Starts Fixing Cars For Free, Beats Greedy Mechanic In Court 6

Follow The Laughs

Terms | Privacy | Security | DMCA Policy