A**hole Genie Grants You One Wish, What Do You Wish For? (25 Uproarious Answers)

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AmyBrown
Jun 2, 2019 1:00 PM EDT

The user who started this genius AskReddit thread has since deleted their account but the thread lives on, and we are so ever grateful for that! This may be a bit of an older threader but it's definitely one of the best ones! So we ask you if you had one wish...what would you wish for? Enjoy the hysterical responses from the a**hole genie below! 

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  • 01
    Text - ? Visit Community r/AskReddit /[deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 4:50 AM You've been granted one wish by the Douchebag Genie. He takes advantage of people's poor wording when making wishes to screw them over. What do you wish for? 17.0k Comments t 62.0k
    via AskReddit
  • 02
    Text - Jakiboy1234 Oct 1, 2018, 8:30 AM I want to be a main character in the office, for all 9 seasons.. 1.3k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 9:35 AM You're Toby. Everyone hates you 2.9k
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  • 03
    Text - BlueWhaleKing Oct 1, 2018, 7:48 AM I wish that the entire world would explode into a 10,000 degree C fireball that tears it into a billion trillion pieces right now! 2.8k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 7:56 AM You're transported 100 billion years into the future. Humanity has moved on safely from Earth. You're standing in Kansas when the sun detonates. 6.1k
    via AskReddit
  • 04
    Text - OmegaGamerOW Oct 1, 2018, 8:03 AM I wish i never have an asthma attack or any lung illness ever again 11.9k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 8:08 AM You immediately die 22.3k Jumbobie Oct 1, 2018, 9:53 AM Of oxygen poisoning. Lungs work too well 4.3k
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  • 05
    Text - LadyEmry Oct 1, 2018, 7:26 AM The ability to get my life together. That'd be nice. 11.2k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 7:30 AM You're given a roll of duct tape to put back your copy of the board game "Life" back together after your boyfriend crushed it while leaving you for a much prettier and younger woman. 24.0k
    via AskReddit
  • 06
    Text - Oct 1, 2018, 8:18 AM redlonk1 To own a time traveling space ship 569 utakirorikatu Oct 1, 2018, 9:05 AM you now own the very first time traveling spaceship. you haven't the faintest how it works, however. 957 [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 9:19 AM Genie approves 961
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  • 07
    Text - Nai75 Oct 1, 2018, 7:33 AM I wish douchebag genie at his douche ness together. was my best friend, so we can laugh 13.0k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 7:42 AM You are now Douchebag genies dog. 25.9k
    via AskReddit
  • 08
    Text - theonlydidymus . Oct 1, 2018, 6:09 AM "I wish for you to no longer be such a douche." Maybe I can make life better for the next guy that meets him. 15.3k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 6:16 AM Genie is now 0000000001% less of a douche. 25.2k ijustmadethis1111 Oct 1, 2018, 6:56 AM hmm let's test out the new and improved genie. I wish for $1 billion dollars 9.5k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 7:01 AM You are instantly crushed to death by 20,000 pounds of $100 bills. Previously Douchebag Genie would have ac
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  • 09
    Text - SUCKLE_LORD Oct 1, 2018, 7:16 AM I wish to shit my pants 10.6k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 7:20 AM You shit your pants moments after your death 18.0k cosmic_serendipity Oct 1, 2018, 9:49 AM What if instead he literally shit out his pants? Feel like that's more literal 2.9k
    via AskReddit
  • 10
    Text - Ptee92 Oct 1, 2018, 4:56 AM World peace 11.0k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 4:58 AM Everyone in the world is now dead. 26.0k Ptee92 Oct 1, 2018, 5:00 AM Perfect, thanks! 11.9k
    via AskReddit
  • 11
    Text - theforlornknight Oct 1, 2018, 7:29 AM I wish The Douchebag Genie, as set forth by u/weaksquare, to be subject to third party arbitration for any and all wishes granted previous to, concurrent to, in conjunction with, and after this wish, triggered by an official complaint filed by the Wish Maker of said individual wish by using the phrase "I demand arbitration for my wish from The Douchebag Genie" in the Wish Maker's preferred language and method of communication; with a third party group
    via AskReddit
  • 12
    Text - Washuchan Oct 1, 2018, 6:39 AM I wish that my purse would always have at least 1 dollar in it, and every time I removed the last dollar from my purse a perfectly safe new one dollar coin from the country I am located in would appear in the coin compartment of my purse at a speed that is zero relative to the purse (to prevent the coin from appearing at a also be at the same temperature as the interior of my purse (to prevent appearing) , and that removing the last dollar would require cons
    via AskReddit
  • 13
    Text - [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 7:12 AM I wish that at my own will, I can cause others to be unable to see me, at no damage to myself, or cause them to be able to see me again, again at no damage to myself. 5.4k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 7:17 AM You're now capable of texting anyone in the world pictures of you... and the ability to remove said pictures from their phones. 7.7k
    via AskReddit
  • 14
    Text - Zach2459 Oct 1, 2018, 6:52 AM I wish I was omnipotent 5.4k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 6:59 AM Running into numerous omnipotence paradoxes, you instantly cannot exist. 9.3k
    via AskReddit
  • 15
    Text - raj-Mocha Oct 1, 2018, 7:41 AM perfect memory recall 3.8k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 7:49 AM You're given shitty one with Colin Farrell. a new copy of the DVD "Total Recall" but the 7.2k raj-Mocha . Oct 1, 2018, 7:59 AM Eh, could be worse. Thanks genie <3 420
    via AskReddit
  • 16
    Text - emuatemydingo Oct 1, 2018, 6:27 AM A regular and seemingly empty backpack, that whenever I reach into it, I can pull out an unlimited supply of wads of U.S $100 bills that are legal tender. The money also weighs nothing when in the backpack. 3.2k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 6:34 AM Granted. The bills are superglued together however and are destroyed when you try to separate them. On the upside you do get lots of compliments on your David Hasselhoff bag wherever you go. 5.2k
    via AskReddit
  • 17
    Text - rocknin Oct 1, 2018, 7:58 AM the working lamp of a genie who isn't a douchebag and will grant me 3 wishes. 6.5k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 8:03 AM Granted. Unfortunately that lamp is buried a mile deep in a lost treasure trove. It will take at least 10,000 years before its discovered. But you do have a nice certificate of ownership 11.2k
    via AskReddit
  • 18
    Text - PM_ME_UR_STONED_FACE Oct 1, 2018, 6:07 AM I wish for a turkey sandwich ... on rye bread ... with lettuce and mustard. And . and! I don't want any zombie turkey, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it? 11.3k Antique Yak Oct 1, 2018, 7:36 AM Turkey's a little dry...THE TURKEY'S A LITTLE DRY! 3.6k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 6:11 AM You've been given a turkey sandwich. With rye bread. You're probably going to want to slaughter, clean and
    via AskReddit
  • 19
    Text - Kaelis64 Oct 1, 2018, 7:51 AM The ability and understanding to use and create magic like him with nothing I would consider a drawback. 7.6k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 7:57 AM You're offered a job writing magic item descriptions for Dungeons and Dragons. Not the worst fate, honestly. 12.6k
    via AskReddit
  • 20
    Text - OmegaGamerOW Oct 1, 2018, 7:54 AM Genie I wish I can think of a wish 8.1k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 8:00 AM You think of the perfect wish to fool the genie in every way. But you're out of wishes. 16.7k
    via AskReddit
  • 21
    Text - brownbagginit13 Oct 1, 2018, 8:17 AM 1$ 1.4k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 9:17 AM $1 in Monopoly money. 2.7k brownbagginit13 Oct 1, 2018, 10:06 AM Well its more than I had before I guess 663
    via AskReddit
  • 22
    Text - Painting_Agency Oct 1, 2018, 7:59 AM "I wish the Douchebag Genie had two assholes on his face" Best case, the genie now defecates from his face. Worst case, two enormously unpleasant people are now sitting on his face. At least momentarily amusing, and nobody dies, especially me. 9.2k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 8:06 AM You and your mom are now permanently attached to my face
    via AskReddit
  • 23
    Text - Johnnydayy Oct 1, 2018, 8:03 AM I want to have a lot of money 4.2k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 8:09 AM You are crushed to death by 100 billion pennies. 7.1k
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  • 24
    Text - SoLongGayBowser Oct 1, 2018, 4:52 AM To have and maintain the fitness and ability I had in my body when I was 22 until I die 14.1k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 4:55 AM You can never grow stronger, faster, grow muscles or improve your conditioning, because that would violate the wish 18.1k SoLongGayBowser Oct 1, 2018, 4:57 AM I'll take it. Thanks douchebag genie. 12.0k Diabolico Oct 1, 2018, 7:50 AM Also, you immediately die. 6.8k Quasi-Stellar-Quasar Oct 1, 2018, 8:11 AM So, no down side! 4.3k
    via AskReddit
  • 25
    Text - KisaTheMistress Oct 1, 2018, 7:20 AM I wish I was a Shape-shifter that could change into any form at will, real or imagined, painlessly and gained the abilities of whatever I shape-shifted into! 5.8k [deleted] Oct 1, 2018, 7:22 AM You have been transported as a character into this cool new video game you have described. 7.1k
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