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28 Random Tweets For When You're Bored Stiff

Why spend your time trying to compose a 280 character witticism when other people can do it better? 

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  • 1
    Text - TwistedDoodles @twisteddoodles Putting a yellow raincoat on my three year old daughter. This is really big isn't it?!' It's ok, you'll grow into it.' But I don't want to turn into a raincoat.' 8:11.11 Jul 19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 2
    Text - gym leader khy @KlondikeBrat *gets hit by car* passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" me: "Please... I need my... phone" opens Twitter* me: "LMAOO000 YALL GUESS WHAT"
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  • 3
    Text - Ben Porter @eigenbom video games should have outtakes in the credits that show all the funny bugs and glitches that happened during development 7:30 PM 29 Jun 19 Twitter Web Client 00 16 8 Comments 1 Share Share Like Comment Robert Solomon Bethesda let's you experience them in game.
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  • 4
    Text - lil thanos x @ohen39 friend: why are you upset? me: I didn't make my school's basketball team friend: aren't you homeschooled? [our dog walks past me wearing a jersey] 1:42 PM 10 Jul 19 Twitter for Android
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  • 5
    Text - tiffany @tiffany_tran7 one time I called my boyfriend dumb cause he took the bus instead of the metro to work (bus takes longer) and he hit me with "I take the bus so Ican call u everyday before work I don't get signal on the metro" and then I realized I am dumb and I think about that a lot
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  • 6
    Text - David Hughes @david8hughes So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can't handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I'm so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
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  • 7
    Text - Marc @MarcSnetiker My friend is dating a guy named Blaine and l accidentally called him Blaise which was her ex's name and she got really mad at me as if it's my fault that she exclusively dates guys who sound like Pokémon gym trainers
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  • 8
    Motor vehicle - today @ work a guy said "is it ok if I wait @ the bar until a hot blonde walks in?" & I said sure & laughed like he was joking, then a blonde actually walks in & he winks at me, introduces himself to her, & she rolled her eyes & kissed him.. it was his wife & that made my day
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  • 9
    Text - Honest Restaurant Manager @managerhonesty Me before gym: ..No Me in the parking lot of the gym: .No Me at the gym: ..whyyyyyy Me after the gym: whyyyyyyy Me the day after the gym: whhhyy Me to anyone that asks about the gym: "it's the best part of my day, you feel so great and refreshed nu should totally go"
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  • 10
    Text - Gautham Rao х6 Follow @gauthamrao Overheard at Whole Foods, Silver Spring Husband: I didn't know there was a women's World Cup Wife: say it louder so everyone knows what a dick you are 12:48 PM -7 Jul 2019 26,847 Retweets 248,731 Likes t 27K 790 249K
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  • 11
    Text - t You Retweeted Čhip B. Petèrśøn GAMMY AWAaDs @BonsaiLebowski Currently selling Chip B. Peterson Bath Water TM Honestly guys, please. I can't pay rent this month 6:03 PM 7/11/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 12
    Text - Rebecca Mix @rebeccarmix i love when pets just make up Rules and their humans are like "oh, fine." my :has a bedtime & he won't go to sleep until we do. every night at 10:30 he starts trying to herd us up the stairs. & now we, two grown ass humans, adhere to the bedtime of a 12 pound cat.
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  • 13
    Text - donomo @donomo Today I asked a kindergartner if Friday was his favorite day of the week and his response was, "I dont know. I don't know a lot of things. I'm confused all the time." Same, little man. Same.
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  • 14
    Text - Female Thoughts @Female Texts I babysit for a girl who used to think her mom's name was "my love" bc her dad said it so often to her and that's just freaking cute I can't
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  • 15
    Text - Josh @iwearaonesie How people walk when they're: DATING holding hands* ENGAGED *arms locked* MARRIED *one person is pointing out all the parking spots I missed*
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  • 16
    Text - the average joe @jazz_inmypants my high school had a $10 fine for swearing on campus. one time a kid got caught saying 'shit' during gym. when the principal told him to pay up, he handed him a twenty and said keep the fuckin change.
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  • 17
    Text - Anne T. Donahue @annetdonahue IF THE BUTTER AT YOUR RESTAURANT ISN'T EASY TO SPREAD ON MY COMPLIMENTARY BREADIWILL BURN YOUR ESTABLISHMENT TO THE GROUNI AND THEN WE'LL SEE WHAT SOFT BUTTER LOOKS LIKE
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  • 18
    Cheezburger Image 9331417600
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  • 19
    Text - shem @wtfshemar Isat down next to this international student on the bus and she took one look at me and pulled out a surgical mask Imao I've never been so disrespected in my whole life
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  • 20
    Text - sus @susiezennario Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket Me: ok l'll take 2 Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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  • 21
    Text - Sabaa Tahir @sabaatahir Heard my 6yo slowly and painstakingly reading a Nat Geo book about otters to his stuffed otter b/c "I wanted him to know about his family."
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  • 22
    Text - Derrick Knopsnyder @dknop Just heard an old guy say "don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining." Okay... Or how about just "don't piss in my ear ever. Under any circumstances at all" because that's better. 5:16 PM 6/29/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 23
    Text - Simon Holland @simoncholland Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
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  • 24
    Text - evil @evilbart24 If I haven't talked to you in 2-3 months we're still friends, we're adults we don't need to talk often to validate friendships liz @cherryemoticon 6d If I haven't talked to you in like 2-3 weeks, just know we aren't friends
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  • 25
    Text - salima hayes @SalimaHayes idon't know what it is about walking down the steps in the cinema but my brain just can't function doing it
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  • 26
    Text - Luke Touma @LukeTouma My favorite part of visiting my hometown is that freeing feeling of planning on gaining 10 pounds in three days
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  • 27
    Text - Hannah Berner @beingbernz My favorite hobby is contemplating whether I should work out or not until l get hungry and then l eat.
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  • 28
    Text - If you think that I, an adult, am gonna spend an entire day on my couch without moving a muscle and watching a bunch of kids watch their friend with super powers fight monsters, then you're absolutely Fucking right. Get 'em El
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    haunted_admin
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