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37 Titillating Tweets Written By Amateur Geniuses

The great thing about Twitter is that you don't need to be a famous or published author to get your thoughts out there. As long as you've got a computer or smart phone handy, you're free to let your words run rampant on the internet!

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  • 1
    Funny tweet about the guy who invented nachos
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  • 2
    Tweet that reads, "She likes my natural smell but I think my natural smell is just carnitas #interracialrelationships"
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  • 3
    Tweet that reads, "Me: What do you call a French tortoise that is also a lawyer? Also me: LACOURTOISE"
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  • 4
    Tweet that reads, "A quesadilla is just One Big Nacho; Change my Mind "
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  • 5
    Tweet that reads, "Captain America always looks like a bird just flew away with his hot dog"
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  • 6
    Text - Kobna @MrKobna Me watching Kitchen Nightmares Me: That doesn't look too bad Gordan Ramsay: That is hideous Me: Hideous >
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  • 7
    Text - Kevin M. Kruse @KevinMKruse Thanks to @ChrisEvans, my kids now think I'm friends with Captain America. For the love of God, nobody ruin this for me. Chris Evans @ChrisEvans Follows you
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  • 8
    Bengal tiger - Pigeon Fancier @isabelzawtun The trilogy of the CENTURY Beloved Cat Fired from His Job at a Local Public Library M By RCKI HARRIS 2 20 f Beloved Cat Will Keep His Job at the Local Library After International Backlash yc HARRISS P f Library Cat Outlasts Councilman That Wanted Him Gone ayCe 14301pm du C M w w FOLLOW US OUR NEWSLETTER Seeand our est d ight toyr Sabecbe N MOST VIEWED
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  • 9
    Text - anderson@xvkingg 8h have you ever walked by a Cinnabon sofie @sofiewut 8h I swear nothing in this whole entire world smells better than the person you love 121K t23.4K 174
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  • 10
    Text - Alex Olshansky @atosoccer Ran into a casual high school acquaintance I haven't seen in 10 years on NYC streets. Without saying a word she gives me a high five and keeps walking. Be like her.
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  • 11
    Text - Troy Malek @MalikZadeh *Any reality show where they follow workers in risky situations* Leader: We out ere errday riskin tal! Tree falls on lumberjack in background* Everyone: BILLY NOOOO *Cut to commercial* *Return from commerical* Leader: BILLY YOU OKAY??? Billy: Yer Boss jus stubbed my toe!
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  • 12
    Text - ass jackson @ASSJAC KSON10 That's one way to say it ODrake has 9 Classics 2d The only open minded presidents we've ever had 84,5K 472 Li16,5K
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  • 13
    Text - Daniel Parker @OpTiC_RaNDuMb Reason why I'm unemployed Me: *applies at McDonalds* McDonalds: You're over qualified Me: *applies at NASA* NASA: You're not qualified [No more jobs 6:35 AM 04 Aug 19 Twitter for Android
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  • 14
    Text - sarafcarter @sarafcarter Ok look it's fine if you wanna post your workout on IG but you don't have to be all self-righteous about it. "I did 490 burpees today, what have you done?" I drank 2 margaritas and sent a blurry Snapchat to my ex of 3 years but you don't see me bragging about it, CHAD.
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  • 15
    Text - i was at a Planet Fitness years ago & i heard a girl ask her friend "who is Ben Ghazi" i still think about her all the time & wonder if she's ok 11:39 AM 8/15/19 Twitter for Android 7 Retweets 98 Likes
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  • 16
    Text - James Hamblin @jameshamblin It's funny how airlines delay and cancel flights at the last minute for no clear reason and shrug it off like "life is unpredictable but you'll get there eventually!" But if you try to reschedule a ticket six weeks in advance they'relike "The penalty is $250 or your first child"
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  • 17
    Text - Thread Brayden Bauer // @im_your_density texted a girl "what are you up to" a week ago and she has yet to respond. can't believe she's thinking this hard about it lol it's a simple question honestly i might just ghost her 3:14 am 15 Aug. 19 Twitter for iPhone 10.7K Retweets 114K Likes
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  • 18
    Text - POLICE DEPARTMENT Lincoln Police @Lincoln_Police NOT COOL Not Cool: Hanging out in your car in an empty parking lot More Not Cool: Hotboxing with your buddies and getting caught by @Lincoln_Police Extra More Not Cool: Calling your mom to come get you Super Extra More Not Coo: Mom getting a DUI when she arrives drunk #LPD LIVCOLN
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  • 19
    Text - Nugget @NuggetlnTheAM Relationship compatibility test: Watch "The Office" together and if they don't laugh at the things you laugh at it's time for them to leave
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  • 20
    Text - Ali Kolbert @AliKolbert I actually enjoyed babysitting as a teenager and by that I mean l actually enjoyed absolutely raiding stranger's pantry closets. Nutri-Grain Strawberry? Count me in. Smores Pop Tarts? Don't mind if I do.
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  • 21
    Text - Bill Murphy - PR Ninja @TheBillMurphy Being an adult gamer is basically just buying every game you want... But never really being able to play them like you should. 7:34 PM 12 Aug 19 Twitter for Android 700 Retweets 2,872 Likes
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  • 22
    Text - Michael Tiberi @michaelisbasic If by yoga you mean stretching across my bed to text while my phone is plugged into the wall, then yes I do yoga
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  • 23
    Text - When's Happy Hour? @whenshappyhour1 WHEN'S HAPPY HOUR? Me, pouring myself a glass of wine: Thursday is the new Friday! My boss: no
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  • 24
    Text - Ryan Reynolds @VancityRey... 1h Weird. My daughter JUST stabbed me in the right eye. (She's not a ninja, but she IS a bit of a dick) Point is, We can finally trade roles... (Happy Birthday Bubba!) Chris Hemsworth@chrishem... Immediately after this shot was taken my son viciously attacked me from behind (due to his ninja training) and slammed my face into the flaming candles, I'll now be playing Deadpool if @VancityReynolds pulls the pin #bestbirthdayever @ElsaPataky
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  • 25
    Text - @ZachWeiner 18h Zach Weinersmith Theory: Because lots of nerds *think* they like science fiction for the interesting technology and predictions, but *actually* they come back for great characters, you could get them to read any Jane Austen novel by starting with "On Mars..." then changing nothing. L666 152 4,201 @ZachWeiner 18h It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. Zach Weinersmith L249 50 1,819
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  • 26
    Text - sarafcarter AM @sarafcarter Best parts about being an adult: -fierce trust issues -always anxious about something but can rarely pinpoint what -constantly on the verge of a sinus infection -wait no
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  • 27
    Text - amanda @amanda_c_rae True crime documentaries have ruined my perspective on dating... Like is this cute guy that's hitting on me going to take me out for a nice dinner and a movie or is he trying to cut off all of my skin and wear it as a face mask? I'm not trying to find out
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  • 28
    Text - 11:35 Tweet Mr Lemons @TheMrLemons Waited in a really long line for some Vietnamese noodles. It was a big pho queue. 11:32 PM 8/1/19 Twitter for iPhone ul View Tweet activity
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  • 29
    Text - Kaitlyn Murphy @KaitKomedy Relationship status: I asked my boyfriend if I can call him my boyfriend and he said no
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  • 30
    Text - yabkat @ohen39 doctor: you have a disease that causes memory loss me: is it contagious? doctor: is what contagious? 00:13 15/08/2019 Twitter for Android 3,661 Retweets 31.1K Likes
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  • 31
    Text - Sugar Baby Abeg @FlavaFlavswife My worst date will always be the one where I paid for the cinema ticket and snacks and my date reached out for the change from the cashier and put it in his pocket.
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  • 32
    Text - Weak Ankles @ankles_so_weak Women aren't less horny than men. It's just that our horny program runs in the background and yours is a popup. 4:00 PM 8/13/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 33
    Product - Mott @Meatteo 1m If a line existed for what shouldn't pumpkin flavored, #spam crossed it like a Kenyan marathon runner SPAM P St LIMITED EDITION PUMPKIN SPICE Serving Sgention NET w HE
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  • 34
    Text - RainnWilson @rainnwilson Kid on the Street: "Are you Dwight?" Me: "Nope." Kid: "Yeah You Are! I'm the BIGGEST Office fan! Can I get a pic?" Me: "What's My Name? Kid: "Uh... I don't know..." Me: (walking off) "Then You're not the biggest Office fan." 8:12 PM 8/5/19 Twitter for iPhone 6,660 Retweets 91.6K Likes Creed Bratton @creedbratton 5h Replying to @rainnwilson Funny I never had that problem LI851 12.2K 82
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  • 35
    Text - Mikey @KrunkedRobot Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho. 5:01 AM 13 Aug 16 420 RETWEETS 1,080 LIKES

  • 36
    Text - Steve Dutzy @SteveDutzy Sucks how every girl I'm interested in is either taken or has good taste in men. 2:17 AM 07 Sep 16 90 RETWEETS 202 LIKES

  • 37
    Face - Alise Morales @AliseNavidad Someone please stop working and talk to me about what in the living fuck simon cowell has done to his face T 11:26 AM Aug 14, 2019 Twitter for iPhone
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