Comical 'By The Age Of 35, Every Women Should' Tweets

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  • 01
    funny women - Text - By the age of 35, every woman should: be walking around the house saying, "Why is every single light on? Do I look like I'm made of money? Open a curtain for once, will you?" wonder aloud why this room that she just tidied is messy again have developed a library of sighs
  • 02
    funny women - Text - To child: "Well I'm not cleaning that!"
  • 03
    funny women - Text - She also asks, is it too early for wine at 9 AM?
  • 04
    funny women - Text - Makes doctors and dentist appointments for everyone, but hasn't seen a doctor herself in like 3 years.
  • 05
    funny women - Text - Getting up to get something from another room only to get there and forget what you were supposed to grab so you sit down again and immediately remember what it was you meant to get in the first place UGH...
  • 06
    funny women - Text - Curse under her breath about neighbors who make noise after 7 pm.
  • 07
    funny women - Text - If, by the age of 35, you are not having animated one-sided conversations with yourself, better check your birth certificate just to be sure you got your age right.
  • 08
    funny women - Text - Discussing household appliances, often enthusiastically, the way you'd previously have talked about your favorite bar/club/place to shop for clothes.
  • 09
    funny women - Text - -Pondered out loud multiple times, "Why is the TVon if no one is in this room?!" -Owns 17 different outfits that she hates and that don't fit yet can't get rid of "for reasons." -A stack of 10-year-old magazines from a hobby she never really got into because she "might pick up again."
  • 10
    funny women - Text - -thinks back like a love lost to all the sunscreen she should have been wearing in her teens and twenties and tries to emotionally prepare to look like the crypt keeper -thinks "I would go out to twerk in a club if I could go at like 4 pm" -sets books by the bed. Never reads books.
  • 11
    funny women - Text - "You're cold? You're COLD!? You're wearing at-shirt! Put a sweater on!!
  • 12
    funny women - Text - -understands why Britney had a breakdown. -is able to wipe a surface, carry on conversation, and apply make-up/groom at the same time. -realizes all those "strange, angry, loud, older women who don't have husbands" are actually good and normal.
  • 13
    funny women - Text - Wants to be invited, but does NOT want to come to any event. Ever.
  • 14
    funny women - Text - In addition, I mutter "What's going on?" 300 times a day under my breath
  • 15
    funny women - Text - I'd like to add "aggressively wiping counters"

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