Tweets That Bring The Laughs In 280 Characters Or Less

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andcallmeshirley
Dec 6, 2019 5:08 PM EST
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  • 01
    Text - Henry Sotheran Ltd @Sotherans "I bought another book" - transactional -people will ask if you REALLY need more books -reminds you of your bank balance "I paid a terrible price for this knowledge" -classy Faustian vibes - intimidating - implies all books are priceless treasures. which they are. 5:44 AM Nov 5, 2019 Twitter for Android
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  • 02
    Text - Nick Morrow ONRMorrow "who the HELL is in my Google Doc" I think furiously, before realizing it's me in a different tab Twitter Web App 5:02 PM Nov 20, 2019
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  • 03
    Stuffed toy - IM SO PISSED OFFRIGHT NOW
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  • 04
    Text - 11:52 Tweet Akshar@AksharPathak 1h These stringy things on bananas are goddamn disgusting 1 30 22 420 Nandita lyer @saffrontrail Replying to @AksharPathak Did you know if you peel the banana from the other end, all the stringy things will come off with the peel? That's why monkeys peel it that way 10:36 AM 20 Nov 19 Twitter for iPhone 5 Retweets 52 Likes Tweet your reply
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  • 05
    Text - the library haunter @SketchesbyBoze you don't have to attend college right out of high school. learn a trade. get a job. apply to become a maid in a hobgoblin's scary castle. get thrown out of the castle after entering the forbidden room with all the corpses. it's your life and you can do what you want with it. Twitter Web App 3:05 PM Nov 17, 2019
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  • 06
    Text - Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings at the park today. i noticed the human glancing at another human. so i made my way over. and sat on their foot. forcing my human to come apologize for me. i am a matchmaker 4:16 PM Nov 16, 2019 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 07
    Text - the great Marcus Aurelius from The Gladiator @alexgarbuckle My new YA series ABERRANT is set in a dystopic future where cilantro tastes like soap to everyone except our heroine, Esmyralda Proudwing. To her, cilantro tastes good and goes great in guacamole. I have already sold the film rights for $300M 2:01 PM Nov 14, 2019 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 08
    Text - 0 LTE 8:18 Tweet Sarah Beattie @nachosarah looking for a guy who will be cool with me playing the clip of trump getting booed on a loop while we fuck 8:00 PM 28 Oct 19 Twitter for iPhone 68 Retweets 2,408 Likes Fred Labosch @Fred_Labosch 13m Replying to @nachosa rah No problem, I'm already booed during sex anyway... It's probably nice fora change, when someone else is meant. 39 Robert Sweeso @RobertSweeso 16m Replying to @nachosa rah You should make this your Tinder bio 31 Dan @mcnwn8 15m
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  • 09
    Text - mattfred @itsmattfred The Black Plague was a PR disaster for rats as a species. They never truly recovered until 2007 (release of Ratatouille)
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  • 10
    Text - LTE 10:01 Tweet t Kaju Katli retweeted sofiane @Sofianejpeg Okey elon mosque sultan @sultangelo 4d i will build tha first masjid on tha moon 1:32 AM 14 Sep 19 Twitter for iPhone 1,245 Retweets 3,479 Likes Yassine @chekiri 3d Replying to @sofianejpeg and @m 7albae is the qibla Which way 1 11 1 more reply kiara. @afrosolar 1d Replying to @sofianejpeg MASSI IM DEAD 1 Tweet your reply
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  • 11
    Text - Bpooky babe @PastelCoffins don't be mad when i buy myself some sketchers and light up somebody else's world 11:40 AM Nov 11, 2019 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 12
    Brick - VPN 10:14 g Vo) 4G r LTE 0.7KB/s Tweet Assam Police AP @assampolice Anyone lost a huge (590 kgs) amount of Cannabis/Ganja and a truck in and around Chagolia Checkpoint last night? Don't panic, we found it. Please get in touch with @Dhubri_Police. They will help you out, for sure; Great job Team Dhubri. ST SAM Tweet your reply POLICE ASSAM
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  • 13
    Text - Capitol Hill Books @chbooksdc From our book scout in the field: A woman at the Paris airport has taken off her shoes and is clipping her toe nails. Frankly, I can't believe she has de Gaulle. 2:13 PM Nov 5, 2019 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 14
    Conversation
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  • 15
    Text - 7:30 Tweet Norm Macdonald @normmacdonald I stand on the subway platform, the one I stood in wait day after day, two decades ago, and wait again for a single Memory to find me. Instead, Memory's inauthentic twin, Nostalgia, has me smiling at that that never was. I must be very careful to mind the gap. 2:55 AM 05 Nov 19 Twitter Web App 366 Retweets 3,647 Likes Matthew Wilson @diakopter 4h Replying to @normmacdonald Just accept the offer to host SNL already 33 Rockstar Skinny @OILongshotLoui
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  • 16
    Text - sullivan ballou @sullivan_ballou Being on a friend-dating app has taught me about many groups I had biases against that I didn't realize such as: people who like Disney - people who think binging Netflix is a personality - people who make Instagram face filters their profile pic - people who love yoga 9:58 PM Oct 28, 2019 Twitter Web App
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  • 17
    Text - Vo 23:44 T 0.0KB/s 4G r LTE Tweet @VORdotcom Yes we can.. I don't have a surname... Many south indians don't give their child a surname because they want the kid to stand on his own two feet. The left feet is called: Self The right feet is called: Respect @nailainayat 30m Naila Inayat नायला इनायत We can't strip people of their surnames, like a Gandhi or a Bhutto, or can we? twitter.com/ VORdotcom/stat... 23:15 25 Apr 19. Twitter Web App 14 Retweets 39 Likes Chowkidar Ashok. @AshokVelaga2
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  • 18
    Text - matthew pierce @MatthewEPierce christians if ur pastor is always ripping his suit because of his large furry body and he often wanders down into the pews and eats one of the slower old people, it is time to find another church, ur pastor is a bear 8:42 AM Oct 27, 2019 Twitter Web App
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  • 19
    Text - 0LTE 5:20 Tweet t Abhishek Upmanyu retweeted sumaira shaikh @sumairashaik A Dating App only for introverts where they talk awkwardly, it's called Mumble!!! 4:13 PM 31 Oct 19 Twitter for Android 18 Retweets 243 Likes Drunken Artist @aDrunkenArtist 57m Replying to @sumairashaik and @AbhiUpmanyu and when a girl swipe right on that awkwardly introverted profile, the app becomes humble. 2 tonysopranos @tonysopranos13 55m Replying to @sumairashaik and @AbhiUpmanyu i am awkward like hell..i need
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  • 20
    Text - sloane (sipihkopiyesis) @cottoncandaddy can't stop thinking about the time this guy said I have the face of a duck and then when I was like wtf he was like "no I meant it as a good thing! like a sexy duck" straight men need help so bad 5:16 PM Oct 18, 2019 Twitter Web App
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  • 21
    Text - 2:31 Tweet Nikki Glaser liked Whitney Cummings @WhitneyCummings if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I'm holding my phone, I will call the police. 12:00 AM · 05 Oct 19 · Twitter Web App 8,914 Retweets 52.1K Likes Charlotte Clymer @cmclymer · 14h Replying to @WhitneyCummings and @yashar 42 RyanReallyCannot @RyanCannot · 14h Replying to @WhitneyCummings Ok same but can I just text the police? 236 Brialashay @brialashay · 5h U can if the service is available in ur stat
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  • 22
    Text - 0 LTE 12:18 Tweet Aditya Raj Kaul liked Arun Bothra @arunbothra As young SPl examined a murder suspect for 4 hours. Asked indirect questions to confirm doubt. Books say never ask directly if one has committed crime. During break sentry asked if he had committed murder, the man said yes. "Why didn't you tell this to sir' 'He didn't ask' 11:12 PM 31 Oct 19 Twitter for Android 166 Retweets 1,157 Likes @_AnsumanRath 12h Ansuman Rath Replying to @arunbothra #GenuineKoschen Was the sentry rewar
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  • 23
    Cat - whatshouldwecallme
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  • 24
    Text - James Hamblin @jameshamblin If you shoot for the moon and land among the stars something is very messed up. The moon is 239,000 miles away and you went at least 25 trillion miles. Humanity needs you to come back and tell us how you did it. 10:38 PM Oct 2, 2019 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 25
    Text - 9:58 Tweet tSwatKat retweeted VW @drvaishaliw India. A land where single women have to pretend they don't have sex, while married women have to pretend they do. 9:54 PM 18 Nov 19 Twitter for iPhone 998 Retweets 5,046 Likes Chowkidar Nirav Modi @niiravmodi 1d Replying to @drvaishaliw India. A land where a mechanical engineer doesn't get Sex at all and if he gets then govt put him under a CBI enquiry. t1 111 4 VW @drvaishaliw 1d D my sympathies 9 13 Tweet your reply
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  • 26
    Text - 9:53 Tweet Sheen @SuchAMisfit I share my underwear with my maid and that's how I surprise my boyfriend with a new vagina fragrance every freakin time. 8:20 PM 11 Aug 19 Twitter for Android 135 Retweets 463 Likes ? @BravePineapple 1d Replying to @SuchAM isfit GIF 44 3 Tweet your reply
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  • 27
    Forehead
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  • 28
    Organism - 7:22 LTE Tweet News18 18 CNN NEWS news18.com @CNNnews18 Snake Bites Man in Gujarat, Man Bites it Back, Both Die Snake Bites Man in Gujarat, Man Bites it Back, Both Die news18.com 6:17 PM 16 Jul 19 Twitter Web Client 2,783 Retweets 4,581 Likes #FindingGaurav @confess2gau rav 23h Replying to @CNNnews1 8 Tweet your reply
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  • 29
    Text - matthew pierce OMatthewEPierce if u call yourself a christian but u regularly douse yourself in ranch dressing and prance around your front yard in a tiny cowboy hat yelling GIDDY-UP LITTLE DOGGIES, u are missing the point of the gospel 8:18 PM Nov 10, 2019 Twitter Web App
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  • 30
    Text - 0.0KB/s VPN 4G LTE Vo) 7:42 Tweet Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump 8h Just spoke to Prime Minister @Narendra Modi where I congratulated him on his big political victory. He is a great man and leader for the people of India - they are lucky to have him! L 25.5K 5,130 102K Faad Dunga BC @naalaYUCK Replying to @real DonaldTrump and @narendramodi Stop tagging celebrities for RTs 23:34 24 May 19. Twitter for Android
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  • 31
    Text - 4G r 12.3KB/s 21:56 Thread Falcon Heavy Fairing @HeavyFairing 4d Replying to @elonmusk ??? 2k Add To Share 5k Download TINDER DATE CUMS IN ME IN A TESLA ON AUTOPILOT 1,410,903 VIEWS 74% u/ElongatedMuskCat t 1,670 91 19.1K IvanSemito @Semitolvan 4d If you will not post the link. Don't post the picture. Motherfucker. -Mahatma Gandhi Goalcast Li 65 2,472 10 Falcon Heavy Fairing @HeavyFairing 3d pornhub.com/view_video.php... sorry to keep you waiting, sir. Tweet your reply
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  • 32
    Text - Vo 19:49T 4G r LTE 0.0KB/s Tweet Bill Burr @billburr There are people who are funny and then there are people who use memes. #iLoveU 19:17 28 Apr 19 Twitter for iPhone 129 Retweets 944 Likes Flagg Σagl3t0n @NM_Che56 28m Replying to @billburr THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE FUNNY AND THEN THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO USE MEMES. 94 Tape @Tape231 29m Denlvina to @billbLLer Tweet your reply
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  • 33
    Text - 10:15 9 0.1KB/s 1 4G Voi LTE Thread Andy Richter @AndyRichter Left my dongle in the gym! 21:29 26 Mar 19 Twitter for iPhone 15 Retweets 819 Likes Andy Richter @AndyRichter 29 Mar Update: I almost put my dongle in the washing machine! 2i8 65 484 Andy Richter @AndyRichter 8h At the pool & had planned on listening to music but I forgot my dongle.-( ti 3 60 370 Bucky Isotope @Buckylsotope 26 Mar Replying to @Andy Richter youtu.be/byDilLrNbM4 16 Aaron Mahnke @amahnke 26 Mar Tweet your reply
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  • 34
    Text - Hrair Dadour...ian @ericdadourian Wow a chicken just told me their top three favorite composers of all time wow 1) Вach 2) Bach 3) Вach 3:38 AM Oct 29, 2019 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 35
    Text - Vo LTE 0.00KB/s aY 23:46 Tweet Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien Call me old fashioned, but I find beautiful women incredibly attractive. 1:10 am 05 Nov 18 2,116 Retweets 19K Likes A.G. Durghalli @AmmarGeorges 22h Replying to @Conan OBrien Call me old old-fashioned, but beauty with no depth of mind means nothing to me. 5 111 Elizabeth Richard @elizabe151670... 22h Thank you! Attitude like that allows me to get dates:) 33 Brian Wunderlich @SleepTilContent 19h He's just being PC, my guess is he's
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  • 36
    Cat - Let me seduce you
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  • 37
    Text - reminding you to drink water @drinkwaterslut boyfriEND girlfriEND best friEND all of these have an END only WATER has no END so drink water now you stupid bitch 3:24 AM Sep 25, 2019 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 38
    Text - Vo 0.1KB/s 22:54 T 4G LTE Tweet matthew perry @MatthewPerry Three months in a hospital bed. Check. 6:29 15 Sep 18 Echofon 1,632 Retweets 24.6K Likes Ashley @itsashley917 16 Sep 18 Replying to@MatthewPerry 3 months in CHECK a hospital bed. 7 2i 30 637 Jennifer Konstant @pulpstre... 16 Sep 18 v Well played etgarydeb Tweet your reply CO
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  • 39
    Text - 13:17 0.0KB/s Thread Mu g'"uuj P'"joi DILARANG TIDUR DIDALAM MESJHD TTD PENGURUS 77 LI 1,713 10.8K BENTARA ALAM @alambentoo 1d Ps: the written words are in Indo an, it says, "Sleeping is prohibited inside the mosque" ti682 98 9,290 Blick Winkel?[H. Anthony Israel] @... 1d DILAKANU TIDV DIDALAM MESJH That sign won't stop me, because I can't read! Tweet your reply
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  • 40
    Text - Henry Gargan @hgargan Replying to @honjowes *takes deep breath* HAVING AN OPINION ABOUT THE OXFORD COMMA IS NOT A PERSONALITY 8:44 PM Sep 24, 2019 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 41
    Text - Vo 0.0KB/s TE 1:06 Home Kaju Katli replied @ladywith flaws 2h Angoor Stark Snowfall makes everything look so beautiful!! Show me your favourite snowfall picture people Li 2 78 140 Kaju Katli @MonkNxtDoor 2h 21 2 2 2 Andv Richter renlied.
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