DeadEyeDog

Mum: You said some very nasty things to me this morning, when I woke you up. Me: You put a powerdrill to my head!

Mom's Friend: Ron Howard's kids' middle names are the placed where they were conceived. Mom: Dining table! (This was during choir practice)

Me: What's for dinner? Mom: BBQ chicken breasts. Dad: CHICKEN TITS‽

(Me and my Mum walked into Kmart behind a gay couple holding hands.) Mum: Oh my God! Look at the pansies! (I stare at her in horror as the guys in front of us turn around and glare. I realize she is pointing to a display of pansy plants near the door.)

(Mom upon opening her package of syringes she ordered for nursing purposes) Mom: Sweet, they got here early! Me: Why do you even... Mom: Practice, now get over here and let's find a vein. Me: ... How about no. Mom: Oh, that's alright then. You have to sleep eventually.

(Dad hits rumble strips while driving.) Me: What are those for? dad: That's how blind people drive. It's called braille driving.

Dad: I did alot of crazy things when I was a kid. Me: Like what? Dad: Well once I did a whole bunch of cocaine and threw a TV through a ten story window. Good thing you only do pot. Me: I... I got nothin'...

The correct wording is "I like short women," not "I like little girls." #LFMF

Don't ever do drugs. The little person you see on your way home while on LSD is NOT a leprechaun. you will get arrested. you will not be able to explain it. #LFMF

Never attempt to amuse yourself by flicking a sleeping cat's ear until it swipes at you. You may think you have cat-like reflexes, but cats have cat-like reflexes and CLAWS. #LFMF