deamonfroggy

*pulling up to a McDonald's drive thru* Dad: Can I get a sweet tea with lemon? Employee: Will t...

While talking about people who go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings... Grandma: And that's why ...

*talking to me about sex* Grandma: You know, my first time with your grandpa sounded like "plok ...

me: *sitting with my friends at Starbucks after school, none of them had ever met my dad before* ...

(dad storms into house) Dad: Well, at least I never f*cked a penguin!

Me: How do you like your coffee dad? Dad: Strong and black... just like my men

After passing the second dead cat while driving... Me: Mom, they are killing all the kitties! M...

Dad: Yes, I am going to murder you little ice cream cone, one lick at a time!

Dad talking in his sleep: Obama stole my freakin deer head!

*Mom while working out, doing what the TV says* Lady on TV: Lets do this again!!! Mom: NO, B**C...

(while driving down a back road) My Dad: Oh look, ducks. Quack quack quack. Shake that ass, duck.

Mom:(I had just come out to her as gay) Okay, that's fine, and I want you to know I still love yo...

(This was on May 21st, 2011 at 5:01 pm) Me: Well, Mom, it looks like we only have 59 minutes lef...

*In the car listening to the radio, Low by Flo rider comes on* *Mum turns up the radio* Mum: Ye...

Dad: Snoring, and then abruptly stops. Mom: Wake yourself up? Dad:(sleeptalking) THE STATUE OF ...

(my uncle to his lap dog) I'm a velociraptor... Hear me roar, you pathetic dog!

(My parents and I were playing Buzz Word and the word was Chip) Me: Striped Rodent Dad: Zebra!

Me- Hey! I got an A+ on my social studies test and a B on my math test! Mom- Good, you have to b...

*lean on my mom* Me: Mom, I'm really tired. I didn't fall asleep until late last night. Mom: *s...

(talking about my dad's job as an engineer) Dad: I could have been a baker. It would've been so ...

Family Feud Host: Name a place where you might see a dead body. Mom: Next to Chuck Norris.

Mom always wants grandchildren (I'm 24). Mom: Hey when are you going to have kids? Me: Um... wh...

(I overheard this conversation between a man and his son at the pizza parlor where I work.) Dad:...

Mom: I hate it when they spank the cows. Dad: Sometimes the cows like it.

(at the store and my mom walks up with a cross) Me: We aren't religious, why are you buying a cr...

My dad, my sister, and I were watching a show about the siege of Byzantium. They were talking abo...

(While my dad is in the ICU after a heart attack) Mom: The doctor says your heart rate is too lo...

*I was cranky on afternoon, and my dad thought that he was being funny* Dad: She got out of bed,...