lennel

Eli(my brother): Well, mom, looks like you're gonna be a grandma again. Mom: Seriously?! When di...

No matter how realistic your dream was, you don't have to show up for the dentist appointment you...

You are an optometrist looking at a patient’s eye through the eyepieces of your equipment, rememb...

‎-After my boyfriend folded the laundry and cleaned the bathroom- Me: Sammy the house elf. Mom:...

Me: Hey, Uncle, do you like cats? Uncle: Sure, I just haven't found the right sauce for them yet...

Mom(randomly): I remember the night you were conceived. Me: I don't want to hear this. Mom: It ...

(Talking about Judgment Day) Me: Well, a lot of Catholics believe that animals don’t have souls....

I was on the bus on the way home from work the other day when the unmistakable roar of a 'tricked...

*I trip over a store display* Mom: You're a like a walking ad for birth control.

Mom:(I had just come out to her as gay) Okay, that's fine, and I want you to know I still love yo...

Grandma: I only wear my bra when I wear my teeth.

Mom: I decided not to give birth because there was a 50% chance I'd have a girl Me: I'M a girl! ...

Me:Night Dad, I'm going to bed Dad:Have PG rated dreams! Me:...