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Thirty-Three Twitter Tidbits To Eliminate The Tedium

Twitter sometimes exudes genius. Like, literally, that's all Twitter is - clever comebacks and absolute brilliance in just 280 characters. We think some of these people deserve a Pulitzer prize.

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  • 1
    Text - Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, "Patient zero, YOU will be going first." Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy. 6:56 AM · 1/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 2
    Text - Mott @Meatteo · 12/20/19 My time to shine mosene @mos... · 12/20/19 Amazon are looking for ugly people to play Orcs on the New Lord of The Rings series happymag.tv/got-a-heaps-ug... <>
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  • 3
    Text - Doc Around the Clock @DocAround ThClok [hospital boot camp] drill instructor: WHAT DO PEOPLE NEED WHEN THEY'RE SICK?! healthcare workers: REST! DI: AND WHAT DO WE DO WHEN WE ADMIT THEM TO THE HOSPITAL?! HW: WAKE THEM UP! DI: HOW OFTEN?! HW: EVERY HOUR!! DI: good...good...and don't forget to withhold their food 2:05 PM · Jan 4, 2020 · Twitter Web App
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  • 4
    Text - Crockett TM @CrockettForReal Harry Potter: you almost got my friends and I killed! Dumbledore: *shrugs* you should drink butterbeer and do magic about it. 8:26 AM - 1/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 5
    Text - Mott @Meatteo 1m Who ever is in charge of Customer Relations @Walmart is really dropping the ball not allowing employees to wear sweatpants to work. If l'm shopping for cottage cheese in my stained sweatpants , I don't wanna be judged , I wanna be embraced.
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  • 6
    Text - uncle mom @mayamanion My mother just used "shan't" in a sentence. Ok Maid Marian, I'Il bring your dish back in a fortnight. 2:53 PM · 1/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 7
    Text - kate @kaiteasley therapist: have you considered maybe not sabotaging your own life me: Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump 1d BORING!
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  • 8
    Text - Alex Giampapa @Giamdaddy America just needs a mom to be like, "A new war? You got new war money? You never even finished the last two. We have plenty of war at home."
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  • 9
    Text - Life and Times of Mom @VirginiaMcMurdo For 8 installments of $500 I will personally come to your house and cut the existing turkey and cheese you already purchased into tiny circles to trick your kids into thinking they're from Lunchables. Lmk 1:33 PM · 1/8/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 10
    Text - SpacedMom @copymama Nestled between the frontal lobe and the temporal lobe, scientists have discovered a new section of the brain that they've dubbed the "Lisa Lobe," which reportedly only hears what it wants to. 6:15 AM · 1/7/20 · Twitter Web App
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  • 11
    Text - Worst Cass Scenario @WorstCassie I just realized that someday in the not too distant future, I am going to get to watch Goonies with my kids for the very first time, and I haven't been this excited in a while. 5:10 PM · 1/8/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 12
    Text - Elon Musk O @elonmusk I put the art in fart Tweet vertalen 09 jan. 20 om 11:04 · Twitter for iPhone 17,5K Retweets 127K Vind-ik-leuks Pranay Pathole @PPathole · 3u Als antwoord op @elonmusk How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted? Because noble gases don't cause reaction
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  • 13
    Text - Trophy Wife Y @TrophyWifeDayna Am I constantly complaining that I need to get more exercise? Yes. But am I scrolling on my phone instead of exercising? Also yes. 10:31 AM · 1/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 14
    Cat - Laurazepam @andlikelaura · 1d me: it's like im in this never ending loop of sadness therapist: wow pathetic much me: what [therapist removes mask to reveal it's actually my cat] me: oh my god my cat: meow you depressed bitch Q 14 27416 4,003 Laurazepam @andlikelaura · 1d this tweet is 100% about nox my adorable but asshole cat just look at his judgey face
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  • 15
    Cartoon - Phil Lord O @philiplord WHERE ARE HIS LEGS POLLO CAMPERO IMPERD 3:35 p.m. · 08 Jan. 20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 16
    Text - Lovable Nerd @alovablenerd dating is really like, do I wanna go with that same old, familiar set of red flags or should I really just try an entirely new type of mistake 6:29 PM · 1/6/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 17
    Text - the drake gatsby @DrakeGatsby I go to bed at like 9 PM because I have grand plans of waking up at 430 and going to the gym but i never actually do so l am just getting an embarrassing amount of sleep lately 3:59 AM - 1/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 18
    Text - Fossilized Tree Resin @Jamberee13 Benefits of being of slightly below average attractiveness: -less pressure -can usually go unnoticed when you want to -can be evil without the hero of the story falling in love with you and trying to change your dastardly ways 6:18 PM · 1/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 19
    Text - the drake gatsby @DrakeGatsby Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho Scientist: There's evidence they were scavengers Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin- Scientist: They wore socks with sandals 9:22 AM - 1/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 20
    Text - Glenn @Shenaniglenns Starbucks Manager: Greb is employee of the month again Me: His name is Greg Starbucks Manager: He won because HE doesn't talk back, Davib 2:17 PM · 1/8/20 · Twitter Web App
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  • 21
    Product - Aol.com @lukasbattle If the devil tempted Eve with an apple he tempted me with the Home Depot employee stairs
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  • 22
    Text - the drake gatsby 8 @DrakeGatsby My homemade chicken soup is great for when you have a cold because I pour a stupid amount of DayQuil into it 2:28 PM · 1/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 23
    Text - Hanna Dickinson @hansdickie me at 13:1'll probably get married when l'm old, like 25 me at 27: bath towels are also beach towels, dish towels and sheets 2:52 PM · 07 Jan 20 · Twitter Web App
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  • 24
    Text - Laurazepam @andlikelaura Harry Potter at an interview Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old. Harry: That's correct, sir. Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow. 7:15 PM · 5/28/18 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 25
    Text - WATNUTESCOMEUY Me: *has no problem spending $40 to eat out* Also me: "well if I buy the generic brand l'll save 70¢" 1:29 AM · 09 Jan 20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 26
    Text - Laurazepam @andlikelaura my favorite part about having a job is being too busy to eat during the day and then eating 5000 calories when i get home 2:57 PM · 1/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 27
    Text - New Jersey @NJGOV ur mom has an attitude problem Elton Jawn @caseyjuneb ·1d The whole state of New Jersey has an attitude problem Show this thread 11:34 AM · 1/8/20 · Twitter Web App
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  • 28
    Text - Emily @emilychyanne_ I met this dude on tinder and asked what his last name was.. he told me, then replied " you doing a little background check? You might find out l'm a murderer, just ignore that e" okay so a good sense of humor.. well I googled him and he was a murderer. OAidan Moher @adribbleofink · 5d Tell me a story about yourself the sounds like a lie but is absolutely true. Show this thread 6:35 · 08 Jan 20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 29
    Text - Go Ask Your Dad @_goaskyourdad_ I'm thinking it's time for a vacation. The only "tide" l've been seeing lately is my laundry detergent. 5:02 AM · 1/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 30
    Text - Sparkles and Skid Marks @SparklesNSkids If the survival of the human race depended on me estimating the right amount of pasta to cook, we'd be fucked. 5:34 PM · 1/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 31
    Text - Kieran @KieranMSimpson publisher: so what's going to be the twist in the 5th book? jk rowling: [leaning in and whispering in his ear] publisher: ur really gonna do that? jk rowling: [nodding] dead sirius 9:00 AM · 1/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 32
    Text - Chicago Tribune O @chicagotribune Northwestern graduate moving closer to home after spending time abroad Prince Harry, Meghan Markle 'to step back' as senior members of royal family chicagotribune.com 2:10 PM · 08 Jan 20 · SocialFlow
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  • 33
    Text - average joe @jazz_inmypants Songwriter: alright so it goes like *clears throat* yummy yum that yummy yum that yummy yummy Justin Bieber: Producer: Justin Bieber: that's fantastic Producer: so, so good. how do u do it Songwriter: haha thanks idk these things just come to me 2:05 PM · 1/7/20 · Twitter Web App
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  • About the Author

    Meeeeesh
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