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A Big Old Batch Of Fresh & Funny Tweets

Twitter is a marvelous and scary place. For every funny 280 character tidbit, there's a terrible take or some kind of anti-vaxxer getting trolled. That's why we do the dirty work for you. These amusing tweets have been carefully selected to include everything you need: weirdo humor, relatable anecdotes, and a dash of current events. Just don't let your boss catch you scrolling dirty. 

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  • 1
    Text - Picaresque Thomson @Mianmath83 I talk a lot of shit for a guy who has shampoo and conditioner called Herbal Essences Tea-lightfully Clean. 9:19 AM · 2/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 2
    Text - Girl On Tapas @girlontapas Accidentally matched my bra and panties today and now I feel like I need to go somewhere important with all my fanciness. 6:07 AM · 1/22/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 3
    Text - I read somewhere that this year's Super Bowl halftime show wasn't appropriate for children. Well ma'am, I saw Janet Jackson's entire boob as a child and I turned out just fine.
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  • 4
    Text - Annie Hatfield @HatfieldAnne You thank me for a favor and I respond "I hope it's not the best thing Iever do for you." That's how I win the thank you game. 7:00 PM · 1/12/20 · Twitter Web App
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  • 5
    Text - Quite the Curious @QuiteTheCurious I like the phrase "you bet your sweet ass", because l'm a big fan of both gambling and sweet asses. 5:04 PM · 11/7/19 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 6
    Human - Angie B @Angibangie Women are evolving to stay young forever, fear us 50 years old in 50 years old in 1985 2020 7:20 PM · 2/3/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 7
    Text - Meghan @shesallfreckles people that can sleep while they're hot.. you're the true psychopaths *turns heat down to 65°, blasts fan* 7:24 PM · 2/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 8
    Text - cap'n watsisname @capnwatsisname After a series of fish-related professional disruptions, the dentist at 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney switches to marking his scuba gear with a home address. 5:14 PM · 2/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 9
    Text - Guy Incognito @ShutUpThatsWho RAND SAI [country naming meeting] ME: [clearly drunk] Greenland? not green. Thailand? no ties. Iceland? Full of fucken volcanoes. what's a Switzer? 4:52 PM · 9/6/16 · Twitter Web Client
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  • 10
    Text - The Untastic Mr. Fitz @UnFitz A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar. There's no punchline. It's just a typical night in Australia. 5:18 AM · 2/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 11
    Text - Best of Nextdoor @bestofnextdoor lavoided this submission for weeks bc of the subject line but then I finally read it and just trust me on this one Neighbors, I was outside and heard a kitty yowling. Then I heard a power tool start up and the kitty started screaming. UPS East Side Neighbors, I was outside and heard a kitty yowling. Then I heard a power tool start up and the kitty started screaming. Then went silent. I freaked out and told my husband. He took off down the alley (between N
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  • 12
    Text - Ally @TragicAllyHere when people say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" I'm like k you don't know that, your spirit might have to haunt a spooky mansion. Throwing lamps around, roaming the long halls all night, showing up in darkened mirrors. No time to sleep when you got ghost duty hun. 9:05 PM · 2/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 13
    Product - Dunkaroos O Dunbaroos @Dunkaroos *Dunkaroos has entered the chat* luke @_Lukekelly · 4/24/18 Let's make this happen Show this thread all AT&T ? 16:28 @ * 30% D Betty Crocker O @BettyCrocker How many retweets to bring back dunkaroos? DUNKROOS 16:25 / 150,000 16:27 DUNKROOS Vanilla Froating & Rainbou Sprinkles 30 g cagal ar- NEW COOKIE! NOUVEAU BISCUIT! 7:36 AM · 2/3/20 · Twitter Web App
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  • 14
    Text - karanbir singh @karanbirtinna It's so cold out there today that even Pornhub has stopped saying "There are hot singles in your area" 7:42 PM · 2/3/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 15
    Text - Samantha D @ltsSamG It's cute that all these dudes are picking their preference between Shakira and JLo as if they wouldn't be lucky to even score a date with either of their hair dressers' twice divorced aunt 6:24 AM · 2/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 16
    Text - curse @creaturecurse Cant wait for the lowa caucus halftime show 3:47 PM · 2/3/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 17
    Text - Lexi Brown, PhD @lexilafleur My 2 yo daughter watched the Super Bowl halftime show. She's now a stripper and selling pictures of her feet online. She's supporting the entire family and we've never been more proud. 10:59 AM · 2/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 18
    Text - Not the Nanny @notthenanny We were at a couple's house for dinner and the host pulled out cheddar spread and said, "check this out. We love to use it in our eggs" and I said, "ooh, that sounds like fun" and then we all took a moment of silence to mourn our last shred of youth. 2:43 PM · 2/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 19
    Text - Wolfmann @wolfmannjr | grew up with wall to wall carpet in the bathroom so take your best shot coronavirus. I'm immune to any disease 3:34 AM · 1/29/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 20
    Text - Kieran @KieranMSimpson what's avril lavigne doing now? i really hope she's living out her life teaching pre-teens anatomy lessons in a sex ed class exclusively using sk8r boi lyrics 4:53 PM · 2/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 21
    Text - ditch pony @molly7anne "You catch the game?" asks the cashier. "Like herpes!" I say. She does not laugh. "Jesus Christ," the man behind me mutters. My card is declined. 8:01 AM · 2/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 22
    Text - Ally @TragicAllyHere Thate when people tweet making fun of lowa, I live here and making fun of lowa is MY thing. You can't just waltz in and hit the easy corn jokes, you gots to live the corn life to earn it 7:05 AM · 2/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 23
    Text - Eternal Samnation @portmanteauface GUY ABOUT TO INVENT COFFEE: what if cocaine was delicious 4:47 AM · 2/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 24
    Text - Honest Restaurant Manager @phileagle_ Manager: I hear there's a problem? Guest: Yes, our server is snarky, petty and honestly I think a little to comfortable working here, l've seen her touch at least 5 butts...like seductively. Manager: ha, ya there's a game. Guest: excuse me? Manager:I said that's insane. 7:46 AM · 2/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 25
    Text - " Woods Stephen @ysaw II I've worked professionally in software for 18 years and I can say with certainty that you should not use software for anything 9:11 PM · 2/3/20 · Twitter Web App
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  • 26
    Text - Talia Lavin O @chick_in_kiev the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
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  • 27
    Product - Wendy's O @Wendys Hey @McDonalds, roast us. 7:02 AM · 2/4/20 · Twitter Web App 2,526 Retweets 24.8K Likes UNO O @realUNOgame · 1h Replying to @Wendys and @McDonalds UNO We could never SKIP this. GIF 27124 4,424 Wendy's O @Wendys · 1h Draw 4 for 4
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  • 28
    Text - RIP Mamba Mambacita @Clark21.. · 1h Replying to @Wendys and @McDonalds Sorry Wendy's their roaster isnt working rn. ♡ 3,360 27 41 Wendy's O @VWendys 1h just like the ice cream machine, huh ♡ 9,978 27296 55
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  • 29
    Text - Crockett TM @CrockettForReal Hugs are great because it releases dopamine into the brain (a feel good chemical) and also boobs get pressed right up against you. On purpose. 8:06 AM · 2/4/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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