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We’ve created a parallel universe where people don’t have jobs so much as quests, and every quest is “catalyze something” with a tone that suggests a TED Talk fell into a blender with a startup incubator. An ecosystem where Operations Strategists strategize operations while operationalizing strategies. A framework where Culture Managers manage culture while culturally managing management.
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Here’s a fresh batch of people bravely describing their jobs as badly as possible, while I try not to screenshot another “Head of Delight” and scream into a succulent.
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People want enter. maybe no maybe yes
The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.
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These are people actually doing things, they're just describing their work like cavemen in therapy: Audio Engineers make loud thing quiet, Plumbers stop water from making house sad. you get the drill.
I trust that more than “Transformational Go-To-Market Sherpa,” because at least I know what a successful plumbing job looks like.
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I'm bored. Describe your job as poorly as possible
The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.
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And the paradox holds, the worse the description, the clearer the job. “I make numbers less scary” explains accounting better than any “strategic fiscal optimization narrative.” “I tell computers to behave” beats “Full-Stack Experience Innovator.” At this point, the honest version of my job is: “I feed the algorithm so it doesn’t eat me.”
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If you like piña colada, i'll make it for you
The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.
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Me do math, building stay
The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.
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