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Twenty-Two Fresh And Funny Tweets For Bored Eyes

  • 1
    Text - Angie Schmitt @schmangee The whole idea of remote kindergarten. It's just like... why are we pretending? My son will be attending Nintendo switch academy this fall and his mother will be trying her best not to drink before 5 pm
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  • 2
    Text - chris @chrisfolse small tangerines all my homies cuties 7:28 PM · 8/5/20 · Twitter Web App
  • 3
    Text - James @TugboatCaptainL If you don't save room for pie; I question all your life choices. 5:03 PM · 4/1/18 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 4
    Text - MehGyver @TheAndrewNadeau her: do u have any tattoos? me: yeah, a Japanese character her: what's it say? me: *rolling up sleeve* he can only say "pikachu" 9:31 AM · 8/6/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 5
    Text - Koala_Walla @ltsKoalaTeaTime My dad called me on his phone to let me know that his phone service was down just in case you were wondering what it will be like when your parents hit their 70s. 10:09 AM · 8/6/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 6
    Text - Smut Terry D @SmutTerry Fuck no. Want to see who you know on Twitter? Take a peek at your contacts. Get started 3:48 PM · 8/6/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 7
    Text - hуpe @TheHyyууре. 20h the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations 16 27564 6,909 hype @TheHyyyуре me: please don't my doctor: aight check it this cat thinks he gon best us all? he got high cholesterol/ so many different vds it caused the std test to stall 11:12 AM · 8/6/20 · Twitter Web App
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  • 8
    Text - Julia Gulia @JRobb773 It's Friday! Wear your new nail polish. Eat a cookie for breakfast. Leave early for your new assignment investigating a series of murders on a desolate space station where nothing is as it seems. 5:59 AM · 8/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 9
    Text - ADHDeanBLM @ADHDeanASL Blanche was billed as the vamp on the Golden Girls, but men were literally dying for sex with Rose 10:05 AM · 8/5/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 10
    Photo caption - Abby Schultz @abb_schultz my dad: "if you bring home any more animals im leaving I don't want them I don't even like cats" also my dad:
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  • 11
    Text - tatum @50FirstTates just watched someone cut pizza with scissors. i am appalled. they tried to tell me its a normal thing to do. no. this is not arts and crafts. u r not cutting snowflakes for ur 3rd grade xmas decorations. this is pizza. it's serious business start acting like it 7:42 AM · 8/6/20 · Twitter Web App
  • 12
    Text - 6'6 @woesly_ If you drive past horses and don't say "horses" you're a psychopath
  • 13
    Text - Dani Fernandez O @msdanifernandez i kno you dont want kids to miss a year of school cause they'll fall behind but we never missed a year and my classmates still grew up to fall for pyramid schemes 9:36 AM · 8/5/20 · Twitter for iPhone
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  • 14
    Text - Peaches, and I'm the best. @SeauxCocoa Americans be so proud of working themselves to the bone, right into an early grave. Meanwhile other countries take naps in the middle of the day. 4:35 AM · 8/5/20 · Twitter for Android
  • 15
    Text - Circle K @CircleKay Out of toilet paper so we're using receipt paper which will technically feel the same 7:46 AM · 8/6/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 16
    Text - Jude D @heyitsJudeD My recent transformation into a gilf is now complete* *grouchy insane lazy female 6:51 AM · 8/6/20 · Twitter for Android
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  • 17
    Electronics - Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking OROAM People do this? STOP LIGHT & FAN 1 LIGHT RUN OFF ON INDEPENDENT SERVICE OFF ON HOISTWAY ENABLE OFF To view elevator certificate, please see front desk. 3 10:57 AM · 8/6/20 · Twitter for Android
  • 18
    Text - Danni @dmills3288 When do men stop doing basketbal moves in the house? Like at what age does it stop? Bc if I get crossed up at ZAM on the way to the kitchen one more time.... 6:57 AM · 8/5/20 · Twitter for iPhone
  • 19
    Canidae - Aiiko ... @badmamii When you reach your destination but don't want to leave the car because the song is too good ayeeee @chasingclout4 - 5d Bomboclaat
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  • 20
    Text - Tara Millette @LazyGinger Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children's mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE 4:56 PM · 8/5/20 · Twitter for Android
  • 21
    Text - Sara Wren @sarawrencomedy Smoothie places be like: One small Kale Delight, okay.. Would you like to add matcha? Or an immune booster? Maybe wheatgrass? chia seeds? acai powder? ginger root? whey protein? eye of newt? tears of a virgin? dragon scales? 9:27 AM · 8/6/20 · Twitter for Android
  • 22
    Text - Ruth Gotian, EdD, MS @RuthGotian It happened. I received the reviews for a manuscript | submitted. I was told to read & cite the work of Ruth Gotian. lam Ruth Gotian. 5:57 AM · 8/6/20 · Twitter Web App

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