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This Week's Top Celebrity News: A Satirical Roundup (October 5, 2020)

  • THE TRUMPS TEST POSITIVE FOR COVID-19

    Suit

    Donald Trump tweeted on Friday that he and Melania tested positive for COVID-19 and that they will get through this together, no matter how much Melania wishes they quarantine apart. **Update: Donald is now quarantining in a hospital at the request of Melania. "Just so he's safe", she said.

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  • GIGI HADID IS A NEW MOM

    Face

    Gigi Hadid is already an amazing mom two weeks after giving birth. Her friends and family are impressed by how gracefully she tells the nanny how to raise her baby girl.

  • JUSTIN HARTLEY HAS A NEW GF

    Hair

    Chrishell Stause says it's painful to watch her ex-husband Justin Hartley move on with someone else. She keeps getting scratches on her arms and legs when she hides in the bushes to spy on their dates.

  • STORMI JENNER HAS A $12,000 HERMES BACKPACK

    Land vehicle

    Kylie Jenner shared a picture of her daughter, Stormi, on her first day of school with a pink $12,000 Hermes backpack. She, however, refused to post the pic of herself crying her eyes out when she saw what the luxury backpack looked like when Stormi brought it back from school.

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  • GWEN STEFANI TURNED 51

    Guitar

    It was Gwen Stefani's 51st birthday and her longtime boyfriend Blake Shelton marked the occasion with a sweet Instagram post: "Happy birthday @gwenstefani, I'd write a song for you every single day if I could…". Now, that's a man who understands what a grown woman wants for her birthday.

  • HARRY AND MEGHAN HAVE ANOTHER BIOGRAPHY

    Arm

    Another biography is claiming to uncover more about the crazy time leading up to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's royal departure. For heaven's sake, how many more books do I need to read about this dumb drama…. before I can consider myself an expert on this matter and make a buck writing a book of my own?

  • SHAWN MENDES AND CAMILA CABELLO COME CLEAN ABOUT THEIR DISHEVELMENT

    Photograph

    Shawn Mendes finally explained why he and Camila Cabello were walking like Zombies this spring. "It was the beginning of the quarantine… we had been inside the house for days, and we caught my parents 'aggressively cuddling in bed'."

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