Eight Ways To Honor The Memory Of The House Plant You Overwatered

  • Donate to a houseplant charity

    If a charity doesn't already exist, start one in Audrey 9's name! The charity can give funds to grieving houseplant owners for things like comfort food and buying a ficus next time.

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  • Take up painting

    Audrey 9 was so creative! Sometimes you'd look at her and you'd just SWEAR she had some big ideas in that completely immobile and silent stalk of hers. And anyway, you kind of did buy her to avoid finding a real hobby (like, "cactus" counts as an interest, right?)--maybe it's time to do what she never could and find your creative side.

  • Consider going plastic

    Briefly consider switching to fake plants. Decide that's too far to fall even for you.

  • Drink too much water to understand her pain

    Yes...she drowned from your overcare. So try drinking copious amounts of water to feel what she felt--that way, you'll really never make another plant feel that way again. Plus, you're a HUMAN, and people can't have too much water...right…?

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  • Drink exactly the right amount of water

    Self-care is very important, and Audrey 9 would have wanted you to take care of yourself. Maybe the best way to live is the way she wished she could: not soaking up way more water than her roots could handle.

  • Start a support group

    What with everything going on these days, there's no way you're the only one with a slightly unhealthy relationship to your houseplant. Try starting a group for mourning owners of dead cacti and such! You can all go around and talk about your houseplants' hopes and dreams, and everything they did for you. This sounds extremely healing and definitely better than a hobby.

  • Actually make some human friends

    I mean...humans do take care of themselves. They can tell you with their words when you've poured too much water on them. They won't abruptly die on you, and even if they do, it probably won't be your fault! Yes, people sound like great company! But...hmmm, what if they don't like you? What if they use their words to say something mean to you?? Okay, no, never're sticking to plants. Much safer.

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  • Bury her with the others

    Audrey 9 will get a proper burial, out in the graveyard that houses Audreys 3-8. She'll finally be at peace, you hope. It's not much, but it's all you can do for her now. You were a great plant, Audrey 9, and a great friend. You will be sorely missed.


About the Author

Ruth F. is an academic and a millennial in every sense of the word. When she isn't toppling industries, she can be found drinking coffee, skating, or giving relationship advice to anyone who even hints at needing it.

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