Eight Ways To Honor The Memory Of The House Plant You Overwatered

So, you've overwatered yet another houseplant and now it's drowning and there's no saving it. Why do you keep buying succulents? They don't need or appreciate nearly as much care as you give them! Next time you'll get, like, a ficus or something. Something that WANTS your constant attention. But in the meantime, Audrey 9 (the recently deceased--it was funny when you named the first one Audrey 3 but now it's getting out of hand), really does deserve a proper send-off. You're starting to think that maybe parenting plants isn't exactly for you. Nonetheless, she was a loyal and noble houseplant, while she lived, so here are some ways to honor her.

Posted by armchaircomedian

Donate to a houseplant charity

If a charity doesn't already exist, start one in Audrey 9's name! The charity can give funds to grieving houseplant owners for things like comfort food and buying a ficus next time.

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Take up painting

Audrey 9 was so creative! Sometimes you'd look at her and you'd just SWEAR she had some big ideas in that completely immobile and silent stalk of hers. And anyway, you kind of did buy her to avoid finding a real hobby (like, "cactus" counts as an interest, right?)--maybe it's time to do what she never could and find your creative side.

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Consider going plastic

Briefly consider switching to fake plants. Decide that's too far to fall even for you.

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Drink too much water to understand her pain

Yes...she drowned from your overcare. So try drinking copious amounts of water to feel what she felt--that way, you'll really never make another plant feel that way again. Plus, you're a HUMAN, and people can't have too much water...right…?

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Drink exactly the right amount of water

Self-care is very important, and Audrey 9 would have wanted you to take care of yourself. Maybe the best way to live is the way she wished she could: not soaking up way more water than her roots could handle.

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Start a support group

What with everything going on these days, there's no way you're the only one with a slightly unhealthy relationship to your houseplant. Try starting a group for mourning owners of dead cacti and such! You can all go around and talk about your houseplants' hopes and dreams, and everything they did for you. This sounds extremely healing and definitely better than a hobby.

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Actually make some human friends

I mean...humans do take care of themselves. They can tell you with their words when you've poured too much water on them. They won't abruptly die on you, and even if they do, it probably won't be your fault! Yes, people sound like great company! But...hmmm, what if they don't like you? What if they use their words to say something mean to you?? Okay, no, never mind...you're sticking to plants. Much safer.

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Bury her with the others

Audrey 9 will get a proper burial, out in the graveyard that houses Audreys 3-8. She'll finally be at peace, you hope. It's not much, but it's all you can do for her now. You were a great plant, Audrey 9, and a great friend. You will be sorely missed.

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