Couple Begs Vitamix For Empty Boxes After Cats Take New Blender (and Box) Hostage

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    Font - Jessica Gerson-Neeves ... Vitamix 2h · O Dear Vitamix, I feel like I should preface this by telling you that what follows is probably going to be the weirdest contact you've ever received, and it's definitely the weirdest contact I've ever sent. 1 apologize in advance for literally everything I'm about to tell you. My name is Jessica Gerson-Neeves, and my wife Nikii Gerson-Neeves and I have coveted a Vitamix for several years now, as I have a chronic disease that makes fiber very difficul
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    Font - We are the devoted servants of a trio of cats who go by the names of Max; George, Destroyer of Worlds; and Lando Calrissian. Mere seconds after setting down the Vitamix box, in the moments before we would've opened it and happily put our exciting new blender to use, Max (also known as the sentient soccer ball) spotted the box and, assuming it was for him, hopped right up on top. And that was the beginning of the end. That moment was two and a half weeks ago, and since then, the Vitamix bo
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    Font - Long before we realized what this would turn into, I snapped a picture of Max atop the Vitamix that first day and posted it to a cat group on Facebook that goes by the name of THIS CAT IS CHONKY. The group boasts nearly a million members, and the post immediately took off. Since then, I have been faithfully documenting the whole sordid saga each day with photographs and accompanying prose. I am attaching to this email a curated selection of these posts and the pictures that accompany them
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    Font - We write to you because it has become clear at this point that without herculean intervention, we're never going to get to use the new blender we've been longing for for years. Despite what many people have suggested, we aren't writing to request additional Vitamixes-that would be ridiculous, and while we're definitely ridiculous, we're not quite that ridiculous. No, we're writing with a stranger but far less expensive request. Is there-I cannot believe I am honestly asking this -any poss
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    Font - In case you are wondering, yes, I am ashamed of both writing and posting this letter. I both dread and look forward to hearing your response, and encourage you (as l'm sure you are finding yourself with the urge to do so) to spread it to your colleagues as widely as you would like in order to laugh at the absolutely bonkers middle-aged lesbians who are losing a stand-off with their cats. Yes, we are a stereotype. If by some miracle you are actually willing to fulfill the weirdest request
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    Cat - Jessica Gerson-Neeves » THIS CAT Is CHONKY December 16, 2021 at 3:12 pm · e ... BREAKING NEWS: Sentient soccer ball excited about the possibilities the new Vitamix affords. Middle aged lesbians who bought the thing would very much appreciate being given access to it, but are giant suckers who are unwilling to relocate him. Stand-off is entering its second hour. Details to follow on this rapidly updating story. Vitammd 5
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    Cat - Jessica Gerson-Neeves » THIS CAT IS CHONKY December 17, 2021 at 1:57 pm e ... STAND-OFF: DAY TWO. The situation continues to deteriorate, as the questionably sentient dust bunny called in as hostage negotiator convinces sentient soccer ball to decamp, only to reveal that it was a bait and switch. Sentient potato negotiator intern proved to be no help at all. Middle aged lesbians, when asked for a quote, sat down in the middle of the floor and said "God dammit, you guys." [ETA, by popular d
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    Property - Jessica Gerson-Neeves » THIS CAT IS CHONKY December 18, 2021 at 1:44 pm e ... STAND-OFF: DAY 3 After a brief, pitched battle for dominance that was over too quickly for photographic evidence to be recorded, the sentient potato (we are informed that he has lost his negotiator internship) has displaced the questionably sentient dust bunny and taken control of the Vitamix, quickly settling into a posture known widely as "I wish a would." Middle aged lesbians were too busy crying on the l
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    Cat - Jessica Gerson-Neeves » THIS CAT ISCHONKY December 19, 2021 at 1:19 pm e STANDOFF: DAY (are you KIDDING me) 4 The situation has come full-circle as the sentient soccer ball took advantage of a moment of distraction by the sentient potato and reclaimed the Vitamix, immediately adopting a posture suggesting that he came here to eat treats and slap any lesbians who try to come for the Vitamix, and he's all out of treats. One of the middle-aged lesbians appears to have locked herself in the ba
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    Cat - Jessica Gerson-Neeves » THIS CAT IS C HONKY December 24, 2021 at 9:20 pm -e STAND-OFF: WEEK 2, DAY 2 While tonight is Christmas Eve in many homes across the world, we return to our stand-off in a household that seems poised to remain perpetually stuck at Vitamix O'Clock. The sentient soccer ball appears to be on break presently, or perhaps merely stepping away for a moment to allow the questionably sentient dust bunny to pose for his new tinder photo: pensive, artsy, and inaccurately repre
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    We love a happy ending.

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