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It’s Not You, It’s Me
Can we start with the classic of all classics, please? "It's Not You, It's Me" seems to hit the nail on the head every time. It's the pinnacle of every cliché—be it movie, tv show, book, pop song—that it really seems to question us as a society. So much so, that if I was to ever hear this line being used on me, I would need to check to make sure I was awake. Or at the very least, not trapped in some alternate reality where corny one-liners aren't allowed to be uttered without repercussions.
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Can’t Talk Now—I’m With Friends
The "I'm hanging with my friends" text is valid. Even a cool excuse if it happens here and there, because it confirms that he's social, goes out, and lives a vibrant life. But too often? This means he's lost maybe 80% of interest in you and likely keeping you around as a 'just-in-case' sorta girl. Just in case he gets bored. Just in case he needs a favor someday.
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I Accidentally Left Something at Your Place
Um, no you didn't. You purposefully put your puka shell necklace on one side of the room and your wristwatch on the other side for the purpose of having an excuse to come back. Yes, yes, girls are guilty of this too, but it's worth a mention.
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I Go to the Gym Every Day
You probably go often enough, but if I were to check your iCalendar right now, I'd see the time slots where you should be pumping iron, are being spent playing X-Box. Or is it Playstation? I always forget which wastes more time. But sure, Tyler, let's go ahead and pretend you go to the gym every day.
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I’m Still Finding Myself
This goes out to all the lost boys that chilled in the Himalayan Mountains for a portion of their 20s. Their youth was filled with light, and promise, and the devil's lettuce. Upon facing reality and all the responsibilities that comes with it, cold feet tends to take higher precedence. Suddenly, somehow seeing a future with you is nearly impossible. Because his soul is just hungry for more. Or maybe it's just the munchies.
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I Needed to Move Back Home Because…
Because…my mom is lonely without me. Because…the golden property I want to buy from isn't finished with construction yet. Moving back in with family during these trying times shouldn't come with shame, but lying about the reason should. It's perfectly understandable that moving back home saves you money, provides home-cooked meals, familiarity and comfort. Though it shouldn't exceed through one's mid-30s. We draw the line there.
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I Got This Bruise
Fighting someone much bigger than me—and winning! I got this bruise while tossing a monster truck tire at Cross-fit. Oh, this manly scar? I earned it.
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As Soon As I Get Home, I’ll Text You
Another lie that bares a little forgiveness as well. He's going to be tired, forgetful, his phone may die. My biggest piece of advice to you is to never wait around for him to text you. He will if he will. And you can consider it a delightful happenstance if/when it does.
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You’re Better Than All the Other Girls
Is a thing he's told to literally all the other girls.
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