Selfish Father Spends Daughter's Tuition Money on a New Kitchen

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    Font - AITA for spending my daughter's tuition money? Our daughter is 20F and she recently decided to go back to college after taking a year off. She dropped out of college a few months saying it wasn't for her. We adamantly advised against it but she ended up moving in with her boyfriend and started working in his family's restaurant business. There was still a little north of 30k set aside in the account I set aside for her tuition money. My wife and I had been wanting to remodel our kitchen f
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    Font - She was shocked that we had used her college money towards the house even though we had this conversation before she left. She asked if she could have access to her college tuition account before she moved in with her boyfriend to which we explicitly said no and said that was saved for her tuition only and nothing else and that if she left we'd use it for something else. She said she thought we were bluffing and didn't actually mean it and that we need to help her pay for college since we
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    Font - She's been angry over this and ignoring her mother's phone calls. Her mother has said maybe we can still help her out financially but we're nearing our retirement age and a little behind our retirement goals so I don't want to take away from our savings just because my daughter made some bad choices. I feel like I have given her good alternatives and even offered to let her stay at our house free of rent so she can just focus on paying for college. AITA?
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    Font - tofu_deluxe 13 hr. ago 354 hole Enthusiast [5] This situation is harsh on your daughter, but NTA. She made a decision to drop out, and with that came you telling her that you'd use the remaining college fund money for something else. I also presume that at the time of her dropping out, she presented her decision as permanent since she said that college wasn't for her, meaning that you don't know how long she would've taken to go back to college if she went back at all. 'But I thought you
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    Font - MudLOA 10 hr. ago edited 10 hr. ago 2 She try to around and she found out. I mean as a parent myself this is a painful thing to say. But NTA OP. 4.5k Reply Share
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    Font - Automatic Fruit_1447 9 hr. ago. edited 7 hr. ago & 7 More OP said in a comment below "Having just gotten my youngest into college, I'm no longer in the parenting mood lol." As a parent, I am getting odd vibes from the tone and how quickly OP moved to disappear money into a kitchen when apparently they're behind on retirement. Can they? Sure, but as a parent, it's weird to jump to that so fast. Did OP ever investigate whether the boyfriend was abusive in any way, whether he stirred things
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    Font - Actions should have consequences, and I personally don't think parents owe their kids a college education. But it's weird to me to put a ton of work into spending years saving five figures to give your kid a leg up in life, and then decide you're done when they make very predictably poor decisions at 19/20. There are lots of ways to re-teach responsibility - like only matching any scholarship funds they earn on their own, or only reinstating partial support after X semesters completed. I
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    Font - ETA, to clarify: No I am not asserting she was abused or saying that's the only explanation. I am asking if OP is actually as checked out as they lol'd about being. Do they know why the daughter stopped going? Did they keep an eye out for danger signs? Did they create a parent-child relationship where their daughter could go to them with hard things? I have seen first and secondhand some scary situations that college students get into, ranging from run of the mill short-sightedness to thi
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    Font - Parenting is more than deciding whether to bankroll or not. A parent can let their kid suffer the consequences out, sure. But if the kid was of deciding to drop struggling, and the parent didn't create a feeling of safety growing up, didn't check in regularly, has no idea what's really happening in their kid's life, I'm not going to accept their framing of the situation as the fairness of a financial choice. INFO needed. 3.0k Reply Share
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    Font - oaktreegardener 8 hr. ago Part pant [4] Yes, I agree. If I were in OP's place, and if I wanted my daughter to reconsider her life choices, I'd keep that money set aside for at least a few more years - only for school - and try to encourage her to go back. And I would be more worried about her being in a potentially bad relationship, rather than just saying, "eh, fine, whatever, we're keeping the money now." 1.5k Reply Share
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    Font - NinjaPlato 7 hr. ago And even failing that, she could've had it for a house/apartment deposit or something? Get your kid on the property ladder maybe? I mean, save SOME of it for her because at the end of the day, you saved it to help her! YTA op. Especially for the "not in the parenting mood" - just because your kids don't live with you, doesn't mean you can stop parenting. 746 Reply Share
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    Font - Dashcamkitty 5 hr. ago hole Enthusiast [8] I'm usually harsh but I agree with this. She made a very stupid mistake going off with this boyfriend but, if I were her parent, I'd have kept that money for a couple of years in case she came to her senses. Not just spent it on a new kitchen a few months later. 446 Reply Share
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    Font - autotelica 3 hr. ago Partsipant [2] 20-year-olds are notorious for making very stupid mistakes. But good parents try not to compound these mistakes by withholding help for questionable reasons. 261 Reply Share
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    Font - Legal-Ad7793.5 hr. ago I tell my kids college, trade school, or a house. That's what they can use their savings (that I'm paying into) for. I totally agree that they were very quick to use the money elsewhere and assure that their daughter would be out of luck. 243 Reply Share
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    Font - Happytallperson 8 hr. ago hole Aficionado [13] Indeed. This is why I say YTA. This sub is 'Am I the hole' not 'Was I technically within my rights when I was a to someone'. Most of the responses are answering the latter question. Reply Share 911

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