Fresh Tweets From the Funny Brains of Twitter (December 9, 2022)

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    Font - Qadi @BigQadi The Receptionist at the dentist office will look u dead in the eye and ask if ur available 4 months and 13 days. from now 12:52 AM 12/5/22 Twitter for iPhone 12.7K Retweets 1,090 Quote Tweets 118K Likes
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    Smile - Chris Martin (not in coldplay) @ChrisMcomedy I think he looks like a face mask you wear to rob a bank 4:01 PM 12/4/22 · Twitter Web App ...
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    Font - Milles Anna Mazzola @Anna_Mazz A friend told me an amazing story over the weekend of how she'd been with a group of mostly young people, discussing the most famous person they'd shagged. When they got to the very end of the table, a woman in her 70s looked up and said quietly: 'Elvis'. 4:29 AM 12/5/22 Twitter for iPhone 980 Retweets 113 Quote Tweets 33K Likes
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    Smile - Joshua Tsui @JoshYTsui If you haven't seen this yet, great Christmas movie for the whole family Tom Cruise SVARTIR LOCAR Nicole Kidman Guess who's not invited to the Christmas party. EYES WIDE SHUT A Stanley Kubrick film ...
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  • 05
    Forehead - Miles @mtvsthewrld_ It's going to happen. None of us want it, but we need to prepare ourselves. ET 8:33 PM 12/5/22 Twitter for iPhone ... 4,507 Retweets 2,411 Quote Tweets
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    Vehicle - awesome xbox facts @xbox_awesome always some shit goin on at waffle house WAFFLE HOUSE CICLE 10-GO ORDERS AVAILABLE OF FOOD 2000002 5:53 PM 11/25/22 Twitter for iPad DENT 272 Retweets 24 Quote Tweets 1,486 Likes
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    Font - C @bloomfilters i still dont quite understand how lin manuel miranda looked at alexander hamilton a federalist conservative mostly known for a finance policy legacy and was like "wow he is literally me" like what was the thought process there 6:32 PM 12/6/22 Twitter for Android . 3,298 Retweets 351 Quote Tweets 61.5K Likes
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    Font - RASHAD/BABYSHAD @BabyxShad Bootsy Collins said he was so high off LSD once, his bass guitar turned into a snake while he was playing it on stage, he threw it & ran off stage. Then James Brown fired him. 1:58 AM 12/7/22 Twitter for iPhone 1,226 Retweets 289 Quote Tweets 9,426 Likes
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    Font - Giancarlo Volpe @Giancarlo Volpe In 2004 we learned that we had to change the name of our show from "Avatar" to "Avatar the Last Airbender" because James Cameron already had the rights to a movie called Avatar. Now the sequel is called "The Way of Water." If part 3 is called "The Firebending Masters" we riot 2:28 PM 12/4/22 Twitter for iPhone . ... 18.1K Retweets 656 Quote Tweets 187K Likes
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    Font - Carly Maris, PhD @vintagehistoria Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise 12:10 PM 12/2/22 Twitter for iPhone 4,795 Retweets 210 Quote Tweets 48.4K Likes
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    Font - soul nate @MNateShyamalan me: you don't like any of my gifts her: no! the five golden rings were nice. it's just- me: too many birds? her: really bird heavy this year 10:41 AM 12/4/22 Twitter for iPhone . 1,985 Retweets 20 Quote Tweets 24.1K Likes
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    Horse - Kevin Finnerty @timeimmemorial_ You've heard elf on the shelf. Now get ready for
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    Font - Hurt CoPain @Saeed DiCaprio this was my girlboss moment Hurt CoPain @SaeedDiCaprio 11/13/22 "I know palestinians lost their homes and land but they should shut up because I paid money for tuition" At least the girl knows what she's talking about when it comes to the Israel vs Palestine conflict so STFU Studied the history of Israel for half of my life, paid 6000$ for my BA in International Relations, paying 13.000$ for my MA in Diplomacy for @mohammed.your.sweet prince to text me free Pal
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  • 14
    Font - Bask @baskgod Going in a girl crib and she got a book shelf instead of the live love laugh decorations you gone have to roll ya sleeves up 3:19 AM 12/3/22 Twitter for iPhone 4,953 Retweets 1,846 Quote Tweets 41.5K Likes
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    Font - Alice, the Yuletide Gay @AllyScottAuthor Kid in the bookshop today: "this dragon looks like a fish, it's a fish dragon, A FAGGIN!!!" Every adult in the vicinity of the register "hey kiddo why don't we call that a Dish" 12:30 PM 12/3/22 Twitter for iPhone 3,028 Retweets 145 Quote Tweets 70.7K Likes
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    Font - Sophie Vershbow @svershbow Why does everyone at The White Lotus eat at the hotel every night? YOU'RE IN ITALY!!!!! 9:10 PM 12/4/22 Twitter Web App 1,832 Retweets 373 Quote Tweets 51K Likes
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    Font - The Artist Formerly Known As Irish T... @gotitatguineys Things I didn't think I'd find out by being a podcast producer: 1. World War 2 happened in the Thomas the Tank Engine universe 2. The diesel trains sided with Hitler and the Axis 6:04 AM 12/2/22 Twitter for iPhone 1,128 Retweets 90 Quote Tweets 21.4K Likes
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    Font - Carlie St. George @MyGeekBlasphemy Oh my God. OH MY GOD. I have found The Book. You know, the one that you read when you were 13 and barely remember anything about but then spent, like, 20 years on a holy quest to find said Book, just to prove that it actually exists? IT EXISTS. 8:34 PM 12/1/22 Twitter Web App 1,276 Retweets 763 Quote Tweets 30.2K Likes
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    Sports uniform - TPS @TotalProSports Should be a killer game tonight HERNANDEZ LEWIS 52 01 SIMPSON 32 9:35 PM 12/1/22 Twitter for iPhone 1,752 Retweets 148 Quote Tweets 22.6K Likes
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    Font - Kate Havard Rozansky @KateHavard Just found out husband has been getting toddler to listen to Tom Waits by telling him it's the Cookie Monster 6:35 PM 12/5/22 Twitter Web App 2,657 Retweets 360 Quote Tweets 25.2K Likes
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    Comfort - Attah Akor @attah_akor The cleaners of the Qatar stadia hearing japan is out of the world cup: 12:51 PM 12/5/22 Twitter for Android 8,811 Retweets 845 Quote Tweets 38.7K Likes
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    Font - pudding person @JUNIPER i have never heard of elf on the shelf in my entire life until 3 years ago, where the hell did it come from. this is no tradition, this is a psyop 8:47 PM 12/5/22 Twitter for iPhone 532 Retweets 47 Quote Tweets 11.8K Likes ....
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    Font - yasmin @ycsm1n was it ever explained why the main character in squid games dyed his hair ronald mcdonald red at the end 7:16 PM 12/5/22 Twitter for iPhone . 1,213 Retweets 197 Quote Tweets 26.7K Likes
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    Font - Corn * @upblissed tf MrBeast planning in his new video MrBeast @MrBeast If someone offered you $10,000 but if you take it a random person on earth dies, would you take the $10,000? Yes No 515,817 votes 21 hours 30 minutes left 9:50 AM 12/6/22 Twitter for iPhone 1,213 Retweets 1,729 Quote Tweets 23K Likes 12:26 PM 12/6/22 Twitter for iPhone 2,278 Retweets 250 Quote Tweets 60.5K Likes
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    Font - jame @kloogans why do we keep using the same human names over and over. i want to meet a guy named The Wheelbarrow or Impact Wrench 9:49 PM 12/5/22 Twitter Web App ... 1,287 Retweets 101 Quote Tweets 13.3K Likes
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    Font - BO MANTA CL @LawtonCS14 At a funeral today. The speaker mentioned which football team the deceased supported, and someone booed 1:40 PM 12/5/22 Twitter for iPhone 7,680 Retweets 1,888 Quote Tweets 116K Likes ...
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    Font - NicholasG @Dad_At_Law Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: "Hi, you've reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text." This generation gets it. 8:07 AM 12/6/22 Twitter for iPhone ... 4,059 Retweets 180 Quote Tweets 56.3K Likes
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    Font - LeSubstack Triller Moth @legotrillermoth you just KNOW the writers room for The Boys has been watching Kanye the last few months preparing to write A-Train the worst arc in TV history next season 1:21 AM 12/4/22 Twitter for iPhone . 6,554 Retweets 352 Quote Tweets 91.5K Likes
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  • 29
    Tie - Sweet V @iamMandyV How much does it cost for Santa to park his sleigh??? NOTHING. It's on the house 3:37 PM 12/5/22 Twitter for iPhone . 9,745 Retweets 796 Quote Tweets 49.6K Likes
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    Font - malice ghoulpus @alicegoldfuss Dear artists: in the war against Al theft you have fought valiantly...but the time has come to invoke an old foe, one whose dark magic has been cultivated for a century Feed it Disney art 1:53 PM 12/6/22 Twitter Web App 9,562 Retweets 289 Quote Tweets 66.7K Likes
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    Font - Matt Margolis @ItsMattsLaw Cover letter? Here's my resume twice. 5:29 PM 12/5/22 Twitter for iPhone . .. 1,491 Retweets 107 Quote Tweets 18.6K Likes
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    Font - mount bellyache @mountbellyache tame impala isn't a band, he's a . draculaura @souljalaura - 1d grown ass man named kevin 6:28 AM 12/2/22 Twitter Web App 2,406 Retweets 23 Quote Tweets 24.1K Likes
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    Font - Kemi Marie @kemimarie we all have that one 2019 ex 1:56 AM 12/6/22 Twitter for iPhone . ... 7,361 Retweets 5,483 Quote Tweets 79.8K Likes
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    Font - jame @kloogans medieval dick must've smelled like old bologna idk how people made it through that 9:48 AM 12/6/22 Twitter Web App ... 325 Retweets 42 Quote Tweets 4,142 Likes
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    Property - yasmin @ycsmin the nuclear family DAD GRANDMA . MOM MACHETE 4:40 PM 12/6/22 Twitter for iPhone 7,110 Retweets 238 Quote Tweets 56K Likes

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