'No hiding coffee in the furniture': Bumbling roommate requires 'unique house rules' due to his silly mistakes

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Remy Millisky • Writer and Editor
May 19, 2023 11:00 AM EDT

This roommate is one of those people who need to be supervised because they've just never learned basic life skills. You may take for granted that someone taught you how to cook — it seems no one informed this "Kevin" roommate of the dangers that can bring. 

This person shared three hilarious stories of rules they implemented due to Kevin's really specific habits. Roommates like this can be lots of fun to hang out with (it seems that Kevin was a nice guy overall) but they just seem to need extra help with basic activities. No one told Kevin the proper way to clean the floor, making it a major hazard to roommates and any visitors. 

This person, u/ArcadiaRhodes, shared the tale to r/StoriesAboutKevin, a sub all about goofy guys. In the comments, people shared their own funny roommate stories. A few people have had the slippery floor experience themselves, so clearly Kevin isn't alone in finding things out the hard way. 

Next, this couple had to deal with a Karen during their bus trip. 

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  • 01
    Food - 'I ended up having to establish some unique house rules because of him.'
    via Rayia Soderberg on Unsplash
  • 02
    Font - r/Stories About Kevin Posted by u/ArcadiaRhodes 32 House Rules When Your Roommate Is A Kevin. XL Back in the 90's I lived with a Kevin. He was a great guy, but I ended up having to establish some unique house rules because of him.
    via u/ArcadiaRhodes
  • 03
    Font - NO BAKING CITRUS FRUIT: One day I came home and could smell something burning. I looked at the oven and it was set to 450F. I looked inside. In the oven was a cookie sheet. On this cookie sheet were several whole lemons and limes that had swollen to the size of grapefruits.
    via u/ArcadiaRhodes
  • 04
    Font - I called to Kevin, who was lounging on the sofa, and asked in confusion, "Why is there citrus fruit in the oven?" This was the response: "I was watching Martha Stewart make potpourri and I decided that I wanted to make it."
    via u/ArcadiaRhodes
  • 05
    Font - Now, Martha had apparently sliced up the fruit, laid it out on the cookie sheet and put it in the oven at the lowest temp to slowly dry out. Kevin had attempted this, grown impatient and raised the temperature. The resultant caramelized, burned discs ended up discarded. For attempt number two, he had placed them in the oven whole. Had I not interfered, his plan had been to slice them up once they were hot.
    via u/ArcadiaRhodes
  • 06
    Font - When I explained that the process was meant to dry the fruit, not cook it, he removed them from the oven in defeat. The fruit had swollen as the juices inside heated up. I watched as Kevin proceeded to spear the fruit with a fork, spraying searing hot acid all over himself.
    via u/ArcadiaRhodes
  • 07
    Font - NO PLEDGING THE FLOOR: I arrived home starving and proceeded to prepare a snack of cheese and crackers on a plate. I proceeded to attempt to carry this plate into the living room. Attempt. We lived in an apartment with parquet floors. We had no area rugs. I am not, by nature, a clumsy person, so imagine my surprise when I completely wiped out between the sofa and coffee table.
    via u/ArcadiaRhodes
  • 08
    Font - When I explained that the process was meant to dry the fruit, not cook it, he removed them from the oven in defeat. The fruit had swollen as the juices inside heated up. I watched as Kevin proceeded to spear the fruit with a fork, spraying searing hot acid all over himself.
    via u/ArcadiaRhodes
  • 09
    Font - NO PLEDGING THE FLOOR: I arrived home starving and proceeded to prepare a snack of cheese and crackers on a plate. I proceeded to attempt to carry this plate into the living room. Attempt. We lived in an apartment with parquet floors. We had no area rugs. I am not, by nature, a clumsy person, so imagine my surprise when I completely wiped out between the sofa and coffee table.
    via u/ArcadiaRhodes
  • 10
    Font - While I was lying there, covered in broken crackers, I couldn't 't help but notice the distinct smell of lemon furniture polish. This was odd, because there was no wood furniture in the room. Kevin arrived home a while later and I was compelled to ask, "Um... Did you pledge the floor?" He grinned and informed me that since it makes furniture so shiny, it would be perfect for the wood floor.
    via u/ArcadiaRhodes
  • 11
    Font - NO HIDING COFFEE IN THE FURNITURE: Never, in the entire time we lived together, did I ever see Kevin consume coffee that didn't come in a paper cup. We didn't own a coffee maker of any kind. Because of this, I found it odd when I could smell rancid coffee in the living room. I looked around for an abandoned cup but couldn't find anything. Finally the mystery of the smell got too much and I decided go hunting.
    via u/ArcadiaRhodes
  • 12
    Font - There was an empty ceramic vase on the coffee table, and for some inexplicable reason, It was full of whole coffee beans. I took it to the kitchen and then went back to my TV show.
    via u/ArcadiaRhodes
  • 13
    Font - Why can I still smell coffee? I start examining the sofa. All along the piped edge of the back cushions, I found a row of individual beans. I confronted him later that evening. He told me that he found old beans in the back of the fridge and thought they'd smell good. He also said that he'd debated putting them in the VENTS but couldn't find a way to make them stay.
    via u/ArcadiaRhodes
  • 14
    Font - SoupmanBob That old coffee bean story reminds me of the time I made cocoa in a thermos, and after finishing it just discarded the thermos in my closet... I didn't clean it mind you... Fast forward half a year later and I find it... I give it a open and immediately gag from the smell. I might be a bit of a Kevin myself.
    via u/SoupmanBob
  • 15
    Font - ArcadiaRhodes OP. I had a highschool friend who left a thermos of milk in her book bag all summer. She named it the 'milk experiment'.
    via u/ArcadiaRhodes
  • 16
    Font - Vievin I have a story related to your second one. So when I wash my hair, I use a hair spray afterwards to make the second brushing (I have super curly, super stubborn hair) and subsequent braiding easier. I'm super generous with it because I want to make my life easier, so a ton of spray ends up in the air and then on the floor.
    via u/Vievin
  • 17
    Font - Once I didn't have time to do this in the bathroom roommates, so I just sprayed, brushed, and braided my hair in the room, beside my bed. Later, I needed because of my something from above the bed, got it, jumped to the floor... and immediately fell, banging my head on my table. Turns out the hair spray makes everything it comes into contact with slippery as h It's the equivalent of a Grease spell and I did not make the save.
    via u/Vievin
  • 18
    Font - StayPuffGoomba I had a roommate(who is absolutely NOT a Kevin) who was very fastidious with his cleaning. There was one cleaner he would use that would sometimes splash on to the kitchen floor and act a lot like the pledge did. Took me a while to figure out what was going on, but walking into the kitchen in socks was dangerous for a while.
    via u/StayPuffGoomba
  • 19
    Font - fictionrules I once pledged the floor, I couldn't find a mop and was told to mop. It was fun watching my dogs run in place
    via u/fictionrules

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rules wtf roommate coffee roommates funny kevin
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