38 'Dad Joke' Tweets for Husbands and Wives Who Love to Laugh

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  • 01
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife told me I've grown as a person. Her actual word were "you've gotten fat", but I know what she meant. :
  • 02
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife's leaving me because she thinks I'm obsessed with astronomy. What planet is she on?
  • 03
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes ... My wife just yelled at me, "You jerk, you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!?!" What a strange way to start a conversation.
  • 04
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said: "Earth." That meant the world to me.
  • 05
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes "Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing," I said to my wife. She said, "Wear your own then."
  • 06
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
  • 07
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude to me She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back
  • 08
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes I tried to re-marry my ex-wife... But she figured out I was only after my money. ...
  • 09
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes I played our wedding video backward yesterday. It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife's finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends.
  • 10
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes When we make pizza at home it's my wife's job to shred the cheese. She's the gratist!
  • 11
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife took off her shirt and bra during an argument where I was winning. It was a booby trap.
  • 12
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes Why did God create Adam before Eve? He didn't want any advice on how to do it.
  • 13
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it. : I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
  • 14
    Gesture - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
  • 15
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?" I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you." ...
  • 16
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes Why do horses have low divorce rates? They have stable relationships.
  • 17
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes I asked an old man I know, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?" Old man: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her".
  • 18
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife threatened to leave me because of my "filthy and disgusting habits". I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.
  • 19
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes I told my Wife I was building a model of Mount Everest, she asked, "Is it to scale?" I replied, "No, it's to look at." :
  • 20
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes Me: "Have you heard of Murphy's law?" Wife: "Yeah.” Me: "What is it?" Wife: "If something can go wrong, it will go wrong." Me: "Have you heard of Cole's law?" Wife: "No, what is it?" Me: "Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo." :
  • 21
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes ... I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
  • 22
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns. It was a play on words.
  • 23
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American. I saw it coming from a kilometre away.
  • 24
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My girlfriend poked my in the eyes. So I stopped seeing her for a while.
  • 25
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife rang me at the pub and said, "If you're not home in 10 minutes, I'm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog." I was home in 5 minutes. I'd hate for anything to happen to the dog. ...
  • 26
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor. More on this after the break.
  • 27
    Gesture - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife asked me: "What starts with F and ends in K. I said: "No it doesn't."
  • 28
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife always buys cheap toilet paper. It's a pain in the ass.
  • 29
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl. I said no I didn't know he could.
  • 30
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
  • 31
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today? ... My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal. Me: My truck.
  • 32
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes ... My wife asked me, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?" So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents' house.
  • 33
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns. She says if I make any more, I'm toast. ... But my kids keep egging me on.
  • 34
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with tennis - and I'm too old. I said: "I'm only 40 love."
  • 35
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight." : The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?"
  • 36
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes ... My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me. I had some pretty big shoes to fill.
  • 37
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes My wife says I'm getting fat, but in my defence... I've had a lot on my plate recently.
  • 38
    Font - Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes ... My wife and I just celebrated ten years of happy marriage. It was, coincidentally, our 30th wedding anniversary.

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