Dude Chooses Brother's Middle School Bully as His Best Man Over His Brother

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Jun 7, 2023 12:00 PM EDT

Choosing your Best Man or Maid of Honor is a complicated decision. I've always thought choosing your sibling is the safest choice because you don't have to decide which of your friends you trust the most. But at the end of the day, it's your wedding. You should be able to choose who you want in your wedding party and who you don't want without incident. 

One groom is in the unusual predicament of wanting his brother's middle school bully to be his Best Man. He developed a friendship with this former bully in college and considers him to be his best friend. The brother is so angry about this choice he's refusing to go to the wedding. On the one hand, I think that if you're in your thirties, you should have processed the trauma of middle school already. On the other hand, he has a right to feel upset since he wasn't even asked to be a groomsman. 

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  • 01
    Font - REF F 1 r/AmltheAsshole u/Most Tomatillo7838 - 20h AITA for choosing my brothers school bully over him for my wedding
    via u/MostTomatillo7838
  • 02
    Font - My brother in middle school had a bully Max. School kinda sucked and didn't do anything about it. I am 4 years older than my brother and Max. I didn't have the money to go to college so I spent a few years saving up cash. I went to a community college and Max was there with me.
    via u/MostTomatillo7838
  • 03
    Font - We were in the same track, so we worked together before. I don't get close to him until my grandfather died and my family didn't tell me until the day of the funeral. It was rough and he really helped me out. I brought up his bullying and he told me he will send a letter to apologize. My brother got it and basically said I don't forgive him which is his right.
    via u/MostTomatillo7838
  • 04
    Font - I am 34 now and I am still close with him. He is being my best man. I told my family this and most were happy since they know how much he has helped me out before. My brother on the other hand hates it. He told me he won't come to my wedding if he is invited. We got in an argument with me just saying you can't be in the same building and not talk to someone. He claims it's is the principal of it and won't go to the wedding unless I uninvited him. That I am picking a bully over him, buts i
    via u/MostTomatillo7838
  • 05
    Font - Wintery1 • 19h Asshole Enthusiast [5] To me YTA, you don't get to decide when someone gets over being bullied. Some people never do, it scars them for life. If your brother still feels this strongly years after the event it was clearly worse for him than you know however much you want to minimise it. Reply 48.7K 8.7k
    via u/Wintery1
  • 06
    Font - tikanique 17h . To me, NTA. I'd have written off my brother for not telling me my grandfather died! That betrayal is how Max and OP became close. Karma. ... 43.1k 3.1k
    via u/tikanique
  • 07
    Font - Succmynugz. 17h OP never said it was was his brother who withheld that information though, he just said his "family" which likely meant the parents or other adults. 41.9k
    via u/Succmynugz
  • 08
    Font - ruby_slippers_96. 17h I have a little sister who was bullied, and I can't imagine becoming close friends with someone who bullied her. Most of them are actually on my personal "would punch if the opportunity arose" list. But it's OP's wedding, and if he wants to choose this dude over his brother, he can. Still makes him TA to his brother though. 588
    via u/ruby_slippers_96
  • 09
    Font - zombiedinocorn . 17h I mean if OP is okay with destroying his relationship with his younger brother, then I suppose he won't care if his bro sees him as ΤΑ 4273
    via u/zombiedinocorn
  • 10
    Font - MaintenanceFlimsy555 • 20h S 2 Awards NAH, except - a little bit - Max. Fundamentally, you made this decision a bit at a time, every time you spent time with Max despite knowing how he had treated your brother. Your brother made this decision in particular when he was one of the people who didn't tell you about your grandfather. It has been a long time, and you and your brother have clearly grown apart.
    via u/MaintenanceFlimsy555
  • 11
    Font - It's reasonable for you to want your best friend with you. It's reasonable for your brother to hate your best friend. It's reasonable for you to ask him to tolerate it for one day. It's reasonable for him to say no. I think you suck a little bit for making friends with your brother's bully in the first place, but that AH behaviour is a ship that's long since sailed. Max sucks a lot more for not having the grace to not invade the family space of someone he used to bully, as well as for bei
    via u/MaintenanceFlimsy555
  • 12
    Font - Your relationship with your brother isn't going to survive this choice, but this isn't a new situation - the wedding is just what's made clear that you prefer your relationship with Max to your relationship with him. Not inviting Max wouldn't suddenly magically make your brother more important in your life than Max is. Realising that is painful for him, and you and Max are the ones whose decisions caused that hurt, so it's up to you to be as graceful as you can and not make this any worse
    via u/MMaintenanceFlimsy555
  • 13
    Font - SomeAd8993 - 20h Asshole Enthusiast [5] YTA I think you are ignoring what actually happened, because you already made up your mind you said in the comments that "bullying" consisted of "name calling" and "not inviting to a party", which even barely qualifies as such. Did you learn that from Max? Are you sure there isn't much more to the story you brother doesn't even want to tell you?
    via u/SomeAd8993
  • 14
    Font - it would be extremely unusual to not want to be in the same building with someone who didn't invite you to a party 20 years ago... it wouldn't be strange if someone shoved your head into urinal and spit in your face ... Reply 2.4k
    via u/SomeAd8993
  • 15
    Font - jkshfjlsksha 20h Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] Info: I think we need more info of what the bullying actually consisted of ... Reply 1k
    via u/jkshfjlsksha
  • 16
    Font - Rusty5th 17h ● I agree that more info is needed. I don't think name calling would lead to a grudge lasting this long. There might be some deeply traumatic shit you don't know about. Also, would be curious about the apology letter. Was it a sincere apology that addressed whatever actually went down? Or was it "sorry for how I treated you. Let's forget about it" kind of half-assed apology? It would be worth digging deeper. Not so much because the wedding...for your brother's sake. ... 4284
    via u/Rusty5th
  • 17
    Font - DanOfAll Trades80 • 15h Seriously, I was bullied throughout most of middle school and then again by a few people in high school, and I ran into the worst one from high school years later at a party. The way he told it then, we were good friends in high school and used to get up to all kinds of crazy hijinks. That experience mate me realize that one of my friends in high school who was kinda the butt of a lot of jokes, and took it all in stride was actually pretty severally bullied by me a
    via u/DanOfAllTrades80
  • 18
    Font - My_friends_are_toys • 19h Partassipant [1] You can pick whoever you want to be in your wedding, but those choices have consequences. There is no time limit on being hurt. There is no law or rule or anything that says your brother has to get over his being bullied by a certain amount of time. You're not the AH for picking whoever you want at your wedding. You are the AH for picking someone who bullied your brother. Also, that bully didn't even apologize until you said something...doesn't s
    via u/My_friends_are_toys
  • 19
    Font - Edit: anyways I talked to my brother this doesnt really have anyhting to do with max and more with me, he is upset that he isn't best man. He was upset by that and didn't want to go at the beginning when he heard it was max that made it worse and brought up old feelings about middle school. We had a nice conversation and I explained why he wasn't chosen, we arnt close. Also brought up I wasn't in his wedding party either. We are all good and he is gonna go. Also shows him this thread and
    via u/My_friends_are_toys

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family drama best man aita bully Groomsmen groom wedding party groomsman brother middle school crazy groom wedding Reddit bullying weddings brothers
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