40 Fresh Tweets Plucked From the Funny Minds of Twitter (July 16, 2023)

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  • 01
    Font - John DeVore @JohnDeVore a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site's videos didn't have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees 8:09 PM 6/6/23 from Earth - 202K Views 425 Retweets 29 Quotes
  • 02
    Hairstyle - Rohita Kadambi @RohitaKadambi His genes didn't even try nathan @868nathan - 2d Ben Affleck's daughter is LITERALLY her mother's (Jennifer Garner) twin. 11:24 PM 7/4/23 6.1M Views 5,407 Retweets 161 Quotes
  • 03
    Property - erin chack @ErinChack here's my hack for finding street parking anywhere in LA ZAPILAÐ SAPERE 4,894 Retweets 607 Quotes KRYLON COLORmaxx PAINT+ PRIMER - OUT MARTEDEEP GAA ART 10:25 PM 6/26/23 from Earth. 4.2M Views
  • 04
    Automotive parking light - Kira Okamoto @kirameks Today I learned my partner has been keeping a secret from me for 10 months. He's been "monitoring" the daily progress of a desiccated carrot in our fridge since August 2022 and the only reason I found it is because he forgot to tuck it back behind the oat milk cartons 180 1:42 PM 6/18/23 from Earth. 1M Views 1,993 Retweets 318 Quotes
  • 05
    Font - Dak Bs, Ms, PEng, PhD, JD, PsyD, DNP... @DakDeMarco So funny how the people who stole my fiancée's phone last month are now so desperate +1 (360) 523-5673 Text Message Yesterday 10:05 AM sten! I'm going to harassed, wreck id ruin your sad, stupid low pathetic e if its not removed you mindless asant. u're going to be destroyed. I've led or far less than a fucking phone fore and we will see if you value ur life over this phone so you know w fucking serious this is. I know ho you are and whe
  • 06
    Cabinetry - Vanta Greige @ultramaricon for weeks my parents have been at war against a very resourceful rat and I've been begging them to call pest control but no my dad would rather balance a banana on a 2x4 over a garbage can full of water like a fucking cartoon cat
  • 07
    Dog - Lucy Huber @clhubes My parents took their dog to a new groomer and I guess they'd never groomed a Westie before. I'm CRYING. 5:34 PM 6/16/23 from Earth. 1.8M Views . 765 Retweets 131 Quotes
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    Font - it's me Richard Stott @TheRstott Saw a thing where people where sharing embarrassing work stories and a girl said when she got her first waitress job, someone ordered champagne and she thought it was standard to shake and spray the bottle at everyone like an F1 driver as that's the only reference she had. 11:58 AM 7/9/23 from Earth-619K Views . 1,078 Retweets 99 Quotes
  • 09
    Font - Armand Domalewski @ArmandD... 16h My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace...she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from... the other woman's boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over 287 4,952 124K Armand Domalewski @Armand Doma il₁1 6.4M 10:18 PM 6/11/23 from Earth. 912K Views . ↑ It felt like we're both low level dealers making an exchange on the orders of our respective cartel bosses ...
  • 10
    Font - Jeremy Trot Zeitlin @TrotTaBoston Why does this beef jerky look like it's going to be shortlisted for the National Book Award? Air Dried Beef Biltong Origina $5.99 STR-OL-2.25 856492 007467 16g 1852840 REIN NET WT 2.9502(1 Og TOTAL SUGAR ORIGINAL Stryve BEEF BILTONG AIR-DRIED BEEF SLICES NET WT 2.250s (64) www ● #URWHATUEAT SHA APSONT VCU Since 1959 BEEF ADDED CH VENUSED GRASS FED AND GRASS FINISHED Venison NET WT 2.1 OZ. (60 g) VJZ-C 0856717-007007 the best JERKY ever:) 12 G PROTEIN PER
  • 11
    Organism - skoova stev @bootcutgenes The Oppenheimer marketing team has an opportunity to do the funniest thing possible Film Updates @FilmUpdates - 7h The 'BARBIE' Dream House has mysteriously appeared in Malibu. (via @johnschreiber) 0:27 4:19 PM 6/26/23 from Earth 8.4M Views . . 24.6K Retweets 668 Quotes Icc x
  • 12
    Font - nick @Lou BegaVEVO my phone: O APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE $15.35 me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: "wonder what that's for :)" 6:34 PM 6/18/23 from Earth. 1.1M Views 2,254 Retweets 89 Quotes
  • 13
    Font - kim @KimmyMonte last night i went out to dinner w a bunch of friends and the waitress asked if anyone at the table had any allergies and my friend very seriously said "oh yes, cats" 9:42 AM 6/24/23 from Earth. 2M Views 2,658 Retweets 363 Quotes
  • 14
    Font - deathcore___doggy (past-tense) @SAMOYEDCORE being the bf who knows facts rules because you can make your gf believe anything if you say it in an autistic enough deadpan. i said "this is actually the first time that grimace's birthday falls on the same month as toyotathon" and her reflex response was "why do you know that" 10:49 PM 6/24/23 from Earth. 212K Views . 610 Retweets 66 Quotes
  • 15
    Font - phillys black marxist @Forever_noir_ Y'all: "eat the rich" The ocean eats the rich and the people celebrate Y'all: "no not like that" 11:57 AM 6/21/23 1.3M Views . 7,653 Retweets 456 Quotes
  • 16
    Font - "De Wampler™ @ScottWamplerRIP After years of only hearing about it, I finally got my hands on the 5-page bodybuilding forum thread wherein a couple dudes get into a heated argument over how many days there are in a week and I am here to tell you that it is infinitely funnier than I even imagined it would be. 3:39 PM 6/19/23 2.8M Views 2,873 Retweets 527 Quotes
  • 17
    Head - I Taylor Swope @_taylorswope when games call human enemies stuff like "bandit" or "raider" They're just, like, not important, like, they don't matter. ALT . ALT 12:28 AM 6/19/23 493K Views 1,084 Retweets 53 Quotes ALT Like, they're not even supposed to be around in the area. nobody should feel sad at all.
  • 18
    Product - An Adult Beefswelling @nirol__ Nice try, boat Camerique/ClassicStock/Getty SCIENCE KILLER WHALES ARE NOT OUR FRIENDS Stop rooting for the orcas ramming boats. By Jacob Stern JUNE 17, 2023 STERN PORT 1:17 PM 6/17/23 from Earth - 2.5M Views 10.8K Retweets 253 Quotes BOW
  • 19
    Font - Paul Schofield @pschofie79 My dad used to tell me that you could yell at a bear and it would go away. Camping when I was 10, a bear came into the site. Dad got out of the tent and yelled at it, and it just snorted back at him. Dad got back into the tent. "That's all I got." A lot of life is like this. 1:38 PM 6/17/23 from Earth. 204K Views 470 Retweets 21 Quotes
  • 20
    Joint - Dundundun @RektCaprisun French man told me to throw away my vape and handed me a cigarette "You are not in America" ...
  • 21
    Font - Mohamad Safa @mhdksafa Someone took a screenshot of one of my tweets and emailed it to my work demanding they fire me. It eventually ended up on the CEO's desk. After long discussion with me (CEO), I chose to not fire myself. 4:40 PM 6/15/23 from Earth 10.7M Views 11.9K Retweets 1,032 Quotes
  • 22
    Font - Nurse D, Gardening Fool @TakeThatNurses My job, as the 6'3" male nurse, is to be available when some creepy pervert patient tries telling the cute new grad nurses and aides that he can wash every part of himself except his privates. "Hello sir, I hear you've requested assistance getting washed up" 11:07 AM 6/15/23 from Earth. 2M Views 5,011 Retweets 425 Quotes
  • 23
    Font - footfucker98 @aphextwinfan40 "kill yourself" - unrealistic - probably won't happen supposedly a "death threat" - overused - "shit yourself" - can absolutely happen at any time - uniquel - holds more weight 12:25 AM 6/14/23 from Earth. 1.3M Views 13.3K Retweets 563 Quotes
  • 24
    Gesture - shoe @shoeOnhead if danny devito isn't phil we will jan 6 disney world Pop Tingz @ThePopTingz 2d A 'Hercules' live-action film is currently in development, according to Sean Bailey, President of Walt Disney Studios. 12:57 AM 6/7/23 from Earth. 874K Views . 1,061 Retweets 27 Quotes ...
  • 25
    Organism - Latest in space @latestinspace 14h BREAKING : NASA rover Perseverance finds strange rock on Mars that appears hollow with a hole in its center 3,919 17,278 The Tesla Hoe @TheTeslaHoe First glory hole on Mars 7 93.4K il₁1 13.6M 9:03 PM 6/27/23 from Earth. 346K Views ....
  • 26
    Food - Eric @Uwe Bollocks This is the only food that every single person on earth calls by a different name. 8:49 PM 6/5/23 from Earth. 735K Views 191 Retweets 577 Quotes
  • 27
    Vertebrate - Alex Seitz-Wald @aseitzwald You can follow me on the new platform Church Door, where I'm exclusively posting all my new theses content Mining Luther schlägt feine Thesen an. g. Spangenberg
  • 28
    Font - Janel Comeau @VeryBadLlama Americans: I use miles and pounds Europeans: I use kilometres and kilograms Canadians: [snorting a line of assorted measuring systems] I'm 5'3, I weigh 150lbs, horses weigh 1000kgs, my house is an hour away and I drive 80 km/h to get there, I need a cup of flour and 1L of milk 10:04 PM 6/28/23 from Earth. 3.3M Views 7,661 Retweets 1,110 Quotes
  • 29
    Font - sophie @netcapgirl gifted kids grow up on some "i'm gonna discover the secrets of the universe, find the meaning of life & be the one to finally understand consciousness" type shit and then end up doing power points at mckinsey 9:24 AM 6/26/23 from Earth.520K Views 413 Retweets 116 Quotes
  • 30
    Product - Gerrick Kennedy @GerrickKennedy Neither do we Pop Tingz @ThePopTingz. 21h Kelly Clarkson reveals she doesn't know the names of the last 5 #AmericanIdol winners. American Idol 2:20 PM 6/28/23 from Earth. 48K Views 184 Retweets 1 Quote 721 Likes 1 Bookmark : ...
  • 31
    Font - limitanei @rustbeltvigil Not enough people are 23andMe-pilled. They don't see the machinations. I scrape DNA off public restrooms and send it in under my name so when they engineer the bioweapon they'll get the wrong guy. 5:47 PM 7/7/23 from Earth 260K Views 778 Retweets 32 Quotes
  • 32
    Beard - John Dillinger Died For You @Saint Dillinger Absolute legend NEWS Thousands of Twitter use SHARE & SAVE - Chicago man arrested after repeatedly stealing guns off of officers using a toy dino grabber. 8:45 AM 7/6/23 from Earth. 1.8M Views . 3,752 Retweets 395 Quotes H ... ifunny.co
  • 33
    Font - Anosognosiogenesis @pookleblinky Zoomers: what did you old people do for fun as kids? Millennials: drugs Genx: drugs Boomers: well I tell ya, we had a jolly ol time doing all kindsa newfangled drugs Silent: drugs Victorian: drugs and orgies, mostly 10:44 PM 7/8/23 from Earth.83K Views 486 Retweets 18 Quotes
  • 34
    Font - Siddhant Adlakha @SiddhantAdlakha If you'd told me that between Barbie and Oppenheimer, one would start online discourse about on-screen age gaps and the other would lead to international controversy rooted in 1940s Asian geopolitics, never in a million years would have I guessed which one would yield which. 9:18 PM 7/8/23 from Earth 1.2M Views 4,572 Retweets 94 Quotes
  • 35
    Font - Corn →* @upblissed community notes jus destroyed the leader of the free world wit a "this you?" President Biden @POTUS 1d On my watch, health care is a right not a privilege in this country. 12:36 PM 7/8/23 from Earth. 2.4M Views T T Readers added context Joe Biden has never publicly supported universal healthcare or Medicare for All, and has suggested he would veto bills that implement such a system. His stated policy goal is 'afforda... Show this note . ... 3,049 Retweets 17 Quotes
  • 36
    Font - Gabrielle Drolet @gabrielledrolet having people in your life with real jobs is so humiliating. just called my brother and he immediately picked up like "hey is everything okay?" and I said "yeah I just wanted to chat :)" and he said "oh okay well. it's the middle of the workday" my bad 1:09 PM 7/6/23 from Earth - 1.8M Views . 3,533 Retweets 567 Quotes
  • 37
    Font - derek guy @dieworkwear i joined IG for the first time last year and didn't know how it worked. followed a random woman and "liked" her IG story every time it featured her cat. didn't know this sent a "heart" into her DMs. after a year she was like "do we know each other??" was so embarrassed lexa @aleemariel 3d WHY DO YOU GUYS LIKE GIRLS STORIES WHEN YOU HAVE A WHOLE GF!!!! 6:12 PM 7/7/23 from Earth. 7.3M Views 2,382 Retweets 610 Quotes
  • 38
    Font - VeryBritishProblems @SoVeryBritish How to really enjoy the rain: 1. Stand at the window (inside) 2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip 3. Sip tea from mug 4. Say "look at that rain" or "it's really coming down now" Subscribe 5. Ask someone else if it's raining where they are 6. Say the garden needs it 7. Eat all the biscuits 11:51 AM 7/8/23 from Earth 1.4M Views . 2,512 Retweets 232 Quotes
  • 39
    Font - тоа 2004 blurry @sar_uh666 4 years of dedication. do i finally allow him to ask me the silly question JUL 14, 2019 May I ask a silly question? AUG 24, 2021 May I ask you a super silly question that I am sure I already know the answer to? JUL 1 AT 12:27 PM May I ask you a super silly stupid question? Accept message request from 12:23 AM 7/9/23 from Earth. 1.7M Views ... 1,105 Retweets 69 Quotes
  • 40
    Sleeve - Stacy @StacyMarieJ when your guy friend of 7+ years hits you with the "so can i ask you a question" 9:27 PM 7/9/23 from Earth. 3.7M Views .

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