40+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (January 6, 2024)

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  • 01
    Zach Heltzel @zachheltzel Normalizing espresso martinis while banning Four Loko just proves once again that we have a two-tiered justice system that punishes the poor and insulates the rich. 8:09 PM 12/30/23 from Earth 291K Views 756 Reposts 29 Quotes 9.1K Likes 276 Bookmarks
  • 02
    Jabu @Whotfismick your parents house have everything you need except peace 3:55 PM 12/29/23 from Earth 4.2M Views ● 13K Reposts 1.1K Quotes
  • 03
    lexi featherston stan updates @politicalthot for the rest of my life i will think about the girl i just sat beside on my flight to toronto who tapped me on the shoulder and held up her phone open to her notes app which read "MY EX BF IS SITTING BEHIND US WITH HIS NEW GF" 10:18 PM - 12/29/23 2.3M Views 1.7K Reposts 218 Quotes
  • 04
    ray @spilledcrawfish he looks like a garlic or perhaps an onion 11:18 AM 12/29/23 from Earth 1.5M Views ●
  • 05
    emma lord @dilemmalord january in your thirties is wild because half your friends are doing dry january and half of them are pregnant and half of them are drunk texting you at 5pm on a tuesday about their exes and half of them are asking if you want to book a flight to italy and somehow this maths out 9:33 PM 12/29/23 from Earth. 444K Views . 506 Reposts 57 Quotes 8.1K Likes 327 Bookmarks
  • 06
    Brian Jordan Alvarez @brianjoralvarez Don't talk to me until I've had my 1500 calorie American breakfast that makes me tired 10:53 AM 12/30/23 from Earth · 401K Views 551 Reposts 19 Quotes 10K Likes 130 Bookmarks
  • 07
    MASSEY Viewer @viewerOW Foreman: he doesn't have brain cancer he's only 16 and shows no symptoms Patient: can't wait till I get home and play overwatch House: 4:39 PM 12/29/23 from Earth 880K Views 2.7K Reposts 45 Quotes 34K Likes 1.2K Bookmarks
  • 08
    ely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl "you're so ambitious!" thanks as a child I learned that achievement equals love 9:51 PM - 12/29/23 from Earth · 2.3M Views 10K Reposts 890 Quotes
  • 09
    Big Cat @BarstoolBigCat Me telling my diet to just wait until Tuesday then we're locking in 4:16 PM 12/29/23 from Earth 2.7M Views .
  • 10
    COUPO BIG Z @zenathelove ik his family n friends calling him a hog hugger Pugmanta Claus @pugmane 3d Kermit Has a New Girlfriend? Good. His Last One Was a Domestic Abuser. 4:18 AM 12/29/23 from Earth 269K Views ABC
  • 11
    Eli McCann @EliMcCann Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began "this stupid thing is a musical?!" [Editor's note: the woman was my mother-in- law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.] 5:56 PM 12/25/23 from Earth 777K Views 730 Reposts 72 Quotes 28K Likes 318 Bookmarks
  • 12
    Mike Black @MichaelBlack FB Libertys mascot is going crazy Well . Lucky me Are you actually a mascot? Yeah lol I'm the eagle That's really cool lol. I don't know anyone else who's a mascot Yeah well it's pretty neat We're not supposed to tell people tho And a lot of people ask "who is the eagle?" Cause they don't know But no one asks "how is the eagle" And it gets to you sometimes Aw man. Well, how is the eagle 2:31 PM 12/29/23 from Earth 925K Views Horny
  • 13
    "I was pepper sprayed in the face point-blank by the Cambridge city police at a weapons manufacturer protest and this eyeliner stayed on!" Isabella Rosario @irosarioc Pepper spray proof Char Verified Reviewer Comments about Point Black ALT I was pepper sprayed in the face point-blank by the Cambridge city police at a weapons manufacturer protest and this eyeliner stayed on! Amazing point black liquidlast had my back! Shut Elbit down! 2 months ago Cambridge, MA Yes, I would recommend to a friend
  • 14
    stoned cold fox @roastmalone_ thinking about how predators have forward facing eyes 2:38 PM 12/29/23 from Earth 277K Views 683 Reposts 14 Quotes 10K Likes 147 Bookmarks
  • 15
    Caroline Darney @cwdarney Barbie vs Oppenheimer MASK ● TAMILY RECIPE Duke's REAL MAYONNAISE & CREAMY 7:17 AM 12/29/23 from Earth 919K Views 1K Reposts 23 Quotes 16K Likes 251 Bookmarks
  • 16
    Adam @adamgreattweet i'm assembling a team DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE ♥ ● . P Dukes REAL MAYONNAISE 8:57 PM 12/29/23 from Earth - 401K Views 655 Reposts 46 Quotes 9.5K Likes 133 Bookmarks
  • 17
    Erin @thisoneiserin In 1,000 years archeologists will find evidence of the ritualistic killing and devouring of the Pop- Tart mascot by victorious idols as the masses cheered in a vast stadium. What if the Aztecs, Mayans, Romans, etc. were actually just deeply unserious people who did silly things. CRAZY O POP-TARTS BOWL CRAZY Pop CRAZY GIO $BOWL CRAZY O OP MPING WORI Pop. tarts BOWL ORLANDO 12:27 PM 12/29/23 from Earth 199K Views POF-TARTS BOWL 8:12 T K-STATE
  • 18
    JRR Jokien @joshcarlosjosh "this is my body, which is broken for you: do this in remembrance of me" DAMES CHAMPIONS Pop. tarts BOWL ORLANDO HAMPONS POP-TARTS BOWL ESPO 19 28 FINAL 10:30 PM 12/28/23 from Earth 1.3M Views 1.9K Reposts 72 Quotes 24K Likes 633 Bookmarks
  • 19
    JRR Jokien @joshcarlosjosh Anakin Skywalker winning the Boonta Eve Classic, being freed from slavery, leaving Tatooine to become a Jedi: DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE ALT Anakin after losing to Obi-Wan in the duel on Mustafar: PO ALT 5:01 PM 12/29/23 from Earth. 1.1M Views 1.6K Reposts 53 Quotes 20K Likes 661 Bookmarks
  • 20
    The Lord of Leisure @LeisureGod69 Me and my wife's best friend's husband There he is. 7:35 PM 12/29/23 from Earth 1M Views Big dog. 1.9K Reposts 74 Quotes 27K Likes 910 Bookmarks
  • 21
    Corn * @upblissed when u see the ppl who were popular in high school again 11:50 PM 12/28/23 from Earth 14M Views
  • 22
    the thicc husband & father @lukeisamazing Mace Windu picking out his lightsaber color Post Barack Obama @Barack Obama Update: I just saw The Color Purple and loved it. 7:39 PM 12/28/23 from Earth - 921K Views ● 2K Reposts 13 Quotes 29K Likes 501 Bookmarks
  • 23
    Chris Coro @iamchriscoro Bank account nice and empty, starting the new year on a clean slate 8:25 PM 12/29/23 from Earth-6.6M Views 19K Reposts 1.4K Quotes
  • 24
    kira @kirawontmiss This app is so funny because mfs are implying that the CIA hired a sting ray to kill Steve Irwin garçon @boymolish One day yall gonna put two and two together on why people like this passed away icy @icyHive 1d 0:27 6:40 PM - 12/28/23 from Earth - 3.7M Views FE
  • 25
    Vaughn @ZiSibiya She's claiming I slept with her man as if we even had time to sleep. Sis your man is a beast. 1:37 PM 12/28/23 from Earth 6.9M Views . 7.1K Reposts 8.2K Quotes
  • 26
    Joe Dellera @JoeDellera Congrats FantasyLabs NBA @FantasyLabsNBA 8h Kyle Lowry (head) out Saturday. 2:13 PM 12/30/23 from Earth - 2.4M Views 1.2K Reposts 14 Quotes 18K Likes 275 Bookmarks
  • 27
    Oluwajomiloju @JomiAdeniran If you're afraid to compete, just say that Jules @libvoriann 7h ● Asking me to Dave and busters on a first date IS CRAZY 7:26 PM 12/30/23 from Earth 1.5M Views 1.7K Reposts 11 Quotes 22K Likes 234 Bookmarks
  • 28
    ANIMAL A. @ANiMaListicAN I wished my 89-year-old client a happy new year. He said "Yeeaaah yeah, another one." This man is fed up. 10:37 AM 12/28/23 from Earth 892K Views ● 1.8K Reposts 213 Quotes 38K Likes 499 Bookmarks 고 . 1771 Brittney. @LuxeeBree 2d I talked to a patient that was 101 a few weeks ago. "Have a merry Christmas if you celebrate it" him - I've had 100 of them hopefully this is my last...... 7 口企 ↑ 3K ₁38K
  • 29
    sleepiest girl in the whole wide world @v_dcknz I created the perfect "dad waiting to catch teen out past curfew sneaking in" corner of my apartment My P Life G LY #
  • 30
    gaz @gazpachomachine my friend left twitter and absolutely can not handle being away. look at this man he is going through intense posting withdrawals can you tweet something for me please . "men with no bedframe like their life depends on it" i need this thought out in the workd 10:19 AM 12/31/23 from Earth 1.1M Views 2.2K Reposts 263 Quotes
  • 31
    search Keefler on spotify @Keefler Elf what was their plan out of context raccoons 2 raccoons trying to open a door 0:12 5:52 PM 12/30/23 from Earth 1.3M Views . @contextr....1d ● 8
  • 32
    tomb @TurmShrub (C-section baby) yeah so I actually clipped through this wall and saved a ton of time on this run 1:44 AM · 12/31/23 from Earth 568K Views 1.7K Reposts 58 Quotes 21K Likes 478 Bookmarks
  • 33
    ellie schnitt @holy_schnitt I was using vinegar while cleaning my bathroom and then I thought hm maybe I should bleach this too and long story short that is mustard gas rachel @rachelmillman 1d ● Alright. We're wrapping up the year. It is now tradition: Please tell me about the funniest and stupidest thing you did in 2023 3:42 PM - 12/31/23 from Earth - 1.2M Views 677 Reposts 75 Quotes 20K Likes 696 Bookmarks
  • 34
    Anna Thomas @annarosethomas Signed up to do dog sitting and somehow accidentally sent the person I was meant to be dog sitting for a text that said "galloping scallop" and they cancelled the booking your bure. Tue, 19 Dec at 12:38 Galloping scallop rachel @rachelmillman 1d Alright. We're wrapping up the year. It is now tradition: Please tell me about the funniest and stupidest thing you did in 2023 8:33 AM 12/31/23 from Earth - 534K Views 674 Reposts 28 Quotes 10K Likes 283 Bookmarks
  • 35
    M@ @violentfeminist Years ago I paid a roommate's rent and bills two months in a row with the promise of him paying me back - until he moved out in the middle of the night. I promised myself that I would beat the brakes off him if I ever saw him again. We are now at the same coffee shop. 3:13 PM 12/31/23 from Earth 1.6M Views 808 Reposts 259 Quotes ●

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