“Give me identity and belonging, but give me mystery and awe all at the same time”: Psychologist Esther Perel Educates Us About the Interconnectedness Between Love, Desire, and the Imagination

There’s a million dollar question floating in and out of the minds of everyone who has ever loved, and it has failed to get an answer as much as humans have pained and strived over it. It’s the matter of love and intimacy; what is the secret to long-term relationships? Couples who have longevity may lack passion and intimacy, and couples who have passion and intimacy may lack love and longevity. Some have it, it’s not impossible, but where did they get it? Esther Perel is here to give us some insight. 
 

Perel divides our needs into two contradictory categories: safety, security, predictability, and on the other hand: adventure, novelty, and the unexpected. How do we manage these opposing forces in love? Where do desire and love intertwine? 

The overarching power of imagination: 

During Ms. Perel’s research she discovered an archaic and extremely human phenomenon that seemed to be critical to a healthy emotional and intimate life with your partner, and that’s the power of the imagination. 

1. There’s a power of imagination rooted in longing and absence, it creates a sense of mystery. When partners are away, they can wonder about each other, covet each other, and imagine all the good times they’ve had in this space of solitude.
2. Foreplay doesn’t start 5 minutes before intimacy, it takes place both in and out of the bedroom. Understanding that foreplay isn’t sensual necessarily, it’s the emotionally intimate and secure moments between each other throughout the days and weeks together, excluding the bedroom.
3. Spontaneity as a couple, but knowing that intimacy is still intentional and planned. 
    

The forbidden will always be evocative, but it doesn’t have to be with new partners. This sense of mysticism can be honed into committed relationships too through the lens of imagination. 

To watch the full video, click here.