'I say, she can't take back what happened': Estranged step-mom tries to weasel her way into the wedding party of the step-daughter she ignored for 11 years, Father gets upset when bride puts her foot down

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    AITA for saying my stepmom can't take back how she treated me? Not the I (24F) have always had a rocky relationship with my stepmom "Cindy" (51F). She came into my life when I was 13, and pretty much as soon as she and my dad were married, she became very pushy about taking up a parental role. She came to all my events and stuff, which I tried to appreciate, but she was also very
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    "it's my house too and I get to make rules" after moving in with dad. She was the "bad cop" I guess; she was the one who thought I didn't have enough chores, that my grades weren't good enough, that I needed screen time limits, etc, and that lead to a lot of arguments. I hit the last straw at 17. The lawn needed cutting before Sunday; my dad said he'd do it Saturday afternoon, so I made plans to go hang out with friends for the day.
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    While I was out, Cindy messaged me saying I shouldn't have let dad do the lawn because he'd had a tiring week, and that I would be doing it; her usual MO basically. I said no and stayed out with my friends. when I got home, she was furious and tried to ground me and it turned into this big stupid argument where I pulled the you're not my mom card. Dad ended up stepping in; I wasn't grounded, but also asked me to try and get along with her.
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    It didn't matter, because she decided she was done. She just kinda stopped acknowledging me; we basically became roommates who hated each other. I wasn't even allowed to eat food she bought (not special stuff; like, when the bread ran out and she was the one to replace it). It was all just really tense, and I ended up spending a lot more time at my mom's apartment until I went to college.
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    I've never formally blocked her or gone NC but we just haven't spoken since; she never came anytime I met up with Dad etc. Until me and my fiance announced our engagement. The wedding is over a year away, but Cindy sent me a long text, congratulating me and asking for all the details so she could help plan. She was asking about coming to dress fittings and if we wanted an engagement party and if she could make a speech at the wedding, basically asking about all the mother-of-the-bride stuff
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    and pretending the last 11 years didn't happen. I didn't reply, until Dad reached out asking why I hadn't. I was honest with him; I'm weirded out by this. I'm happy for Cindy to come as his plus one, but she's not getting any role at the wedding (we're actually not even doing a head table, just because I don't want to share a table with her or separate her from Dad)
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    because she's not my mom and the last time I saw her she was insistent about that. It's turned into a whole thing; he says she's really hurt and that he's rethinking coming to the wedding(?!) because she doesn't want to go, I say she can't take back what happened, and at the very least she should have apologised before reaching out like this.
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    Mom and my partner are supportive of me, but I've had messages from several people on dad's side saying I'm an AH for 'punishing' Cindy and it's getting to me, so, AITA?
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    EDIT: Sorry for disappearing, I'm just overwhelmed by how many people have responded to this and how supportive you've all been. Me and my partner (who is also a girl, btw, just for those calling her my husband - sorry for not clarifying) have been slowly reading through all your comments and it has really helped. The things that have really stood out to me are those
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    of you saying what Cindy did was withholding food (I never thought of it that way, but my partner agrees and I do have anxiety around having enough food in the house. I'm now starting to wonder if that's part of the reason.) and people saying what Cindy's doing now is still controlling, which makes almost too much sense.
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    Just to clarify, because I've seen it brought up, mowing wasn't "my job" at home - it was a job for whoever was available and my dad offered that time. A lot of what Cindy did was like that; Mom and Dad didn't not parent me, I did have chores and a curfew and everything, but Cindy had a very "you need to be doing more, you're not good enough" attitude right from the very start - it's hard to explain if you haven't experienced it but I hoped the
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    lawn incident would detail it. It's the same for grades; I got encouragement to do better from Mom and Dad (I was a solid B student tbh) but Cindy was pushing for reduced screen time and privileges if I didn't get it up to an A - it was always the stick and never the carrot with her, is the best way I can put it into words.
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    At this point, I think I'm at peace with my dad choosing her. I've seen people saying he's kinda a doormat and I think that's very accurate tbh. I'm not going to raise a fuss if he doesn't come to the wedding, and anyone else who wants to know why can see this post. It's hard, and it does hurt, but that's the way things are. I don't want any more drama, but if it keeps coming, at least I know it's not my fault thanks to you; love y'all <3
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    no_thanks_9802 - 18 hr. ago Parta ipant [2] The people on your dad's side, do they know the real reason or do they know Cindy's version of the truth where she's the "victim"? NTA She made her bed all those years ago (and it seems like your dad enabled her to do so), now she has to lie in it. It's your wedding and she does not deserve a place in it (besides being your dad's +1). If your dad chooses her & doesn't come, then that's on him. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! 4.7k Reply Share
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    Character_Address53 OP 18 hr. ago Thanks, from the bottom of my heart <3 I'm not super close to that side of the family; I've never really opened up about my relationship with Cindy to any of them. I don't want to cause more drama, but I guess now could be the time to set the record straight. 2.5k Reply Share
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    TaiDollWave 13 hr. ago Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] Totally agreed. OP isn't punishing anyone. They aren't close with their step mom, and step mom is only interested if she can have the spot light. A speech!?! Gross. If Dad decides he can't go if Cindy can't hold court, that's his problem 130 Reply Share
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    pacingpilot 10 hr. ago Partassipant [1] She wants to give a speech at the wedding of a stepdaughter whom she hasn't spoken to in 11 years and froze out of the home as a minor child. Stepmother is a delusional, entitled, narcissistic nutjob. This has zero to do with her liking OP as a person or celebrating OP's wedding, she just wants the spotlight on her. Reply Share 82
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    LowPickle6803 17 hr. ago You had to use your allowance to buy basics like bread and butter, oh i am so sorry! NTA but your dad and Cindy are. Add this bit to when you tell the rest of the family the truth, cause this will paint the picture for them. 335 cryssylee90 Parta sipant [1] ΝΤΑ Reply Share This comment right here tells me your dad is as much of an AH as she is because he enabled it. Frankly I'd tell him "sorry you won't be attending" and then go no contact with both. 207 16 hr. ago Reply

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