'The meaner I am, the more coworkers respect me': Ladies in Tech Talk About What the Word 'Assertive' Means as a Woman in the Workplace

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Briana Viser • Writer and Editor
Mar 28, 2024 12:00 PM EDT

Welcome back ladies of the internet. Let's get down to the nitty gritty about some modern societal disappointments that affect women. When we think of what it means to be 'manly' some stereotypical words come to mind, such as assertive, smart, strong, courage, or leadership. And when men exhibit these qualities they're respected and revered for them. 

Now let's think about women; what are some stereotypical qualities we associate with women? Soft, gentle, nice, passive, agreeable, quiet. So, what happens when a woman acts in the opposite way? What happens when a woman is being assertive or strong, or independent? Well, that's just the beginning of the issue. 

Unfortunately when women act with 'manly' qualities they're often labeled as being a b*tch, mean, or unfriendly. But when men have those qualities, they're 'the man.' It's true that life isn't fair, all we can do is do our best to balance out the patriarchy, and separate harmful and bigoted thoughts regarding the genders.

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  • 01
    r/ r/womenintech • 20 hr. YellowBeanie5 The meaner I am, the more people seem to respect me professionally
    via u/YellowBeanie5
  • 02
    I understand why I till feel like I'm being infantilised sometimes since I am the youngest. But I like to be taken seriously. I mean, for the most part I am, but sometimes I get that same vibe that I'm not being taken seriously.
    via u/YellowBeanie5
  • 03
    The "meaner" I am, the more people seem to respect me and give me things I need. I have found out that I can be pretty mean and basically get treated better as a result.
    via u/YellowBeanie5
  • 04
    I discovered a year or two ago, if I act demanding and just really direct (no nice pleasantries), people would be nicer to me and give me the stuff I need them to send me. I thank them at the end. But yeah, if I'm "nice" they basically don't sent me stuff or are late. These are all males I'm talking about here.
    via u/YellowBeanie5
  • 05
    Does anyone else feel this way? Does it get better with age? Edit: should've used a different word than 'mean' in my title D
    via u/YellowBeanie5
  • 06
    Oracle5of7 19h ago I apologize, I don't understand. Why would you call not giving pleasantries as being mean? No wonder when woman are assertive they are called !!! You're saying it yourself. Please stop, being direct and assertive does not equate to being mean. It is being
    via u/Oracle5of7
  • 07
    being mean. It is being direct and assertive. So yes, absolutely, when I am direct and assertive I have a much better chance of getting what I need.
    via u/Oracle5of7
  • 08
    LucyEmerald • 20h ago Yeah it's like a major struggle for me because I have to be a completely different person at work to be successful and not being myself is just sad
    via u/LucyEmerald
  • 09
    xcicee 19h ago "Hey, there is an issue in x, I need y, can you please send it over" I'm pretty direct. No issues with people following through.
    via u/xcicee
  • 10
    decayingsun ⚫ 20h ago I have mostly cut out the pleasantries too because honestly they annoy me. I hate when someone messages me "hey how was your weekend?" when I know they just need something. A little catching up at the beginning or end of a meeting or call seems
    via u/decayingsun
  • 11
    of a meeting or call seems normal and fine, but super unnecessary for a slack message.
    via u/decayingsun
  • 12
    dean_syndrome • 19h ago No one took me seriously when I was younger. I would crack jokes and people would laugh, I'd try to make small talk, and I thought people appreciated it but instead (I got this feedback later from a manager after I "changed") I was told that I seemed immature.
    via u/dean_syndrome
  • 13
    So I started building a mask, a wall I put up around all of my interactions. I focused on being friendly but not friends with my coworkers. All of the sudden my manager was giving me glowing feedback about my progress. I hated him, but he had no idea. I got good at having productive
    via u/dean_syndrome
  • 14
    conversations, even with people I didn't like. And now my latest manager tells me I'm "unreadable" and they can never tell what I'm feeling or thinking even though we have tons of meetings and 1-on-1s. I feel like I've lost part of myself. Was it for the best? I don't know. But it was what I felt I had to do.
    via u/dean_syndrome
  • 15
    Jealous-seasaw • 17h ago I hate being messaged on teams with a "hi how are you?" Just say whatever you need. However I will message someone and say "good morning Fred, could you please direct me to the doco for xyz code, thanks"
    via u/Jealous-seasaw
  • 16
    Nice but still direct and not wasting time. I'll add an emoji sometimes - seems to be the culture at my workplace.
    via u/Jealous-seasaw
  • 17
    Pizzazze 17h ago Being direct isn't being mean. Please be direct, people appreciate it.
    via u/Pizzazze
  • 18
    niganayesgvna • 19h ago I think you may need to reflect on why this makes you feel "mean". Do you objectively think you're being mean or are you treating people in-kind?
    via u/niganayesgvna
  • 19
    There are two types of people at work: those who think chit chat and niceties are mandatory and those who don't. They will fight amongst themselves sure thet they are correct in whose socializing correctly. I give niceties and I provide chit chat when appropriate but I expect neither. What I
    via u/niganayesgvna
  • 20
    do expect is professionalism. Making direct requests are always more effective, ime. If there's a deadline you have for the request then you should provide one up front. That way there can be no confusion and it holds the other party accountable for their deliverable should something go awry.
    via u/niganayesgvna
  • 21
    I don't think any of that is being mean though. Being curt is not always being rude; sometimes it's just expedient. Relationship management is really the key to knowing who you're dealing with, how to best handle them as a person, and what to expect from them, ime. If it's interacting.
    via u/niganayesgvna
  • 22
    with someone I don't know then I maintain my expected level of professionalism because I live by my own values. I work with lots of different cultures/languages, so I don't judge people on nuanced/variable things like "niceties". I judge people on
    via u/niganayesgvna
  • 23
    professionalism and hold them to account professionally when they do not fulfil the obligations/expectations for their position. People respect you if you demand respect, but that can often be achieved just by acting professionally, ime. I've found one can still be cordial
    via u/niganayesgvna
  • 24
    and be respected though; just don't expect everyone to be like you in that regard and you'll never be disappointed too badly.
    via u/niganayesgvna
  • 25
    ivy-covered 19h ago Yes. I have also worked in offices where -talking coworkers was essentially a requirement for earning respect. My last two jobs were both like this. Well, I didn't want to verbally trash my colleagues on a daily basis, I just wanted to do my job, and guess what
    via u/ivy-covered
  • 26
    job, and guess what happened.
    via u/ivy-covered

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corporate confidence Female Empowerment strong work relationships love workplace stereotypes female reddit thread Reddit girlboss dating
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