'They asked me how I could be happy being adopted when I had real siblings?': Adoptee meets biological siblings, gets criticized for not regretting being adopted

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Apr 17, 2024 6:00 PM EDT

Every adoptee has a different experience. It's easy to think of adoption as a universal good because it gives children consistent and healthy homes, but that's not always the case. Adoption can be an exploitative industry. Mothers can be coerced into giving up their children against their will. Not all adoptive homes are safe, nurturing places for their adoptive children to grow up in. There are a lot of former adoptees who resent the system that took them away from their birth parents, and I would never begrudge them that grievance. 

While some adoptees have bad experiences in their adoptive families, not all of them do. Some kids are taken away from dangerous situations, and getting adopted gives them an unequivocally good lease on life. That was the experience of 29-year-old Redditor, who was recently contacted by his biological siblings. He didn't react to meeting them the way they wanted him to, and the whole experience was a disaster. 

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  • 01
    r/AmltheAsshole u/Afraid_Lab_7694 • 1d AITA for telling my birth siblings I owe them no apology or expressions of regret for being adopted while they were kept? Not the
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 02
    I (29m) was adopted out of foster care at the age of 4. I was first placed in foster care as an 11 week old. My birth parents willingly surrendered me to the state, got me back and then lost me to CPS within a few weeks of being returned to them. Their extended families were asked if they would like to raise me and everyone on both sides who was contacted, and the list was extensive, said no. So I was placed back into foster care and after two weeks of a temporary placement I found my parents. I
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 03
    were the best parents anyone could ask for. I have three siblings from my parents. Two were their bio kids and one was also a kid they adopted from foster care. My family is very close today and it includes a very very large extended family where my sister and I adopted from foster care were treated as their own and no different than the blood grandkids. It was a very happy life.
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 04
    My birth parents went on to have three additional children who are now 22, 20 and 19. My birth siblings sought me out two years ago on social media and told me they wanted us to be a family. I expressed at the time that I had zero interest in this. A few months after this I got another DM from them but this time with a word document attached and it contained this very heartfelt explanation of how they had always been aware I existed and how their childhood had not been the best but they valued e
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 05
    asked if we could meet one time and I agreed and it happened a couple of weeks ago. They were upset that my siblings were nearby for moral support and they were upset that I did not show up ready to hug and embrace them. They asked me how I could be happy being adopted and raised in another family when I had real, blood siblings, etc. They asked me how I could express joy because of my adoption knowing this. I explained again that my life was happy and I would not trade my family for the world,
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 06
    Of course this was not what they wanted to hear and I left because they clearly wanted to argue after that. My siblings, parents as well as my wife were a wonderful support to me after this. But some fellow adoptee friends said I was too harsh and a few said most of us (adoptees) would love to have such easy access to our birth families and I was and threw them away. AITA? to mine
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 07
    ConfusedAt63 • 1d Aficionado [17] NTA, you did not throw anyone away. Your bio parents are the ones that bear the responsibility of your being adopted. They had to sign papers giving you up. They knew what they were doing. You owe them nothing. Just because they are bio related does not mean a darned thing. Family is who treats you well bc they choose to. Edit: the bio parents are wrong, not the siblings Reply 5.7k
    via u/ConfusedAt63
  • 08
    Afraid_Lab_7694 OP. 1d They actually didn't sign papers to give me up. Their rights were removed for my safety. ... 3.1k
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 09
    specialkk77 • 1d Partassipant [2] Either way their parental rights were terminated and it's despicable of them that they raised their other children thinking of you as a long lost sibling or something. It's their fault these children have expectations of you. My bio. mother did the same thing with her other children. She told them I was "stolen" from her (she willingly signed the adoption paperwork lol) and that I was their big sister and that she wanted us all to be together. A load of garbage
    via u/specialkk77
  • 10
    No_Cress8843 • 23h Partassipant [3] NTA, and don't take whatever they said to you personally. These are traumatized people, who are lashing out at someone who doesn't deserve it, as they make sense of their own childhoods and lives. It sounds like they have a lot of anger about how they grew up, are resentful and taking it out on the wrong person. The healthy one usually gets a lot of mis directed anger. ... 572
    via u/No_Cress8843
  • 11
    Avlonnic2 23h Partassipant [1] NTA. Those people came wanting something from you that you cannot give. You cannot take over as the eldest of their sibling group and be a surrogate parent to undo the lives they lived with their parents. There will never be an end to what they want from you. Your success would mean you 'can afford' to help them all out, etc. But you now have your own wide happy family that you grew up with in addition to your own little nuclear family you started. Those are your p
    via u/Avlonnic2
  • 12
    Afraid_Lab_7694 OP. 23h It is and the reason why this all happened is so wild. Like I have seen proof of it and it's still crazy to think about. Makes me SO glad CPS were smart about it and knew I shouldn't be with these people again. ↑ 334
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 13
    Miss_airwrecka1 • 23h Do your bio siblings know the full story of why you were removed? NTA for not wanting a relationship with them but if they don't know the full story I can see why they have a different perspective. However, you have a great supportive family and I also understand why you don't care to have a relationship with your bios ... 159
    via u/Miss_airwrecka1
  • 14
    Afraid_Lab_7694 OP. 22h I told them the story and while they acknowledge it's true, they were saying I should still have been within the family. But their relatives did not want me. I have seen it in black and white many relatives were approached and asked and not one of them said yes. So their idea of that is just fantasy and a very big. stretch. ↑ 378
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 15
    Miss_airwrecka1 • 22h That changes things. CPS doesn't permanently remove children without a very good reason. Your bios glossing over that is ridiculous. I don't know if they truly want a relationship with you, are envious that you got out with a good family and they didn't, or want something from you (money?). Regardless, I'd block them and move. on with your life and family. 247
    via u/Miss_airwrecka1
  • 16
    Afraid_Lab_7694 OP 22h Yep. And they had a good reason. I've read the police reports related to the reason too and it's very serious. 266
    via u/Afraid_Lab_7694
  • 17
    MissSuzieSunshine. 1d Supreme Court Just- [100] Ohhhh Noooo NOT the AHole NTA !!! I, too, was adopted. My birth Mother found me when I was in Uni and 'wanted me back' she kept going on and on about how I was stolen and it wasnt her fault etc. (she put me into foster care and then a year later came and gave me up completely. I was 3 at the time). My adopted parents "My parents' were wonderful. I had the best life. I had several siblings who were also adopted (from different other parents than min
    via u/MissSuzieSunshine
  • 18
    You owe NO ONE an apology and it is unacceptable for them to come at you trying to make you feel guilty or shame you into having a relationship with them. It took me FIVE YEARS to feel comfortable meeting my Bio Mother, because MY MOM was the woman who raised me, not this stranger. Do NOT feel bad or guilty or shamed or anything for YOUR feelings about YOUR life. ... Reply 1.2k
    via u/MissSuzieSunshine
  • 19
    owls_and_cardinals • 1d Professor Emeritass [99] NTA. Your birth siblings' expectations of you were not reasonable. Perhaps they had an idealized image of a reunion with their long-lost brother but these situations are so much more complex than that. It's ok to not share their mindset on the situations you each faced. There is a lot more to anyone's life than the group they were born into, and it's certainly not your fault you feel the way you do. They are effectively strangers to you, and your
    via u/owls_and_cardinals
  • 20
    Big_Metal2470 • 23h Partassipant [2] I think what they wanted was reassurance that OP was not the lucky one. If his life had sucked, adoptive parents had been abusive, they could have felt better about being raised by terrible people. It would have meant there was no world in which they didn't suffer, that it was fate, in their blood. Instead, they got confirmation that, no, there are great parents out there, OP got a set of them, and has an amazing life with people who understand that family is
    via u/Big_Metal2470
  • 21
    YouthNAsia63 • 1d Prime Ministurd [561] You have a family. You are happy. You don't want another family, but if these random people that contacted you had been a little less demanding that you be happy and wanting shove it down your throat that they are your family and, hey, we want an apology for making it seem like you don't want them... well, maybe you would warm up to them, gradually. They might have known about you, all along. But as far as you are concerned, these people came out of the wo
    via u/YouthNAsia63
  • 22
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