'She married a useless man': Unemployed husband refuses to help with young child, forces wife to beg well-off friend for free childcare

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  • 01
    r/AmltheA hole 3 hr. ago Fresh-Cucumber-980 AITA for telling my friend it's not my problem she married a useless man?
  • 02
    I(32F) am a single mother of two kids (6M and 5m F). I am a single mother by choice (my kids are donor conceived). I am lucky enough to have a good job (French teacher in a private school), and a paid off house (parents' life insurance and inheritance).
  • 03
    Before I had either of my kids, I made sure to have a year's living expenses saved, then I would take a sabbatical to recover from birth, as well as bond. with my kids. While on sabbatical, I still tutor some kids for some extra income. My friend (34F), just had a baby 2 months ago. She is the breadwinner in her household, and her husband has been unemployed since he was laid off during COVID.
  • 04
    It was great to be pregnant at the same time, as well as having a friend with a newborn. But it has turned sour. She has been saying how jealous she is of me being able to take off a whole. year from work, how she would have loved to not worry about losing their home, how she doesn't even have a couple hundred dollars in her savings account, let alone a whole year's worth of living expenses....
  • 05
    I usually ignore it, or brush it off, because I kind of can understand the stress she is under. Well, starting about 10 days ago, she started hinting at not being able to afford daycare, and any mention of her husband taking care of their kid is brushed off. Then she started remarking on how much free time I must have, which I deflected by saying -truthfully- that being a single mom to a baby and a small kid left me no free time actually.
  • 06
    Then last night she came out with it, and asked if I could "do her a favor" and watch her kid while she's at work. I was firm, but polite, when I said that I couldn't, that I am not capable of watching two kids under 6 months. She started almost begging me, saying she can't afford daycare, and if she is not back at work, she will lose her job, and they will end up homeless. I again brought up her husband, and she said that he was not good with kids, and isn't capable of taking care of her kid.
  • 07
    I kept saying no, she kept pushing, until it escalated to her calling me heartless, and me telling her that it's not my problem she chose to have a kid with a useless man. Now she blocked me, I am feeling very guilty about what I said, and feeling like an AH.
  • 08
    owls_and_cardinals • 2h ago Eek. NTA. I think there were no here up to the point of her PRESSING you to do this favor, which she shouldn't have asked for in the first place. You're exactly right that it's not your problem that she is in this situation, and while I do think a heavy dose of empathy is important to your friendship, her having a husband who isn't employed AND cannot contribute to the child care she needs is a problem that she needs to solve.
  • 09
    It is annoying and impractical for her to think the answer here is for you to provide child care. It is dismissive of the fact that you are busy already, and you only have about 7 months remaining of the time you've allowed yourself to be on hiatus so it's a short-term solution. It's too bad that she's letting her situation cloud her judgment. You are not heartless and that was an unfair response for her to have had, and inappropriate behavior all throughout this interaction.
  • 10
    crazycatchemist1 • 2h ago Unless the husband is bedbound or otherwise physically incapable of work or childcare, he needs to pull his finger out of his and step up to parent his own child. And if she isn't going to make him, she needs to leave him and claim for child support (yes, if he's not going to get a job, this won't do much, but at least she'll have one less mouth to feed).
  • 11
    Could you have said it more kindly? Maybe, but she should have kept pushing when you said no. You are NTA, OP
  • 12
    • _mmiggs_ 3h ago You may have expressed it in a slightly harsh way, but you're not wrong. Her husband hasn't worked for several years, they had a baby together, and yet he can't actually do anything useful to help care for the baby. She has, indeed, married a completely useless man.
  • 13
    The norm is (should be) that if one parent works, the other parent takes primary care of the kids. If both parents work, hopefully they make enough to afford daycare. Her crappy husband is not your problem.
  • 14
    WhoKnewHomesteading 2h ago • NTA. Tell her when she's lucky enough to have her parents die, maybe she can have a paid for house too (extreme sarcasm here). She is no longer your friend and you need to set boundaries and exit this friendship.
  • 15
    Atlas-Rising-Up • 2h ago NTA. We all have been unemployed at some point or struggled for money, I get that. What I don't get is how her husband has been unemployed for almost four years . Even if it's burger flipping or Doordashing until something better comes along, he could've figured something out. And on top. of that, he's "not good with kids"? SHE HAD A BABY WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T GOOD WITH KIDS???
  • 16
    Maybe it was a little harsh that you called her husband useless, but he, in fact, is useless if he isn't capable of taking care of his own baby while his wife works. He needs to pick a struggle. She's mad you're not helping her and I'm willing to bet she's mad because you made her realize that having a baby with this useless man was a mistake on her part. Either way, NTA. She kept pushing, so you pushed back.
  • 17
    Dapper_Research_8268 3h ago NTA she kept pushing you until - you had to be blunt with her. She's mad because you verbalized what she already knew. If her husband isn't good with kids, then he should learn to be or go out and get a job and be the breadwinner so she can stay home with the baby. Watching your two kids and adding another baby will be a lot on you and this is your time to bond with your children.
  • 18
    banjadev 3h ago • NTA. Real-life decisions, when made without proper planning and thoughtful consideration, lead to real-life consequences. It is not your job to bail her out of a situation that she created for herself. You approached your situation with thoughtfulness and foresight. She, on the other hand, gave no thought whatsoever to her situation. Knowing he would have been useless even before she got pregnant, she still decided to put herself at risk.
  • 19
    • laurasdiary 3h ago NTA Sometimes the truth hurts and what you said was the truth. She was wrong to pressure you, insult you, and put you in the position of having to point out to her that her husband has had no job for years, fails to contribute to his family's wellbeing, and refuses to care for his own children.

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