40 of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (June 29, 2024)

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  • 01
    ely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me 1:56 PM 6/24/24 From Earth • 724K Views 1.9K Reposts 89 Quotes 28K Likes 806 Bookmarks
  • 02
    A. Jack McKenzie @jackmckenzie5 Doesn't seem like a fair matchup but I'll be rooting for her Carly Rae Jepsen Friday, July 19 at 6:45pm vs. Cincinnati Reds Two-time GRAMMY-nominee and 20-time Platinum certified Canadian 11:27 AM 6/22/24 From Earth • 1M Views . 2.3K Reposts 87 Quotes 44K Likes 635 Bookmarks
  • 03
    lauren @Very__Regular whoever coined the phrase "righty tighty, lefty loosey" was probably the greatest communicator in the history of the english language. do you think he had to workshop it to get it there or do you think inspiration struck him like a bolt of lightning . 6:32 PM 6/24/24 From Earth 1.2M Views .
  • 04
    NWJoey ❤ @DJLeMVP Still can't convince me this isn't Cillian Murphy D on ANGELES 10:59 PM 6/22/24 From Earth 3.2M Views 3.6K Reposts 278 Quotes
  • 05
    kourtney @kourtneyinhell Husband found a parking spot right in front of the packed aquarium today and immediately was like "this is a parking spot you'll remember forever" and has managed to talk about it all day. Has also said "how about the parking spot though" about 30 times so far • 3:58 PM 6/24/24 From Earth 1.7M Views • 1.1K Reposts 495 Quotes 50K Likes 1.4K Bookmarks
  • 06
    دکلن | Déaglan @PresidentIRE No im sorry what the heck have I just found on Etsy a Chernobyl humidifier????????? 3:09 PM 6/22/24 2.1M Views
  • 07
    Maddie! @MadHatterMommy My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up Me: excuse me, I am not that old My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons? 8:52 AM 6/24/24 16K Views 56 Reposts 2 Quotes 739 Likes 8 Bookmarks
  • 08
    Drew Garrison @DrewGarrison Just know I'll let the entire power grid go down and ruin all of our lives before my thermostat is set at 78°. THERMOSTAT RECOMMENDATIONS 78°F when you're home 85°F when you're away SOURCE: ENERGY SYAR 82°F when you're sleeping TIPS ON CONSERVING ENERGY THIS WEEK 6:51 PM 6/19/24 From Earth • 1.4M Views 2.1K Reposts 549 Quotes 27K Likes 429 Bookmarks
  • 09
    jim fear @nickhexum311 Dudes rock so severely Jhostynxon Garcia Positions: Centerfielder, Rightfielder and Leftfielder . Bats: Right Throws: Right 6-0, 163lb (183cm, 73kg) Team: Boston Red Sox (minors) Born: December 11, 2002 (Age: 21-193d) in San Fernando de Apure, Venezuela Full Name: Jhostynxon Alirio Garcia Nicknames: The Password View Player Info from the B-R Bullpen 5:26 PM 6/21/24 From Earth • 1.5M Views
  • 10
    DonutHawk @StruggleDisplay Everyone's gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon • 11:09 AM 6/24/24 11K Views • 78 Reposts 3 Quotes 222 Likes 7 Bookmarks
  • 11
    Stone Cold Jane Austen @AbbyHiggs what's wrong, babe? You haven't touched your feetza 10:19 AM 6/21/24 From Earth • 3M Views
  • 12
    @tom_on_here The hot dog eating contest should be about who can eat one hot dog the best 3:14 PM 6/11/24 From Earth 1.2M Views . • 2.1K Reposts 141 Quotes 35K Likes 550 Bookmarks
  • 13
    W.E.B. DaBoi @Tyre_94 Sent a joke to my work crush over Teams and I heard her audibly laugh from her desk. This is what cocaine feels like. 3:58 PM 2/7/24 From Earth ⚫ 10M Views • 16K Reposts 1.5K Quotes •
  • 14
    michael @FilledwithUrine she posted a selfie and i started applying for higher paying jobs i got an interview on monday 3:06 PM 6/21/24 From Earth • 3M Views 13K Reposts 1.5K Quotes
  • 15
    Alexander Luckmann @A_Luckmann Sorry but this quote is insane "He spent his life looking over his shoulder but he forgot to look both ways before crossing the street," one police source said. NEW YORK New York Post Metro @nypmetro 5h Genovese mobster 'Tony Cakes' ID'd as elderly NYC pedestrian decapitated by DOT truck trib.al/ OdyFCfy Mobster arrest in 2005 6:32 PM 6/21/24 From Earth. 1.4M Views YPD
  • 16
    Lucky @LuckyMcGee McGee Out with the old, in with the new. HULU & *HAWK TUAH* NETFLIX & CHILL 8:19 PM 6/20/24 From Earth • 3M Views 4.6K Reposts 197 Quotes 38K Likes 2.2K Bookmarks
  • 17
    ratchel @girlmeat5557 not to be "that guy" but wheelchair users are not starved for places to sit down ⚫spooky.girl.cassiopeia.TM @sadgirlca.... 2d this is not pro-disabled. this is anti-homeless architecture disguised as disabled accommodation. do not be fooled. 11:43 PM 6/19/24 From Earth 8.2M Views •
  • 18
    Kyla Jenée Lacey ❤ @Kyla_Lacey I never understand when celebrities (the rich) get DUIS. Do you not have Uber money? Baby, you are famous, hitchhike if you have to! 12:45 PM 6/18/24 From Earth 3.9M Views 6.8K Reposts 472 Quotes
  • 19
    Portia m McGonagal @PortiaMcGonagal "Ladies, I heard you were choosing the bear..." Sauvignon Black @barb_sl.2d I've never seen this bear up close before and today he really showing off. 9:32 AM 6/18/24 From Earth 2.4M Views • 9K Reposts 69 Quotes 99K Likes 1.3K Bookmarks
  • 20
    kaya in my artblock era @parivolans Time for the annual billionaire sacrifice to the sea gods Dexerto @Dexerto. 2d OceanGate co-founder is organizing a trip to a 663- feet deep "unexplored" sinkhole in the Bahamas 10:00 PM 6/20/24 From Earth • 12M Views
  • 21
    m@thew @TweetPotato314 dr: what happened here me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him dr: why me: wasn't his birthday I guess 4:18 PM 1/19/21 352 Reposts 8 Quotes 3.6K Likes 19 Bookmarks
  • 22
    Kyle✰✰ @KyleMorgenstein this is just a taxi. what you're describing is a taxi. what are we doing here man. Hardeep @hardeep_gambhir -1d First day, I got out of the Airport and I saw the ‘Uber Zone'. Instead of booking an Uber and finding it, you simply book an Uber and go to the first car in the queue of cars, tell your PIN to the driver and off you go to your destination. No waiting time. Uber Zone ↑ UberGo ↑ UberXL ↑ UberPremier Elephant Design Pvt Ltd ಉಬರ್ ಝೂನ್ 4:44 PM 6/21/24 From Earth ⚫ 3.
  • 23
    Manguard Roy van Rijn ⭑> @royvanrijn Fact: A lot of Dutch laptops have this special tray to warm up your stroopwafel. 1:33 PM 6/23/24 From Earth 141K Views • 300 Reposts 33 Quotes 3K Likes 120 Bookmarks
  • 24
    LACOSTE EP @epark1016 When I ask God to accelerate my blessings, this is what I mean... #LakeShow THE ARTON SHOW LIVE JJ REDICK CAREER HEAD COACHING HISTORY Brooklyn Basketball Academy-2023-24 Volunteer 4th Grade Boys Head Coach Los Angeles Lakers-2024-25 Head Coach LAKERS FORKING XING Lakers hiring Redick a good move? To sign 4-yr deal with team | No previous coaching experience notions, while Haney (31-0,15 KO) has undefeated record reinstated following decision • 2:58 PM 6/23/24 From Earth 1.
  • 25
    Tino @waterlover97 Turns out my boss has a low IQ and is unable to comprehend conditional statements. They should probably put me in charge instead Yo, assuming will be late today do you want me to wait here till he arrives in case the 5:30 comes in early? Did he told you that he will be late? No, just assuming cause he often is. It's not a problem either way, I just wanted to check with you Usually, he texts me if he is running late. For sure, I'm not saying he's definitely going to be late. I'
  • 26
    Pete @Pete_Martuneac If Twitter was invented in 1939 m@downbadbears. 1d poland has the worst defense 1:51 PM 6/21/24 From Earth 2.6M Views •
  • 27
    bfa agonistes @superloafcat Why would he do this Obelisk, a Queen's Guard horse, who used to lure pigeons to him by dropping oats from his mouth. When they came close, he would stomp them to death. He was eventually taken for additional 'psychological training'. 10:13 AM 6/24/24 From Earth ⚫ 2.3M Views
  • 28
    Antonio @Antonio121 The Habsburg Cup 3rd Place Ranking Pos Team Pld GD Pts 1 Austria 2 1 3 2 Slovakia 2 0 3 3 = Hungary 3 -3 3 4 Slovenia 2 0 2 5 Croatia 3 -3 2 6 Czech Republic 2 -1 1 - View latest UEFA Euro 2024 table >
  • 29
    A Flat Place Noreen Masud Noreen Masud @NoreenMasud absolutely devastating captioning here from the BBC website Justin Timberlake admits 'tough week' after arrest GETTY IMAGES The Cry Me A River singer was arrested on Tuesday ALT 3:24 AM 6/23/24 From Earth • 2M Views
  • 30
    O.A @snrmanOA Even my own story, I'm the villain. @ihyriel 6/13/24 Are you the villain in anybody's story? 8:54 AM 6/14/24 From Earth - 4.2M Views • 26K Reposts 573 Quotes 72K Likes 3.1K
  • 31
    Ana Mostarac @anammostarac Asking what happened when I actually already know every detail from my network of rats. TELEFILM CANADA 6 T TORONTO INTERNAN FILM FESTI SEPT 7-16 TELE CAN
  • 32
    Austen Allred @Austen It's kind of crazy that the Germans were like "lol this Lenin guy has such bad ideas that if we send him back to Russia he'll destabilize and maybe eventually collapse the country" and they were totally right 11:39 AM 6/22/24 From Earth 379K Views . 350 Reposts 34 Quotes 9.2K Likes 609 Bookmarks
  • 33
    This Went To Holy Moly Donut Shop MILLIY⭑N @blackhautte • 4/24/24 I only went cause the hot sign was on.... Krispy Kreme what da FCK is this??! 76 ни *
  • 34
    I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids Whenever my Mother-in-Law's stories end with "And I turned out OK" I'm looking around like who's gonna tell her • 10:14 AM 6/24/24 26K Views • 62 Reposts 810 Likes 22 Bookmarks
  • 35
    Dividend Hero @HeroDividend Follow ... Me after receiving $1.32 in dividends on a position that is down 40% YTD From J4 9:44 PM 6/20/24 From Earth 4M Views •
  • 36
    sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.* iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life. 1:24 PM 6/24/24 20K Views 93 Reposts 2 Quotes 687 Likes 13 Bookmarks
  • 37
    mom mom mom mom mom @notmythirdrodeo my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I'm still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, "I'm just waiting for the lollipop to kick in” 7:39 AM 6/24/24 5.2K Views 25 Reposts 190 Likes 1 Bookmark
  • 38
    Hollie Harris ❤ @allholls *7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.* 7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger? 8:45 AM 6/24/24 12K Views 44 Reposts 3 Quotes 457 Likes 8 Bookmarks
  • 39
    Bob Golen @BobGolen Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific. 7:30 AM 6/24/24 70K Views 434 Reposts 24 Quotes 2.3K Likes 72 Bookmarks
  • 40
    BarryRoland19 @BarryRoland19 Wife: <calls the fire department bc we have a rattlesnake in our backyard> 4 firefighters show up Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they'll leave you alone real simple Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys? Check mate 11:40 PM 6/22/24 626K Views 614 Reposts 40 Quotes 23K Likes 325 Bookmarks

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