‘You’re not part of the family’: After Dating For 7 Years, Woman is Excluded From Fiance’s Major Family Function, Causing Family Dispute

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Briana Viser • Writer and Editor
Jul 28, 2024 3:00 PM EDT

Welcome back internet enthusiasts. These days, there's not much difference between how people perceive marriage and dating. It wasn't always like this, and in some areas of the world which are less progressive, they still acknowledge the legalities of marriage as being on a pedestal compared to dating. We've all heard the phrase, 'dating ain't marriage.' Though, I think monogamy is monogamy, people don't always see it this way. 

Take the couple in this Reddit story; they've been dating for 7 years or more, they live together, they've always very much been there for each other. This dynamic, however, isn't enough for his family. Because they're not married yet, the family just doesn't include her in events. Though she's tirelessly been overly involved in their lives, they have outed her. At least her partner is on her side, but maybe there's something else going on. Read the full story below to know if there's an underlying cause, or if they just don't like her. 

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  • 01
    • r/TrueOffMyChest ⚫ 1 c Green_Box_2500 My SO's family deliberately left me out at an event I took multiple days off work to be present for
    via u/Green_Box_2500
  • 02
    My(32f) and my SO (30m) have been, at minimum, friends, for 7 years. We've been outright dating for 2.5, and living together for over a year. I moved 800 miles away from my city that I love to be with him, and 2 months after moving in together, he was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, and we got through
    via u/Green_Box_2500
  • 03
    that together. We are getting married this spring, and the only reason we aren't married yet is because of cancer and chemo delaying that and other major life events. I've been very involved with the family, coming along for every event, cooking for holidays, single-handedly picking out and paying for all gifts for holidays
    via u/Green_Box_2500
  • 04
    and birthdays, and even grew a bunch of plants from seed for SO's mom's garden this season, just to be generous. Point being, this is very much an established relationship and not a 'flavor of the week will-they-won't-they' type deal.
    via u/Green_Box_2500
  • 05
    SO's family live about 3 hours away from where we live. His little sister got married earlier this month, and of course we planned to visit for multiple days around that event. I had to use PTO, and since I work in sales, being out of office means I'm not making those sales and earning those commissions. I also had to buy a
    via u/Green_Box_2500
  • 06
    dress (black tie dress code), I had bought and sent gifts at the half- dozen showers they had done up to this point, and being where they're from geographically, they expect you to write a check as well. All of this together, attending was not a half-hearted affair.
    via u/Green_Box_2500
  • 07
    The wedding was on a Saturday, and we arrived on a Wednesday night. On Friday night, we were given an insane typed-up hour- by-hour schedule of where and what we each are expected to be doing on the wedding day. Just from the look of it, we knew this was largely the work of the control freak older sister, but my
    via u/Green_Box_2500
  • 08
    side of the schedule consisted of being expected to sit at SO's parents' house completely by myself for a cumulative total of about 6 hours throughout the day, while everyone else was off having family hang-out time without me. I was offended, shocked, and hurt. My SO kept
    via u/Green_Box_2500
  • 09
    insisting it wasn't because they didn't see me as part of the family, that they probably just thought I wouldn't want to go all over with them all day and instead would prefer to chill 'at home' (not my home, though, mind you). I knew this was absolutely not the case but I put on a brave face and smiled and
    via u/Green_Box_2500
  • 10
    went along with it regardless, so as not to create drama and make the day about me.
    via u/Green_Box_2500
  • 11
    A couple days after we went home, though, this was still seriously bothering me. My SO suggested we confront his older sister about it via a three-way text message, so I kicked it off by laying out how I thought it was extremely rude to treat me that way and pointing out that there was no real reason I couldn't have
    via u/Green_Box_2500
  • 12
    been present with my partner during those hours. Knowing her personality, I knew she would get defensive, and I knew she would confirm exactly what I had been telling my SO: that despite everything else, they don't consider me part of the family. because we aren't legally married.
    via u/Green_Box_2500
  • 13
    My SO stuck up for me, so hey, I love that, even if it didn't really make any difference to his family, but I just don't feel like this is an offense I can ever truly forgive.
    via u/Green_Box_2500
  • 14
    InfamousCup7097 • 1d ago Don't go to any more family bs and don't invite them to your stuff. If you want to get married elope. They don't consider you family then don't waste your time, energy, vacation, money, or anything else on them ever.
    via u/InfamousCup7097
  • 15
    FigNinja 1d ago I'm curious about this half- dozen showers thing. I've never heard of people doing such a thing. How is that not regarded as crass, mercenary, gift-grubbing?
    via u/FigNinja
  • 16
    reads_to_much • 22h ago Your partner let you down in a massive way when he allowed you to be excluded and didn't step up there and then.
    via u/reads_to_much
  • 17
    I'd make it clear they are not welcome at events you throw, and you won't be attending any of theirs after this... He needs to man up and stand up for you with them. A text after the fact is too little too late..
    via u/reads_to_much
  • 18
    m... • 23h ago • Edited 9h ago Drop the rope, including gift buying, growing seeds, helping and visiting, leave those things to your SO from now on. The way they behaved and treated you was downright cruel and offensive! If you go along with it you'll just be their
    via u/m
  • 19
    with it you'll just be their doormat. Edit my spelling was awful
    via u/m
  • 20
    Significant-Owl5... 23h ago It's a tough lesson some people gotta learn.. at least you learned it early on op I know maybe you wanted to be with someone's whose family accepts you into theirs but some people are just not like that
    via u/Significant-Owl5
  • 21
    Stop kissing their butts and involving yourself.. Talk to your partner now and tell him since the line has been drawn you will accept it but for people not to be shocked and hurt when you play your role that they gave you
    via u/Significant-Owl5
  • 22
    Dry-Clock-1470 • 21h ago Your husband should have called that out before. Not after. I can't believe he went along with it. F that.
    via u/Dry-Clock-1470
  • 23
    DubiousPeoplePI... • 23h ago Is this just her stands or have you confirmed that all the in laws feel the same? If they do then guess you can make up some arbitrary rule on what you consider family too.
    via u/DubiousPeoplePI
  • 24
    Wedding dress shopping? Just for "family". Wedding party. "Family". Godparents for your future kids. "Family". And guess you'll be stepping back from buying any gifts or helping them in any way.
    via u/DubiousPeoplePI

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