‘Never get your in-laws involved in an argument’: Married Couples Share the Best Advice They Have for Newlyweds in an Eye-Opening Discussion

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Bar Mor Hazut • Senior Editor
Aug 17, 2024 8:00 PM EDT

There are so many things I wish I had known before getting married. I don't regret the journey that my husband and I have been through, and I am very thankful for every lesson we learned along the way, but some days I wish there was a marriage guidebook that we could simply follow.

Imagine – Arguing about what to eat for dinner? Let's open the guidebook, chapter 3, titled 'Dinner Issues', and there will be written the answers to all our problems. Don't know what to get your spouse for your anniversary? Open chapter 15, 'Anniversaries', and there you have a list of options.

There are so many people with experience, who lived and learned, and know what you should and should not do in a marriage, and it seems wasteful not to properly use all that knowledge to help newlyweds who have no idea what they just married into.

Maybe this AskReddit discussion is the first step, as you can find a lot of helpful advice down below. After you are done scrolling through those, click here for a story of a woman who rejected her boyfriend's wedding proposal, 10 years into their relationship.

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  • 01
    What is the best marriage advice you have for newlyweds?
    via u/crazyplantladyxo
  • 02
    PromiseMental275 • 2d ago As someone who is divorced and made mistakes I told newlyweds sitting at a bar next to me however stressful things get never get your in-laws involved in your arguments
    via u/PromiseMental275
  • 03
    • Bluezephr 2d ago Resentment is the silent relationship ker. If you feel it, talk about it, and be ready to act if your partner feels it. Once resentment hits a certain point, there's no recovery.
    via u/Bluezephr
  • 04
    • vivid-glow 2d ago Communicate like you're both on the same team and remember: sometimes 'I'm sorry' is more powerful than 'I told you so. Oh, and never underestimate the power of taking turns choosing what's for dinner!
    via u/vivid-glow
  • 05
    That_Ol_Cat 2d ago Do chores together. My wife and I fold laundry together, often cook together, typically we d flowerbeds together and clean the house at the same time. The sense of working together to maintain or improve your living conditions forges good bonds.
    via u/That_Ol_Cat
  • 06
    Kinda_Ok_Upstairs • 2d ago Throughout marriage you and your partner with inevitably change over time. It is important to make a conscious effort to adjust and change together. Be flexible and learn to bend some as rigidity leads to breaking. Also communication is incredibly important both in the words you say and how you say them.
    via u/Kinda_Ok_Upstairs
  • 07
    ❤❤ Gaping Troll • 2d ago Marriage isn't 50/50 effort, it's 60/40 with both of you trying to be the 60.
    via u/Gaping**Troll
  • 08
    Mizerooskie 2d ago • Date your spouse. Don't use marriage as an excuse to be shut-ins.
    via u/Mizerooskie
  • 09
    trick_tickler 2d ago It should always be you and your partner versus the problem, never you against your partner. You are a team, even when you disagree with each other. Contempt is one of the four horsemen of a breakup/divorce.
    via u/trick_tickler
  • 10
    YounomsayinMawfk • 2d ago Praise in public, criticize in private
    via u/YounomsayinMawfk
  • 11
    BadWookie • 2d ago 00 Vocalize joy. My wife and I constantly just blurt out "happy" when we are enjoying a good moment.
    via u/BadWookie
  • 12
    srcorvettez06 • 2d ago The only secrets you keep should be small and good. For instance I kept the flowers I bought for my wife's birthday a secret. I hid them in the basement yesterday so I could set them up in the kitchen when I left for work and she'd find them when she got up. Or I secretly filled up, washed, and vacuumed her car.
    via u/srcorvettez06
  • 13
    nzdastardly ⚫2d ago My mom used to tell me to H.A.L.T. before I had a hard conversation, which stood for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If you are any of those things, it will be much harder to keep a rational head when having a conversation, which makes anger and arguments much easier to slide into. Have a snack, take a nap, then have the conversation.
    via u/nzdastardly
  • 14
    I_am_Orla 2d ago Have your own friends and interests outside of your marriage. You don't have to win every argument, its about give and take. Give each other space but be each others best friend. Learn to communicate instead of holding things in and getting upset.
    via u/I_am_Orla
  • 15
    Ok-Lavishness-7904 2d ago You can be awful lonely being right...
    via u/Ok-Lavishness-7904
  • 16
    16bittiger 2d ago • always have an oven pizza in the freezer
    via u/16bittiger
  • 17
    • baltinerdist 2d ago Three things: Marriage is a team sport. But it's you plus your spouse on one team, everything and everyone else on other teams. Sometimes multiple teams play together, sometimes teams play in opposition, but in everything, it's you
    via u/baltinerdist
  • 18
    plus your spouse. This goes especially, especially true when it's you against your family or friends (the fastest way to a divorce is allowing your parents, in-laws, or friends to make decisions for your team) or when it's you against a problem (the second fastest way to a divorce is to approach any given
    via u/baltinerdist
  • 19
    problem as if your spouse is your opponent instead of the problem itself). Also, decisions in a marriage require two yes and one no. If you want to move your mother in and your spouse doesn't, that's gonna end badly. If your spouse wants kids and you don't, that's gonna end badly. If you want to move seven states away and your spouse doesn't, that's gonna end badly.
    via u/baltinerdist
  • 20
    Lastly, if you ever find yourself struggling to connect with your partner when they are struggling with something, ask them which of the five As they need right now: - • Attention – all they are looking for is someone to hear them out, they need no other action at this time, and they don't even need you to respond other than acknowledging that you are
    via u/baltinerdist
  • 21
    listening. • Affirmation (or Affection) - they want you to listen and agree with them, have their back, lift them up, but that's all they need right now. Importantly, it may be the case that you don't necessarily agree with them about this issue, but right now they need to know you have their back, and you can deal with it later. This often involves a hug and reassurance.
    via u/baltinerdist
  • 22
    • Advice – they are seeking your - counsel on how to solve the problem or deal with the situation but they don't need you to do anything other than provide input. They may or may not take your advice, but they want to know you are here to help. - • Assistance they cannot solve this problem alone and they need your help to solve it mutually, working together to resolve it.
    via u/baltinerdist
  • 23
    They are going to collaborate with you on solving the problem, they don't need you to take 100% of it. • Action – they cannot deal with this problem right now and they need you to deal with it instead. They may not be able to help you deal with it, they need you to resolve it on their behalf.
    via u/baltinerdist
  • 24
    It's a stereotype but it's true that men in relationships with women tend to want to jump straight to Action when all they might actually need is for you to just listen, nod your head, and give them a hug.
    via u/baltinerdist

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