'You are literally working yourself into an early grave': Burnt-out husband works 70 hours a week in construction, freeloading wife refuses to work part-time to contribute to household

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Aug 27, 2024 3:00 PM EDT

It's hard to determine what an 'equal share' really means. For some couples, it means both working full-time jobs and splitting the household duties. For others, it means dividing up the moneymaking and the homemaking. For a lot more, it's somewhere in between. But how do you determine what's fair and what's not? There is no reliable, quantitative way to figure out who is contributing more. Sure, you can quantify jobs in hours and pay, but housework and child-rearing are more nebulous but no less demanding. The solution is usually just trust and communication. As long as you and your partner are happy, then everything is hunky-dory. 

But that's easier said than done. One couple found themselves in a situation where one of them was clearly contributing a lot more, but the other one refused to acknowledge it. But commenters were sure to set them straight. Read on for the story. 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10395039488
    via Jimmy Nilsson Masth

    Image does not depict actual subjects of the story

  • 02
    AITA for trying to make my wife get a job?
    via u/RoblesTyler1988
  • 03
    I 34m and my wife 34f have been having difficulties when it comes to her not wanting to work. I have been working a job that was supposed to just be a temporary gig to get us on our feet. I work 70 hours a week in a construction job I'm up at 3 am and I usually don't get home from work till after 7 PM When I get home, I
    via u/RoblesTyler1988
  • 04
    usually shower eat and go straight to bed I average 5 hours of sleep every night, I have been doing this for 6 years. For the last few months, I have been suffering from extreme fatigue, anxiety, and I always seem to be sick, Over the last six years that I have been working this job, my wife has been unemployed she takes care of the house and
    via u/RoblesTyler1988
  • 05
    watches my child 11 years old (from previous relationship) 3 days every other week. With the economy being the way it is and everything been so expensive. I have began trying to encourage her to get to go back to work. She is a photographer, and use to make very good money working for herself, (she still does a
    via u/RoblesTyler1988
  • 06
    couple shoots a year to stay in practice but nothing substantial) she says she wants to be a stay at home wife instead. But I have told her idk how much longer I can keep this up, because it's starting to feel like it's killing me. She mostly ignores me when I start talking about it. I recently
    via u/RoblesTyler1988
  • 07
    came to her with a list of non- negotiables I needed in my life. Which included a job that allows at least 7 hours of sleep each night. No more than 10 hour work days except on occasion, and a schedule that allows me to have a maintainable healthy
    via u/RoblesTyler1988
  • 08
    workout schedule, and ample time to spend with my child while in our care. This made her very mad because that would mean she would have to work part time as well to help pay bills to which she believes she shouldn't have to do.
    via u/RoblesTyler1988
  • 09
    She says taking care of the home/animals is just as much work as I do and that should be enough and that I am ungrateful for everything she does. AITA?
    via u/RoblesTyler1988
  • 10
    Wearealreadyhere NTA! You are literally working yourself into an early grave. This is possible divorce territory. It's time to have a very direct conversation with her and spell out the options. Do you honestly want to be with someone who treats you like this?
    via u/Wearealreadyhere
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    • Cappa_Cail 18 hr. ago THIS! OP hoping you are using birth control because this is the next excuse for her not working.
    via u/Cappa_Cail
  • 12
    mdthomas. my wife has been unemployed she takes care of the house and watches my child 11 years old (from previous relationship) 3 days every other week. So what does she do the 2 days a week when she isn't watching your child? Keeping up the house should only take a couple of hours at most.
    via u/mdthomas
  • 13
    The child is 11? The child will be at school most of the day! Your wife is a mooch. Good luck!
    via u/mdthomas
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    RoblesTyler1988 OP 22 hr. ago 3 days a week every other week, she has a full week of not watching between each week
    via u/RoblesTyler1988
  • 15
    anonanon-do-do-do. 20 hr. ago NTA. But her? I'd deposit my pay ina separate account, cancel the CC, lock my credit reports down and eat out. Eventually she will get hungry.
    via u/anonanon-do-do-do
  • 16
    Less-Classic-9021 22 hr. ago ΝΤΑ. She says taking care of the home/animals is just as much work as I do Nope. I'm a feminist and I'm well aware of unpaid labour women provide at home, but unless she literally cleans, cooks, washes, dog walks etc for 8 hours a day Mon-Fri, she's not doing a full time job. And well, if she thinks she's at work and you're the one signing her checks, tell her she's fired.
    via u/Less-Classic-9021
  • 17
    • MySocialAlt 19 hr. ago She says taking care of the home/animals is just as much work as I do Then tell her that you will take care of the home/animals and she can earn the money.
    via u/MySocialAlt
  • 18
    lunaintheskye 22 hr. ago Good luck. You took six years to do do something about it. YTA for letting her get away with this for so long. NTA for giving her a chance to fix things. I'd probably just break up with her based off the fact that she has no shame in what's she's been doing. But sure, give her two weeks to show she's turned her life around.
    via u/lunaintheskye
  • 19
    Mukduk_30.20 hr. ago I, too, wanted to be a housewife and photographer..but bills. I do photography on the side so I can work my ft job so my husband doesn't have to bust his until he dies. I love him.
    via u/Mukduk_30
  • 20
    NTA.but no offense your wife is a lazy and I feel bad for you. There is no reason for her to be a housewife
    via u/Mukduk_30
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    Kami_Sang 20 hr. ago NTA - you can't continuously be expected to do 70 hours. weekly of manual labour - that is not sustainable. Your wife is delusional if she thinks being a housewife and taking care of an 11 year old part time equates to your efforts. Do you have a large home that is spotless and you get great home cooked meals daily? Even if you do, is it worth the toll on your body especially given that you only get older?
    via u/Kami_Sang
  • 22
    You need to immediately reset the boundaries and expectations of this relationship. Frankly, with her attitude I think you need to leave. She will resent you even if she does get a job. Her attitude clearly shows you have a huge issue. At 34 you're young enough to rebuild. Find someone who values you and cares about your health.
    via u/Kami_Sang

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