Step-mother won't drive 12 and 13-year-old step-daughters to dance class 50 minutes away, painting her as the villain, she wonders if she's wrong: 'Their mom's negativity changed how they treat me'

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Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Oct 14, 2024 10:00 PM EDT

Family dynamics are always tough, even in the best of circumstances… 

Parenting teenagers is difficult enough when they're your own flesh and blood or they're otherwise your sole charge and are obligated to follow your direction. It gets infinitely more difficult when you have another adult who is influential in your life—especially one of their parents who is undermining you and just generally poisoning the well and encouraging them to be toxic towards you at every possible chance. You'd think people, as grown adults, would be a little more mature, fitting with their age. 

This stepmother thought she had been managing to achieve a good relationship with her two stepdaughters, aged 12 and 13, until their mother's continuous toxicity poisoned them against her.

Things came to a head when the girls began requesting to attend some new dance classes that were 50 minutes away (each way), and somehow, the stepmother found herself on the hook for making that long journey, which would take a significant part of her day, with her husband agreeing that she'd handle it wout asking her permission.

When she objected, she was treated like a villain, like some sort of archetypical evil stepmother. Wondering whether or not she was wrong, she turned to this online community to share her story and get outsiders' opinions on the situation. See her account of events below and decide for yourself whether or not she was in the wrong.

Step-mother won't drive 12 and 13-year-old step-daughters to dance class 50 minutes away, painting her as the villain, she wonders if she's wrong: 'Their mom's negativity changed how they treat me'

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    Image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Image is for illustration only and subjects are models.

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    AITA for refusing to help get my stepdaughter's to their newest extra curricular activity? My husband has two daughters (13 and 12) with his ex-wife. They have been divorced for almost 11 years and we have been married for 7 years and share two kids together ages 6 and 3. His ex-wife is not currently remarried but she did marry twice since the divorce and has two additional children ages 9 and 5.
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    The co-parenting relationship is very unstable and changeable. Some decisions need to be made via mediation. Others they can agree on to a point. While a few were taken to court for a judge to decided for them.
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    My relationship with my stepdaughters was good until 3 years ago when their mom's negativity changed how they treat me. They have expressed that they know their mom doesn't like me so they won't like me anymore either. This has been discussed in court and in therapy and nothing has changed. They continue to treat me differently than before. They don't get away with disrespect but they still are way more than before and they're colder with me in general.
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    Now onto the issue where I want to know if I'm TA. My husband and I are typically really good. about communicating and he is a supportive husband and father and has done a good job of keeping me out of his ex-wife's way so she can't say to me and also standing up for me. I don't join them for talks about the girls. That's him and his ex but my husband and I will discuss it.
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    A few months ago the girls said they wanted to take new dance classes 50 minutes from our home. They already do ballet, dancing for fun (which is free) and gymnastics. But these dance classes are different. They're also more expensive than the other extra curricular's they do. I told my husband I thought the new dance classes were too far and too expensive
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    and I said they would not work with the schedule we already have. But when he and his ex sat down to discuss it he agreed to these new dance classes which he and his ex will split 50/50.
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    When he told me I wasn't thrilled, because he didn't tell me he was going to agree to them. But I know it's not my decision. But I told him I could not and would not help get the girls there. He told me we'd figure something out. The girls were back with us two days after this talk and they said their mom told them I didn't want
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    them to do these dance classes and to be me because I don't have a say because I'm not their parent. My husband told them not to speak to me like that. He was unable to get his parents to take the girls to the new classes so he wanted me to do it. I put my foot down and said no. He said he can't because he has to work. I told
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    him I have to drop our 6 year old off at his extra curricular that day and it would not work with time. My husband asked his ex if she'd bring them every week and she's saying I'm such an for not driving them and how dare I think I get any say in this. That I need to do what the kids want and stay out of their way otherwise. AITA?
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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they le: might be the a I refused to bring my stepdaughter to their new extra curricular activity and even when my husband couldn't find a second choice I would not do it. This might make me TA because I signed up for being a stepmom and I did not do everything to make
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    sure they could get to these classes which might be overly childish and unfair because it punishes the kids more than the adults if they can't make it.
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    Louis V25 • • 10h ago Edited 9h ago • NTA. You defend your husband but he's part of the problem. 1. Your husband should have never told his ex/kids that you thought negatively of the class, especially without the context that it's too difficult for them to get there. 2. Your husband clearly didn't hear you when you said you wouldn't take them.
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    3. You don't have to be part of hubby/ex's conversation but then hubby/ex cannot make you part of the plan. 4. Tell hubby that your conversations with him need to be confidential. 5. Tell hubby/ex/girls that the girls cannot disrespect you and then think they can have their hand out for anything other than the meals you cook at home.
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    JustAMuggle94 10h ago • • NTA - You're not part of the plan, so your help is unnecessary. You have your own children to worry about. Mom wants to continue to advocate for hate, then literally just do what duties need to be done when they are physically in your home. Feed them and make sure they have water and electricity. That's it. Dad also needs to buck the and remind his ex that if she wants her kids to hate you, you're not doing the extra. He can fight with her about the kids but not about r
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    Useful_Context_2602 10h ago • NTA. Blended families are hard work and it's a two way street. Those girls don't respect you but want your help. That would be a big no from me.
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    . C_Majuscula 10h ago NTA. They (husband and his ex) don't involve you directly in the decision-making, so they can't make demands or assumptions after the fact. Fifty minutes one way to a class is WAY too long and you are right to say no.
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    One-Childhood432 10h ago . You cannot be at 2 places at one time. You have to take your 6 year old. You don't have a stepdaughter problem, you have a husband problem. That woman did not out of the blue for no reason start disliking you. He has told her something you said maybe about her in privacy. He had no reason to tell them about your feelings on the dance classes except to score
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    brownie points with them and show he was going against you. You need to keep an eye out for that in the future. Explain that to them directly yourself, via group text. No more trusting him to speak honestly about it. Tell her you were against it because you knew this would happen and you can't help facilitate and Hubby knew this before he agreed. You have a prior commitment to the 6 year old. Clearly, they think you are just being reasonable.
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    East_Parking8340 • 10h ago. Absolutely NTA. The ex is vindictive and looks to get petty victories over you, regardless of the cost on her children. Frankly, they agreed to the classes. (against your urging and warning) so they have the duty to work out the logistics. In the same way you aren't their mother or even a maternal figure (due to the ex) you do not have the responsibility to do what a mother would do.
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    It doesn't seem unlikely that the class and its location were deliberately chosen to either make you the bad guy or to cause the most disruption to your schedule and life (I'd be interested if you did a quick search to see if there were any local studios that could fit the bill). Your husband need to find the resolution and not expect you to do everything for him.
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    • blueflash... • 9h ago Edited 9h ago • NTA. But your husband is. This is just a power play on behalf of the ex. You need to do what the kids want? Er, no. Did this start when her 3rd marriage failed by any chance?
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    Why was this not discussed with you before he agreed? It's time and money that impacts your family. Why is he telling the ex that you can't take them and you didn't want them to go. It's NONE of her business and she's just used it to weaponise against you. Those conversations MUST NOT be discussed with her. Maybe it's fine that you don't join them for talks about the girls, but he needs to not make any decisions about the time they are at your house without consulting you first.
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    = to be me because I don't have a say because I'm not their parent". He 'told them' not to speak to you that way? That's it? How about some consequences? Like - girls due to your behaviour you don't get to go to the classes at all. You said they 'don't get away with disrespect'. They do actually, I think you've become a frog in the hot water and haven't noticed how bad it is.
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    You need to withdraw to care and feeding only. It then makes any 'decisions' about what happens easy if it involves you it doesn't - happen. You can't 'get in the way' that way.
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    And if their disrespect continues/escalates there needs to be a conversation about them not coming to your home. It's not good for you or your children to be exposed to this, and you certainly don't want your kids to think the behaviour is ok. It's just bullying and it should not be tolerated in your home. Husband needs a wake up call.
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    anonymous_for_this 10h ago "she's saying I'm such an . for not driving them and how dare I think I get any say in this. "I Yeah, no. How dare she think that she has the right to allocate OP's time and effort? OP has the decision-making power here. NTA
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    . GeorgeGnarlin 10h ago • You're not an Ex wife? Yeah, she's got a bigger sphincter than a sink hole in Florida. Sometimes as a step-parent, we gotta put our foot down and stand firm on This, my friend, is . Stand your ground!
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    Boobookittyfhk 10h ago. • . If you don't get to say then you don't have to do the work for it. If you're not considered a parent then why are you doing all this work for kids that aren't yours?
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    Reasonable_Tenacity 10h ago • • NTA. JFC, my first reaction is that all of these people, including your husband, are horrible. If your husband and his ex want their girls to take dance lessons 50 minutes away, then they need to figure out how to get them there themselves - w/o involving anyone else not in the decision making process. A necessary rule in your household is that you can only volunteer yourself to do something - you can't volunteer someone else. - Stand your ground. You do not have
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