'Spending quality time with us doesn't matter to him': Inattentive husband asks 38-weeks pregnant wife to leave his birthday party early, wife refuses to attend

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Oct 27, 2024 3:00 PM EDT

Birthday parties should be all about the birthday haver. It's their day to do whatever they feel like doing. They get to choose what food they eat, what activities they do, and who is around them for it. It's the one day of the year when you get to be utterly selfish. But, you'd expect, that your wife is one person that you'd like to include in that selfishness. 

Not that you can't enjoy time with friends as well (you should), but it's probably not a sign of a healthy relationship if you want to be apart from them on your birthday. It would especially twist the knife if your partner was pregnant. That's not really a time when you want to pull away from them. But that's what happened to one couple when a birthday party brought up a lot of deeper issues in their relationship. Read on for the story.

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  • 01
    BIRDAY
    via Unsplash+ (Kateryna Hliznitsova)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story

  • 02
    AITA for telling my husband I won't be going to his birthday dinner since he asked if I would leave early anyway?
    via u/Otherwise-Throat6262
  • 03
    For context, I will be 38 weeks pregnant on my husband's birthday this year. The previous week, I reluctantly allowed his sister to pick my daughter up from school so she could spend the day with her and his parents (she does half days still). I say reluctantly because they have continuously crossed parental boundaries in the past, but that's a different story. It had been a while, and she loves them and I truly want them to have a relationship, so I gave it another go.
    via u/Otherwise-Throat6262
  • 04
    Anyway, my husband and I went to pick her up at his parents and while there, his sister asked what he was doing for his birthday coming up. I had asked him a number of times already what he wanted to do, had thrown out some ideas for us to do as a family as well, but he never decided on anything. So, he says he doesn't have plans. She asked if he wanted her to make him dinner at her apartment then and he said yeah, that sounds good. It would be a family dinner: his parents, her partner, and our
    via u/Otherwise-Throat6262
  • 05
    Tonight, he said that we could drive separately because he doesn't want to leave early. He asked me at dinner if I would leave early with our daughter so I could put her to bed. He wants to stay and drink and smoke and be up late.
    via u/Otherwise-Throat6262
  • 06
    This majorly upset me because this whole pregnancy has not felt like a partnership what so ever. He only made one of my several ultrasounds (I'm over 35, so get a good amount of them), works almost every weekend voluntarily vs. making plans with my daughter and I, put off doing things I physically cannot do for the nursery until the third trimester I've been asking him to do since the first. I've also asked him to look into ways he can support me during birth and not a single google search has b
    via u/Otherwise-Throat6262
  • 07
    I'm not sure if I'm being the crazy pregnant lady, but it certainly feels like he just wants to do whatever he wants without any regard to me carrying this child he told me desperately wanted (I was fine with one). Our birthdays are close, the baby's due date is only two days after mine (so I'll be 40 weeks for my birthday if she doesn't decide to arrive before then).
    via u/Otherwise-Throat6262
  • 08
    So for my birthday, I don't get to do anything but be pregnant and wait for baby. It would be nice to feel like he wants to spend these special occasions with me/my daughter and I. He clearly is not empathetic to the fact that I can't go out and do these things for this period of time, so to be told to go home he can is hurtful.
    via u/Otherwise-Throat6262
  • 09
    I told him that in that case, I don't even want to be there and she (my daughter) and I aren't going to dinner. Honestly, I would not be in a mood to celebrate and just get upset anyway. But it does constantly feel like as much as he claims to be a family guy, spending quality time with us doesn't. matter to him.
    via u/Otherwise-Throat6262
  • 10
    Mindless-Fig7671 12h ago • He shouldn't be getting dronk and stoned when you are 38 weeks pregnant. It's normal to go into labor from week 37, so he should be staying sober just in case. He also sounds like a selfish j who doesn't appreciate his wife and child.
    via u/Mindless-Fig7671
  • 11
    Tired-DogMama-6262 13h ago • . I think he has emotionally left this relationship. To many red flags for things he is doing or has not done. Sounds like his family is full of jerks. I would start analyzing this situation and determine if it worth staying in. Don't be a single parent in a marriage.
    via u/Tired-DogMama-6262
  • 12
    • Tranqup 11h ago Part ipant [1] OP, your child will pick up on this, if they haven't already. That is not ok. I hope your labor, birth and recovery go smoothly. Take time to bond with your baby and heal. Then have a long hard think about your marriage. Is your husband's attitude and behavior acceptable? Willing to have not only you come a distant third to husband's work and family, but your children as well?
    via u/Tranqup
  • 13
    Apart-Scene-9059 13h ago • • Info: What is his "excuse" for missing ultrasounds and works almost every weekend voluntarily What is the odds he's working more hours to either A. make extra income before the baby or B. To supplement your income if you are currently not working.
    via u/Apart-Scene-9059
  • 14
    Otherwise-Throat6262 OP • 13h ago • Very good questions. He makes an excellent salary without the work. He has always just been very financially motivated, so he just "likes the extra money." We don't need it by any means. I've told him recently he needs to cut back a bit so we can have more of a balance between home and work. I know it makes him feel good to provide above and beyond in this way, and it's usually not a big deal to me, but I did literally have to tell him specifically not to pick
    via u/Otherwise-Throat6262
  • 15
    Artistic-Giraffe-866 12h ago • • Yep this sounds like a disengaged guy likes the idea of kids as long - as you do all the work and his life doesn't have to change a bit - sounds like you are the issue holding him back from his life - I hope things change for you but he doesn't sound like a catch
    via u/Artistic-Giraffe-866
  • 16
    Adventurous_Couple76 • 13h ago He sounds like a family guy, I suppose is the family he was born to and not to the one he builds where his attachment go.
    via u/Adventurous_Couple76
  • 17
    CarrottBacon · 12h ago • This is a tough one because I don't think asking you to put your daughter to bed on his birthday so he can chill a bit longer at his sister's after a family dinner is unreasonable. But it sounds like you are continuously let down by his underwhelming involvement, so you're keeping score and overreacting to this specific
    via u/CarrottBacon
  • 18
    situation because of being fed up over a lot of valid issues. But like, why are you having another kid with this guy? I'm 99% sure this sort of stuff is nothing new, so you can either deal with it or decide you're not gonna put up with it, but you don't need reddit to tell you if you're TA. Your husband is not going to change, but you're NTA
    via u/CarrottBacon
  • 19
    alma-azul • 12h ago. This is about a lot more than the birthday situation. It sounds like you feel unsupported in parenthood, which has led to resentment. It's only going to fester the longer you allow it to go on, and it will get much worse once you have two kids. Demand the changes that you need, otherwise you are setting yourself up for an unhappy marriage and an unhappy family life.
    via u/alma-azul
  • 20
    The ultrasound thing doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me personally. My husband was at most of them for our first child, but for our second child I think he only came to the first one. By that time we had a two year old, and he was either working or taking care of her while I had doctor's appointments (I was also over 35
    via u/alma-azul
  • 21
    so I was receiving regular ultrasounds as well). I wouldn't have expected him to take off work to make it to my doctor's appointments. But I guess different people have different expectations, and if it's something that's important to you he should be making an effort.
    via u/alma-azul
  • 22
    cindy3003 12h ago • Nta but it would be funny if you went into labour on his birthday.
    via u/cindy3003
  • 23
    TazzmFyrflaym . 12h ago • :/ OP, are you quite sure you should be bothering with this guy in your life? because you said "works almost every weekend voluntarily vs. making plans with my daughter and I,". "my daughter" you said, not "our daughter". you dont feel like your current child is also his child? i think you're NTA, but as others have noted your husband seems kind of checked out of things. how can he be excited about a new child if he isnt making any effort for the child that is already t
    via u/TazzmFyrflaym

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