Husband Finds Deleted Texts Between Wife and Her Coworker After Observing Suspicious Behavior, He Questions Their Marriage When She Refuses to Let Him See Her Phone: ‘I’d rather cut contact than let you see my phone’

Author image for Briana Viser
Briana Viser • Writer and Editor
Nov 2, 2024 1:00 PM EDT

Any healthy relationship should be predicated on trust, loyalty, and honesty. There's no excuse for lying to your partner's face, or hiding things behind their back. Although it may seem pedantic to have such stringent rules about betrayal, when you see the red flags that your partner could be hiding something from you or potentially cheating, there's only one answer – run! 

In this Reddit thread, the original poster (OP) is a man who has noticed some strange behavior from his wife while she's on her phone. They're used to an open phone policy, meaning each can use the other's phone if they need, and the other can see when they're texting. This rule starts to take a different shape as she starts a new job with new coworkers. She's in a small team, and they work very intimately. After he notices her behavior shift, he asks her to share her phone with him. This is the beginning of their end, but you'll still have to read the full story below for all the juicy details. 

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  • 01
    r/AITAH ⚫22 hr. ago Im_a_big_shoe AITAH for wanting a divorce after my wife refuses to allow me to read texts from new friend?
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 02
    I (38) and my wife (33) have always had an open phone policy. We share the same passcode and never once has there ever been any hesitation about exchanging phones, using each others, watching while we text, etc. It's nothing we go out of the way to do, but if we're cuddling I'm not gonna hide my screen while I text
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 03
    and vice versa. Yesterday I accidentally left my phone in the car with her when she dropped me off at work and I asked her to check my messages throughout the day and notify me if anything popped up I needed to respond to.
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 04
    A few months ago my wife started a new position within her company. She works remotely, but is on a leadership team with 3 others that she works very intimately with. She travels with them as well. Her first time meeting James in person was on a business trip about a month ago. A series of terrible
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 05
    misfortunes led to them working together into the wee hours of the morning and then sharing his room (the hotel had overbooked) for their final hours of sleep. She slept on the couch.
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 06
    Since then I've noticed her body language when texting him. If she sees me noticing she'll quickly close her screen and put her phone away. This was making me uncomfortable, but I thought maybe I was being unreasonable. About a week ago I kind of jokingly asked if she had a crush on him. Her response was denial,
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 07
    but the way she responded made me further suspicious. Then a week ago she tells me he broke up with his gf because he sees how much we love each other and he wants that kind of love.
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 08
    So two nights ago I did something I've never done before in my life. I read their messages while she slept. They go back to the day they met in person. A few things made me uncomfortable: 1. when my wife asked what they should do when they visit (the other team members are coming to our city in a week) James.
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 09
    responded with something cheeky and said, oh, right, you meant professionally. Not personally better to keep it professional. 2. James has a niche hobby in a gym and my wife lied about some of her other friends also being involved in something similar. They discussed going to the gym together and that he
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 10
    could take care of her. She responded by saying, if I did your workout routine I'd die. 3. We went to visit family this last weekend and she sent James photos of our kids (that are amazing and cute and they look so precious) that she hasn't even sent me. 4. She invited him to participate in a race that would
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 11
    take place in a different state than either ours or his. He accepted the invite. Then she asked me how I felt about her doing this race again this year, that a few people from her company would be participating and she'd like to go. She conveniently left out that James would be there.
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 12
    Yesterday morning I tell her I'm uncomfortable with their friendship. When I had asked if she had a crush she did tell me that she felt immediate friend chemistry with him and she loved the feeling of excitement she gets with their interactions. But she also became defensive and upset that I didn't trust her.
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 13
    Last night I told her I didn't trust him. That even if she's not interested I think, for a number of reasons, that he's flirting. I told her I wanted to get over my unease, and asked if I could read her messages. That's something since day one she's always told me I was allowed to do. I've never asked to do it before. She was
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 14
    livid. She said she's disgusted by how quickly I've become so controlling over her and how I've taken my discomfort from 0 to 60 over him. She says it's not about her relationship with him at all, but about how controlling I am around all her friendships. And I admit, I have been hurt by how frequently she'll go out with
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 15
    friends where I'm not invited or she'll go to a party and not invite me. We've had disagreements about this before. Because she's welcome when and where I am 100%.
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 16
    After a big blow up I went and took a shower. When I got out I asked again to see the messages. She, very ped, gave me her phone and declared, here― happy now?? Here's every thing from the beginning and had scrolled to the top.
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 17
    I immediately went to recently deleted messages and saw she had deleted 60 messages between them while I was in the shower. I said to her, why did you delete these messages between you? She asked how I knew she did? I told her I went to this section and showed her. She grabbed the phone and refused
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 18
    to let me see it again the rest of the evening. We fought more and she told me I wouldn't be allowed to look at all now. She regretted deleting them as she sees it's escalating the situation, but that she thought some messages from yesterday would upset me. They had exchanged songs and he had mentioned that one of them was
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 19
    We went to bed and I again went through her phone. Sure enough, the deleted messages were exactly what she said. Kind of the messages about the song exchanges was only 16, but she had deleted 60. I don't know which others she felt she needed to keep from me.
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 20
    This morning I asked her again to see it. I asked her again what she deleted and she doubled down that it was only the song messages. She tells me she'll cut off her friendship with James entirely before she'll ever show me the messages. She tells me any friendship she could have with him is totally tainted now by
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 21
    my controlling behavior. I tell her I can't trust her. That any reasonable human would be suspicious of their partner if they behaved the way she has around this. She told me my feelings are a me problem and she's not in control of how I feel. I told her all I need is to see them (because | want to talk about some of what I
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 22
    know with her) to feel at ease. She told me if I felt so strongly about it I had a choice to make. AITAH for wanting to divorce over this whole thing? I don't believe she's physically cheated at all. But I do feel like she's well on her way to at least emotionally cheating if this doesn't already qualify.
    via u/Im_a_big_shoe
  • 23
    slippinginto9 21h ago • OP your wife has lied both openly and by omission. What other evidence do you need to make a decision?
    via u/slippinginto9
  • 24
    Engineering Ok... • 21h ago. Top Commenter What company has male. and female employees share a hotel room? That sounds sketchy as . Also, her unwillingness to share the text chain seems to indicate she is more-stressed at being caught cheating than
    via u/Engineering Ok
  • 25
    in saving the marriage. You need to give her the ultimatum.
    via u/Engineering Ok

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