‘I ain’t reinforcing this’: Father tries to manipulate behavioral therapist daughter into uninviting her mom to her wedding, laughs in his face

Author image for Elna McHilderson
Elna McHilderson • Managing Editor
Nov 7, 2024 1:00 PM EST

When you have the epiphany that your parents aren't the best that they raised you to think they are, it is freeing. Many kids who grow up to find their parents are actually the problem, end up becoming something like a psychologist or therapist. Take, for example, this woman who had a very entitled father; she grew up to become a behavioral therapist. Good thing, too, because she was able to equip herself with those professional mental tools that she really ended up needing when it came down to her wedding. Her divorced parents struggle to get along, over the years they have somewhat found the peace, but it's still messy. This therapist was throwing a very small wedding, no more than 15 people, and she didn't want her folks to come with their new partners. Her mother was fine with that, but her father immediately started to throw a Karen-level tantrum. Unfortunately, he is still being toxic, but luckily, she is staying strong. Read the whole situation below!

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  • 01
    "By ignoring for the time being I can ride out the spike in behavior."
    via Unsplash+ (and Lydia Turner)
  • 02
    My dad is working to ruin my wedding unless I do what he says. I am getting married in May and it took exactly 1 day from when the invites went out for there to be a problem. My parents went through a pretty bad divorce. My mom literally had to leave secretly when my dad was not in town because the emotional and financial ab e was so bad. Fast forward to now, they are on
    via Attackoffrogs
  • 03
    speaking terms but it is clear my father has a ton of anger toward her. My parents are now dating new people (it's been 9 years since the divorce). But based on what both parents and their partners have said in passing, I worry about them ever meeting or being in the same place. The wedding is small (really only 15. people) and I explained to them that I would just like them there without their partners. I
    via Attackoffrogs
  • 04
    emphasized that it is small and intimate and I really only want immediate family and a few close friends there (and 2 cousins who live a town over). My dad went 0- 60 with his emotions and said that he is choosing his girlfriend over me, that he will always choose her over me. I responded that that is his choice and he can choose not to come. When antagonizing me did not work, he said he would disallow my grandmother from coming (he
    via Attackoffrogs
  • 05
    has weaponized her previously too, as she is pretty dependent on him). I got off the phone because I did not feel the conversation was productive. I am not sure how to mitigate this situation since I know my dad will pull everybody down with him. My fiance and I spoke about just canceling the wedding and eloping, which we were planning on doing prior to deciding on a wedding. Any advice?
    via Attackoffrogs
  • 06
    Edit: thank all you people for all the kind words and encouragement. We are sleeping on it and spending the night drinking tea and watching the mighty boosh. At this point I'm really only concerned about seeing my grandmother. My husband and mother have my back and that's all I need outside of that. For those of you who told me not to encourage him by giving in, I'm actually a behavioral therapist and immediately thought, "I ain't reinforcing this sh" when he said that.
    via Attackoffrogs
  • 07
    Update: dad is screaming at me. Grandma is screaming at me. We are all screaming I guess. I know as a behaviorist that if a behavior is not producing the desired. outcome it escalates until it drops off. So I'm hoping that by ignoring for the time being I can ride out the spike in behavior.
    via Attackoffrogs
  • 08
    Historical-Co... Have the wedding, un-invite your AH of a father who it seems hasn't changed one bit from when your mother escaped him, and have someone else pick up your grandmother for the wedding. Does she know her son uses her as a bargaining chip?
    via Historical-Composer2
  • 09
    Weddingstres... I would cut my dad off if he did this. He literally told you a gf is more important, and is actively trying to hurt you. He's still an abuser, why have someone like that in your life? You can uninvite him and arrange to pick your grandmother up yourself.
    via Weddingstressmeowt
  • 10
    ConnectionRound3... Change the wedding date. Go pick up your grandma for "errands" and take her to your wedding. Don't post any photos publicly of your grandma at the wedding but definitely take them. Your dad is an abuser and he is emotionally abusing you and your grandmother. I would go NC because he's already told you that you aren't a priority and he wants to hurt you emotionally.
    via ConnectionRound3141
  • 11
    fiestafan73 You said he abused your mother. Can you not see that here is abusing you? Do not allow this. Disinvite him and cut that toxic abuser from your life. You do not deserve to be treated this way by someone who is supposed to love you. NTA.
    via fiestafan73
  • 12
    www_dot_no I'm normally not on the "elope train" but ya.... I would elope here Have a party celebrating either everyone but him at a later date too :)
    via www_dot_no
  • 13
    Hoosierdaddy1964 As a father and grandfather, I want to say how sorry I am that he treats you that way. I couldn't even imagine talking to my adult children like that. You deserve so much better.
    via Hoosierdaddy1964
  • 14
    Niccels11 I fought with my mother because I didn't want my father at my wedding because he acted a lot like your father. My mom had Cinderella dreams and wanted him to walk me down the aisle. HA! This joker got angry because he needed to buy a new suit. He lost his collective mind! I told him if it was such a problem then don't show up. I'll get married anyway. And, he didn't. I was relieved. It was a very emotional and awesome day. We're still married.
    via Niccels11
  • 15
    Elope. Have the wedding. Do what you wanna do. Your emotionally immature father will live. He might be angry while he's doing it but so what? This isn't about him. Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding.
    via Niccels11
  • 16
    I-will-judge-YOU 100) Cut your piece if father from your life. Rarely advocate for cutting a family member out of your life completely even though I have done it with my parents but.I also hear about foster care so they wouldn't god awful. But he is telling you that you are not important to him. He's telling you, he will turn everybody against you. What value does he bring to this relationship.
    via I-will-judge-YOU
  • 17
    Just cut him off. I'm sorry, go talk to your Grandma.Give her your love and tell her that her son has made it impossible for you to maintain a relationship with him.And while you would like to maintain a relationship with her that will be up to her son. Put it all on him. But unfortunately you may have to cut out anyone else who is willing to listen to your father. He is a horrible human being
    via I-will-judge-YOU
  • 18
    Cheezburger Image 10425014528
    via Zealousideal_Fail946
  • 19
    a fun memory and be spontaneous. Got 1500 p/person? R/T to Hawaii - get married-stay a couple days and fly back. Contact a travel agent and give them the specs - we need to travel on these dates and our budget is p/person. Send us somewhere fun to get married. People are instructed to show up with a suitcase for 3 days travel and you announce as the limo pulls up to where everyone is going to watch you get married.
    via Zealousideal_Fail946
  • 20
    Ohio PolitiTHIC Ah look, ab ive man whose wife had to literally flee him is ab ive to their now adult child. Why do you want him at your wedding? Get someone else to pick up grandma and bring her.
    via OhioPolitiTHIC
  • 21
    DancinGirlNJ Don't give you father that much power. Uninvite him. Talk to your grandmother and let her know he is weaponizing her. I'm sure she would still want to be there. Let the venue's management know what is happening so they can be on the look out for him. Put him behind you and enjoy your special day! If you don't feel you can put him behind you then I would suggest eloping. Good luck!
    via DancinGirlNJ

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