Parents insist on keeping in contact with the ‘daughter’ they gave up for adoption over 20 years ago, she refuses to go along, leading to an intense confrontation: ‘You're not my parents’

Author image for Bar Mor Hazut
Bar Mor Hazut • Senior Editor
Dec 18, 2024 9:00 PM EST

Giving up a kid for adoption is extremely challenging for everyone involved – mainly for the child and the parents. It is not something anyone would be able to understand. The decision to give up a child is final and cannot be reversed, so parents who decide to go through with that need to be 100% sure that is what they want, which seems to be almost impossible.

For the parents in this Reddit story, it really was impossible, so they gave up their daughter while still fully believing they would someday reunite as a family. Since then, they managed to have a semi-functional relationship with the daughter they gave up, while also having another child in the process. That child is now 17 years old, and he decides to confront his parents when they keep insisting he has a sister, despite her not wanting anything to do with them.

Sounds complicated? We couldn't agree more, so scroll down to read the full story and maybe get a fuller picture of this unbelievably complicated family dynamic. 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10442880256
    via Nastasic

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for telling my parents nobody wants to hear about the daughter they gave up for adoption in front of my boyfriends parents?
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 03
    My parents had a kid before me (17m) and they gave her up for adoption because they were young (my age). They had an open adoption with her and saw her sometimes and when I was born they really pushed this idea
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 04
    that we were one family and she would live with us again and she adored me. But the memories | have of her are way different. She stuck to her (adoptive) family and only claimed her (adoptive) sibling as siblings. She used to
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 05
    tell me she didn't want me to call her my sister and she'd correct me if I called my parents "our parents" she'd tell me her parents were the people raising her. It confused me because my parents would say something different
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 06
    and I used to get a little anxious about seeing her because I felt like she didn't like me and my parents said I was wrong so it was confusing.
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 07
    It was 10 years ago that we last saw her. I forget if she was 16 or 17 by then but she told her parents she didn't want contact anymore and they told my parents the visits were going to end. My parents never got over it
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 08
    and it hurt our relationship. They kept filling me with lies about her coming to live with us and loving us and how she was still ours and she'd be back in our lives soon. They'd tell me I was wrong when
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 09
    I'd bring up how she didn't like seeing or and how she didn't like me. Even when we no longer saw her they'd say I was wrong. I feel like my parents fed me up with that stuff when I was younger. And the thing is they
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 10
    feel like our life should be focused around the child they gave up and the relationship we'll all have some day. I gave up asking why she didn't get in touch yet. She's got to be 27 now and we still heard nothing from her. They don't want to accept it.
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 11
    And they hate when people think I'm an only child and I don't correct it. They told me I need to always talk about my sister and I should be doing everything to let her know I love and miss her.
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 12
    I'm with my boyfriend (17m) now and he's great. His family is amazing too. They know I struggle with my parents. So his parents suggested inviting mine for dinner to see if they could maybe encourage my parents to
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 13
    focus on the kid they have instead of the one they don't have. But my parents talked all the time about the daughter they gave up and they kept saying how I couldn't get married until she's back and telling my boyfriend he should get ready to
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 14
    have a SIL if we stay together. My boyfriends parents would try to change the subject and my parents kept the topic of their daughter going. The breaking point for dinner was when they asked my boyfriends parents about their daughter and my
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 15
    boyfriends parents didn't know the answer. I don't talk about her much. My parents told me if I'm serious about my boyfriend they should know everything about their daughter so we can all be a family in the future and they told me they were ashamed of me
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 16
    keeping her a secret and how I need to talk about her more. I told them nobody wants to hear about her. They're the only people who want to make sure everyone knows about her and gets personal info on everything.
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 17
    I said people really don't care and they need to stop making it such a big deal. I told them I don't have to make their daughter my whole personality. My boyfriends mom tried to point out that they're pushing me
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 18
    away and they should be enjoying having me. But my parents only cared that I said their daughter shouldn't be talked about all the time. They were furious. We argued and I ended up staying at my
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 19
    boyfriends house for a couple of nights but then my parents made me go home and they said I had no business taking to them like that in front of others. AITA?
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 20
    Spirited-Ad6144 • 17h ago NTA. At this point, it looks like your won't have a daughter AND a son.
    via Spirited-Ad6144
  • 21
    Tight_Ad33... OP⚫ 17h ago Not sure they care about losing their son. As long as they can keep the dream of their daughter alive.
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 22
    Spirited-Ad6144 • 17h ago • That's even worse. They wanna trade the son they DO have for the daughter they NEVER had. I understand why the daughter doesn't want anything to do with them. If I was the son I would go NC asap.
    via Spirited-Ad6144
  • 23
    Tight_Ad3352 OP • 17h ago I'm strongly considering it. I don't see a reason to to ure myself by keeping them around me. Plus I will keep disappointing them because I'm not going to make her my whole life.
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 24
    Secret_Sister_Sarah - 17h ago NTA It sounds like they wanted to keep her but were pressured by their own parents to give her up or something. She made the decision to not see them any more, and she made the decision not to consider you her brother.
    via Secret_Sister_Sarah
  • 25
    The parents need to respect her decision not to have contact with them, and your boundary not to have her constantly looming in the air.
    via Secret_Sister_Sarah
  • 26
    Tight_Ad3352 OP⚫ 17h ago I think they also thought they could give her up and take her back when they got to a different point in their life. So when they realized it didn't work that way I think it was a shock to them and made their weird obsession with her being theirs and only theirs worse.
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 27
    colleeenbean 17h ago • NTA, maybe consider moving out?
    via colleeenbean
  • 28
    Tight_Ad3352 OP⚫ 17h ago I will when I turn 18.
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 29
    abritinthebay 17h ago. • Obsession is the right word too. I'm better both her & her adoptive parents eventually got creeped out by them enough to finally cut contact. They... need serious therapy
    via abritinthebay
  • 30
    Tight_Ad3352 OP⚫ 16h ago I think she always hated it and I'm honestly surprised contact didn't end sooner. I guess being 16/17 when all contact stopped meant she was considered old enough to really know how she
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 31
    felt. I don't think she ever wanted those visits with us. It felt like she hated them as well as us and I picked up on it back then but it was so confusing.
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 32
    Honest Weird_9715 • 15h ago NTA and I am sorry you have to go through this. I am happy you have for boyfriend and his parents. Soon your parents won't have any child anymore but it is their own fault.
    via Honest_Weird_9715
  • 33
    National_General_710 17h ago NTA - I'm so sorry OP. They really do need therapy. That's not a healthy situation for any of you. Do you have any grandparents or close family you could go live with?
    via National_General_710
  • 34
    Tight_Ad3352 OP⚫ 16h ago I don't have family close to me or family I'm close enough with to live with. I see them every couple of years and they live in different states.
    via Tight_Ad3352
  • 35
    1 Rainbow Unicorn • 15h ago • NTA. Maybe you can all see a family therapist together? They have to accept the daughter they gave up does not want to be in their lives and if they don't stop pushing you, they will loose you as well. Maybe a therapist can help them see what they are doing to you. It's not right
    via 1RainbowUnicorn
  • 36
    Tight_Ad3352 OP⚫5h ago • That's not very likely. My parents don't have the best view of therapy. And I'd rather focus on getting out in six months. If they end up wanting to work on their trauma then great and maybe then but I don't think family therapy would be good for me at all.
    via Tight_Ad3352

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family drama aita adoption drama kids mother siblings wife reddit story parenting adopted husband family sister daughter Reddit parents children
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