Mom criticizes aunt for taking her 11 and 14-year-old nieces to a Christmas theme park without their adopted 10-year-old brother who has behavioral and developmental issues: 'Flo and Ivy have expressed that they really value Ryan-free time'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Dec 17, 2024 9:00 PM EST

It's challenging to be the sibling of a kid with issues. It's easy to feel like you're not prioritized, and all the decisions your family makes revolve around the high needs of one family member. Of course, it is much more challenging to be the person who has a laundry list of needs that the world does not cater to, but that doesn't make the struggles of glass children any less important. 

The aunt in this story is a great person to have in a family like this one. She makes sure to include her nieces, who like to go to the theater and museums, in her family outings with her husband and her 12-year-old daughter. If she didn't do this, the girls wouldn't get a chance to do so because those activities aren't things their 10-year-old developmentally delayed brother would tolerate. This arrangement was all well and good until the aunt planned a girl's trip to a place the brother wanted to go to.

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    via IIONA VIRGIN

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    AITA for taking my biological nieces on days out and excluding my adopted nephew?
    via u/auntinagony
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    Throwaway. I (42F) have two nieces Flo (14F), Ivy (11F) and a nephew Ryan (10M) through my bro Tom (46M) and SIL Kate (45F). Flo and Ivy are biologically theirs and they adopted Ryan two years ago after fostering him for three years. I live locally to them, we are super close usually and have my own daughter Ava (12F) who my nieces are close to.
    via u/auntinagony
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    Before foster care, Ryan's life was awful and he has some behavioural and developmental issues. He struggles to sit through long things such as shows quietly, whether it be in the theatre or the girls' plays/ recitals so the girls rarely have both parents supporting them. His behaviour is sometimes pretty unpredictable and he sometimes has pretty loud and physical meltdowns so they have to be careful where
    via u/auntinagony
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    they take him. As such whenever me/hubby take Ava to the theatre or other activities which Ryan wouldn't like, we bring the girls along too. Sometimes Tom and Kate pay for them, sometimes we do. We have never bought Ryan out without his parents and sisters because he has really different interests to the girls, I
    via u/auntinagony
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    don't feel confident handling his behaviour and Flo and Ivy have expressed that they really value the Ryan-free time. I've made extra effort to be there since then; Ryan's a great kid but he needs a lot of attention and my nieces need people who are 100% in their corner.
    via u/auntinagony
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    Anyways, I am taking the girls to a Christmas theme park in London on Friday. It's quite an expensive one (UK readers, if you know, you know) and I have the joy of footing the bill for all three. On Sunday, I got a call from Kate asking if Ryan could come with us on Friday. He had seen adverts and heard the girls talking about it, and wants to go. She offered to pay for whatever he did. I told Kate no as I didn't know what he was like in crowds, she said he
    via u/auntinagony
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    went two years ago and loved it, and his sisters were there to help him if he was struggling. I said that wasn't fair on them, I booked it as a girl's trip and it is supposed to be a treat and I don't want it getting cut short and I don't feel comfortable parentifying the girls. I know Tom's taking Ryan to London next week so told Kate to book tickets on that day, but by that point she wasn't listening. She criticised me
    via u/auntinagony
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    for insinuating siblings caring for eachother was parentifying me, and accused me of being ableist as Ryan can't help his conditions and shouldn't be excluded, as well has being biased against the kid I'm not related to. It got very fiery and ended with me saying read the room, it's a girls day and her hanging up.
    via u/auntinagony
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    Anyways, she went to the girls and said either they ask me for Ryan to come or they can't go. Flo texted me begging to not let him come and asking if they can still join us, while Ivy is more torn up as she doesn't want her brother to be left out but also doesn't want to risk her day
    via u/auntinagony
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    being ruined. My mother, Tom and sister have contacted me saying I should bring Ryan as to not show favourites and to be inclusive. Husband is on my side. AITA?
    via u/auntinagony
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    edit to answer a few FAQs: - Tom, Kate and my husband are all working the day of the trip. I took PTO and Kate and Tom had childcare arranged. - I do spend quality time with Ryan. We live a 15 min walk away so go to their house often. Me, Ryan and Tom if he's around build a lot of Lego as it's a shared hobby and I get him a new set every birthday and Christmas,
    via u/auntinagony
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    and it's a running joke as he spends a lot of time guessing which one. I like this quality time as it's accessible and his parents are around. I just book days out around my daughter's interests, which happen to be the exact opposite of his. She's a really artsy girly girl who likes the theatre, shopping, museums, movie nights and slumber parties while he's into lego, video games and anything martial arts.
    via u/auntinagony
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    jigsawsandroses ⚫ 15h ago • Part ipant [2] NTA. You're right - Flo and Ivy need someone in their corner and are lucky to have an aunt who takes them to do stuff their brother can not. Are their parents usually not in their corner? And are they parentified?
    via u/jigsawsandroses
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    auntinagony OP • 15h ago • Their parents are in their corners a lot, when it comes to hobbies and school etc but Ryan is a tricky topic. I couldn't mention due to the character limit but there's been a few times where he has lashed out at them during outbursts and they have mentioned it to their parents, who basically tell them to be understanding as he can't help it and had a rough childhood. I do get that and he is a great kid for the most part, just hard to predict and hard to calm down. In t
    via u/auntinagony
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    putting it on the girls and the kids are close in age. Flo refuses to babysit him alone as he is nearly her height and probably stronger and the one time they tried, she walked him to mine. There were a few clashes with the school when Ivy was there as Kate tried to insist that Ivy be bought in to comfort him if he was really inconsolable and her and Tom couldn't be there and the school refused. She's now in secondary and he's still in primary so wonder what it will be like next year when he goe
    via u/auntinagony
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    mjw217 • 14h ago As the mother of an intellectually disabled daughter, I wish someone would explain to your sister (I don't know how she would take it, coming from you), that she isn't doing Ryan any favors by excusing his behavior. The cause of it is a reason, but shouldn't be an excuse. They need to teach Ryan how to function in society as independently as possible. They won't be around forever, and his sisters shouldn't be considered his caregivers.
    via u/mjw217
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    In the meanwhile, if his mom really wants him to go, she could possibly accompany him. She needs to be there to support him; this is a fun outing for the kids, his sister shouldn't have to work. The work of teaching any child good behavior rests on the parents.
    via u/mjw217
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    • Holuye 15h ago • Why is Kate using Ivy as Ryan's support animal? She needs to get her head screwed on properly because using the girls to demand Ryan joins them is going to build resentment in the long term. I hope there is some form of professional help being sought for Ryan to develop independent coping techniques that aren't his siblings.
    via u/Holuye
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    Dramatic_Attempt4318 • 15h ago Part ipant [4] Top 1% Commenter OP I really admire what you do for Flo and Ivy, and you are right in that they need people in their corner. The time they have to engage in their own interests without any external pressures is really valuable. However: ESH. You have completely omitted your nephew from any planning you've done, based on what you've said. You've never done anything solo with Ryan. Your favoritism is pretty impossible to ignore, and it's pretty certain
    via u/Dramatic_Attempt4318
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    Your sister is horning in on preexisting plans. That's not ok. She's putting her daughters in the middle. That is not ok. It is okay to do solo trips with the kids. But you absolutely have left Ryan hanging out to dry which is why this is ESH.
    via u/Dramatic_Attempt4318
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    I do not agree with your sister picking this event as her hill to di on, but I think you and she should have discussed long ago how to mimic the "girls' days out" with Ryan. Starting small so you can assess whether or not you can manage his behaviour, and then playing within the boundaries where you are comfortable - but as you seem thoughtful, considerate, and observant, I'm pretty sure you'd be able to figure out some outings for you and Ryan.
    via u/Dramatic_Attempt4318
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    This specific outing sounds like it's big, and it's possibly got a lot of risky factors for Ryan so I think it's reasonable to not be comfortable with this being your first outing with him without his parents. But I do think you need to accept that you've been showing flagrant favoritism to the girls and should step up & be better, to be more equitable in your treatment of all three kids.
    via u/Dramatic_Attempt4318
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    Novaer 14h ago Children with extreme behavioral problems aren't there for people to show how charitable they are by biting off more they can chew. OP knows she wouldn't be able to handle if Ryan had an outburst/meltdown. It's not just an "annoying child" it's a child with issues that shouldn't be gambled upon in a large public setting without his parents there to help regulate him. Hence the parentifying comments that Flo would just end up taking over.
    via u/Novaer
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    It's not fair to anyone, but if Ryan so badly wants to go to things his parents need to take him out on 1 on 1 time first. It doesn't sound like OPS sister is taking all of the kids out on her own ever, yet OP is expected to? NTA, children shouldn't be gambled with.
    via u/Novaer
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    jenorama_CA • 14h ago • I keep thinking of the safety aspect for Ryan. Granted, OP should probably have been making more of an effort to learn about the child and effective strategies to handle his outbursts, but this is not the time to learn that on the fly. He could run out into traffic, knock an old lady over, throw himself onto the ground and injure himself or any of a hundred other things. It is flat out unsafe for Ryan for OP to take him out into a stimulating, chaotic environment without
    via u/jenorama_CA
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    OP needs to be better, but I'm honestly kind of stunned that Ryan's parents don't seem to understand the danger they're putting their child in by insisting that OP bring him along.
    via u/jenorama_CA
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    Maleficent_Mistake50 Part ipant [2] • 15h ago It's a girls trip. Not even OP's husband is going.
    via u/Maleficent_Mistake50
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    BlackLakeBlueFish ⚫ 15h ago • One of the parents can go with Ryan, and support him if he's overwhelmed or overstimulated. That way, it doesn't ruin the outing for everyone else. You are a fantastic Aunt and Uncle duo. You are supporting this family with a special needs member by providing activities that they would be unable to experience with him. If the parents shut this down, it will lead to resentment. NTA!
    via u/BlackLakeBlueFish
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    lawfox32 • 15h ago Part ipant [4] ΝΤΑ. Top 1% Commenter I notice that Kate didn't offer to have her or Tom come with and make sure Ryan does okay, which would have allayed all of your concerns. Also, you're paying, so it's r de for her to ask you to pay for, and watch, another child. It doesn't sound like Kate has expressed an issue with you taking the girls and not Ryan before, so it's not fair for her to lay down ultimatums now, for an event that she already agreed to and that was already plan
    via u/lawfox32
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    auntinagony OP • 15h ago Character count didn't let me put it in but they both work on Fridays, so neither of them work. Think he's due to go to my sister's house that day but not 100% sure.
    via u/auntinagony

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