Guy Leaves Legendary Amazon Review For 55-Gallon Tub Of Passion Lube

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mattstaff
Oct 30, 2017 8:00 PM EDT

My only complaint with this unforgettable, wildly imaginative Amazon review is that everyone didn't find it helpful. At the very least this helped me have an exponentially more humorous day. Sit back and enjoy. 

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  • 01
    Product - amazon Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant 55 Gallon (317) Passion Lubes Passion WATER BASED LUBRICANT
    via James O. Thach
  • 02
    Text - Backyard Carnival of Death By James O. Thach - February 27, 2014 I'm a risk analyst for a major insurance firm, so when my wife and I were planning a birthday party for our seven year-old, Crispin, my mind naturally turned to liabilities. We'd settled on the theme of a "backyard carnival" complete with a swing set, a trampoline, merry-go-round, and a giant Slip 'n Slide. So I carefully inspected the equipment for safety. It all seemed sound We have a home on a bluff overlooking the ocean.
    via James O. Thach
  • 03
    Text - clown we'd hired made balloon animals, Crispin eagerly opened his presents, and all the children enjoyed cake and fruit punch. The weather was mild, the skies clear. It seemed a perfect day. Then we brought out the Slip 'n Slide The problem with water slides is what we in the trade call "distributed water deficiency zones", or in layman's terms, dry spots. If a child hits one of these, it can put the brakes on the fun, and send them sliding down a path of medical claims--contusions, concu
    via James O. Thach
  • 04
    Text - children could enjoy the slide in complete safety, then wash off in the hose before their parents came to retrieve them. With that in mind, I dipped each child into the vat before allowing them to cue up for the slide The Slip 'n Slide itself performed admirably, as did the lubricant. That, in fact, was the problem. Due to the slight downhill gradient of our yard, the children built up so much speed that they skidded across the lawn and into a retaining wall at the other end of our proper
    via James O. Thach
  • 05
    Text - I saw young Eliza Gimmelman climb onto the trampoline. She began jumping, but the pad soon became so slick that she lost all control. Her wild flailing unfortunately fell into harmonic synchronization with the motion of the springs, propelling her ever higher, until she soared above the trampoline's safety enclosure, over the hedge and into the neighbor's yard. There came a ghastly grinding sound, and I could tell from the crimson plume that followed, it would be a total loss. Twins Jerem
    via James O. Thach
  • 06
    Text - sailing forward over the bluff, and plummeting 300 feet down into the ice- cold, shark-infested waters of the San Francisco Bay. An open claim, but not promising The rest of the children were clinging to the merry-go-round. Having just witnessed the violent deaths of at least two of their playmates, they were no longer in the mood for fun. However, the lubricant had dripped from their glistening bodies into the central cog, allowing it to spin far faster than it was designed to, and this,
    via James O. Thach
  • 07
    Text - our greenhouse. Lisa Aurelio shattered a line of ceramic garden gnomes, and Ethan Green slammed into our Audi Q7 so hard it had to be written off--as, tragically, did he. Several other children left what looked like gingerbread man indentations in the siding of our home. It was terrifying When the wheel finally came to a stop, there was only one child aboard. As luck would have it, it was our own beloved Crispin, huddled in the center of the merry-go-round, weeping. My wife ran to him and
    via James O. Thach
  • 08
    Text - end, no actuary table could have predicted this bloodbath. I can only conclude that this was an act of God And that, to me, is truly terrifying. Because we're not covered for that. 1,476 of 1,551 people found this review helpful
    via James O. Thach

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