Woman accepts boyfriend's public proposal to avoid embarrassing him in front of family, later rejects him behind closed doors: ‘Now I have to tell everyone we’re not engaged'

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  • 01
    "I've heard stories about how rejecting someone in public can humiliate them, and really didn't want to do that to him, especially in front of everyone he cares about. So, I said yes in the moment. Everyone cheered, and he looked so happy. I felt horrible for misleading him."
  • 02
    r/AITAH u/Nearby-Package8535. 2d AITA for saying yes to my boyfriend's public proposal and then turning him down in private?
  • 03
    So my (26F) boyfriend (28M) and I have been dating for about three years. Things have been good, but I've been clear that I'm not ready for marriage just yet. I've told him I need more time to feel comfortable with such a big step.
  • 04
    Well, a few weeks ago, we went to a big party hosted by his family for his dad's 60th. I noticed that he was acting a little nervous but didn't think much of it. Then, during the event, he got everyone's attention, got down on one knee, and proposed to me in front of all his friends and family. I was completely caught off guard and panicked.
  • 05
    Now, I've heard stories about how rejecting someone in public can humiliate them, and I really didn't want to do that to him, especially in front of everyone he cares about. So, I said yes in the moment. Everyone cheered, and he looked so happy. I felt horrible for misleading him, but I didn't know what else to do.
  • 06
    After the party, on the car ride home I told him privately and explained that while I love him, I'm not ready to get married yet and that I only said yes to avoid embarrassing him in front of everyone. I thought being honest in private was the best thing to do.
  • 07
    He got really upset and said I'd humiliated him even more because now he has to go back and tell everyone that we're not actually engaged. He said I should've just said no at the party if that's how I felt. I feel terrible that I've hurt him and put him in this position, but I also feel like he put me on the spot in front of everyone without considering my feelings.
  • 08
    We've yet to tell his family or anyone and they keep calling and texting to give their congrats which is upsetting him even more and I'm seeing videos his friends posted online of him getting on one knee so it's pretty public now.
  • 09
    So, Reddit, AITA? Should I have just said no in public, or was I right to spare him the embarrassment in the moment? 14.3k ☐ 6,309 D D
  • 10
    ed2nev • 2d NTA. This could have been written by me. If you see him as a future husband then I'd recommend just having a long engagement instead of ending the engagement. Usually ending an engagement means the whole relationship is over and him having to explain that you're not engaged but still together will raise a lot of questions. Not to mention, it will be black mark against you in the eyes of his family and friends.
  • 11
    If, however, you don't see yourself marrying him at all, then call it quits now. He wants marriage, if you don't want it or don't want it with him then you have different ideas of the future. If you're not on board with ever marrying him then it's just cruel to stay in a relationship with him.
  • 12
    I told my now husband a few days after the engagement that while I absolutely saw myself marrying him, I wasn't ready yet and told him I wanted a long engagement. He understood and we were engaged for 9 years before we eventually got married. We've now been married for 7 years and have two kids. Reply 116.3k
  • 13
    Nearby-Package8535 OP. 2d I guess you're right. I didn't want to admit it, cos | love him but there are a few internal reasons why I hesitate to marry him. First, my parents do not really approve him and ik I'm a grown woman I shouldn't care what they think bla bla and tbh they've sorta come round to him but marriage is a big step and I don't want to hear the whole "I don't want to see you make a decision you're gonna regret " talk.
  • 14
    Also, I'm only admitting this because reddit is annonymous but I kinda want him to get his life together just a little bit before we get married. He doesn't have a stable job yet and I don't want to be that naggy girlfriend but I just want us to be financially stable before we tie the knot and possibly bring kids into the world. We COULD survive with my salary as a Vet but...maybe it's selfish of me but I would like to see him contribute a bit more to the pot as well so it doesn't feel like "my
  • 15
    Sleepygirl57. 2d And that's why your parents don't like him. IF you don't want to break up this is your answer. We stay engaged until we are more financially set. He's either going to step up or not. If he doesn't move on. Set a timeline you want to see what happens. One year, 10 years your call. Just make certain you don't get pregnant! 4.9k
  • 16
    quackerjacks45 • 2d These are all valid concerns. You need to have an honest, serious discussion with him. Without explaining your concerns, he's never going to be able to prove he's on the same page and serious about a life with you. If you agree to the long engagement under certain conditions then you have a goal in mind. However, if you have a feeling he's just not going to get his life together enough to be an equal partner (which after 3 years at 26 and 28, I think deep down you know if he
  • 17
    unaskedtabitha • 2d He's 28... if he's so fragile that you can't tell him these things, nor has he done enough to be stable by now, it's not going to happen. You could tell him, as you're exiting the relationship, but you aren't obligated to. ... 50
  • 18
    Longjumping_Desk_839. 2d NTA. He asked you publicly when you'd been clear that you're not ready for marriage yet. You were nice by not embarrassing him. Reply 9.6k
  • 19
    x6ba9q9y 2d Public proposals should only happen if both people are on the same page about marriage. He set himself up for disappointment by not considering OP feelings beforehand. 1 3.9k
  • 20
    laskdjhfg. 2d But ultimately he's going to be embarrassed because he has to tell everyone they aren't actually engaged. It's all his fault and she didn't do anything wrong. He embarrassed himself. ← 141
  • 21
    atmasabr 2d NTA. Not a close question. He should know before he does something like that. And honestly I think he was trying to manipulate you. It didn't work. ← Reply 3.8k
  • 22
    addanothernamehere • 2d Yes, this is a BIZARRE proposal. At his father's birthday? In front of HIS family? When you hadn't indicated that you were 100% ready for a ring? I don't know what that proposal was about, but it wasn't about you or what you wanted. 1443
  • 23
    Exciting-Truck6813 • 2d NTA. Also he hijacked his father's birthday and made it about him (and you). Not cool. Reply 383
  • 24
    Icanzllravor • 2d NTA because you made it clear previously that you aren't ready for the next steps. Three years in and you still don't know would be a red flag for me, if I am him though. I don't forsee your relationship lasting much longer. He is clearly ready for marriage and you aren't even in the same ball park. Reply 173
  • 25
    Nearby-Package8535 OP.2d He's never really indicated he wants marriage right now either though that's why I'm confused - he's still looking for a stable job ... ← ✩ 170

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