Man refuses to give girlfriend his Social Security number for a 'background check,' narrowly avoids manipulative scam by breaking up

Author image for Ely Bulnes
Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Jan 6, 2025 4:00 PM EST

Welcome, gossiping goddesses. You can never be too careful when it comes to dating these days. Now that most couples are meeting each other online, it's easy for people to embellish or outright lie about themselves in order to attract partners. Fake profiles used to catfish or lure strangers into a relationship are all too common. It's easier now more than ever to fake a profile with hundreds of followers, realistic pictures, and likes from bot accounts — you just have to invest a little bit of money. 

In our story today, a woman wants to make sure that her new boyfriend isn't some creep in disguise. She demands a background check, which is reasonable if not a bit overly-cautious. However, she demands that he give her his Social Security number and pulls out all the manipulation tactics in the book when he attempts to compromise by agreeing to pay for a private background check instead of giving out sensitive information. Get all the details by scrolling down. 

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  • 01
    20 F11 F12 8 BkSp "I told her I understand and respect your need to ensure your safety, but I'm not willing to potentially compromise my safety. to make you feel safe by handing over my SSN to someone I don't know and trust." Sus Ra Alt
    via towfiqu barbhuiya
  • 02
    r/AITAH u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101 • 1d Update: AITAH For Not Giving My Girlfriend My Social Security Number So She Can Run A Background Check On Me
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101

    Umm, is this what people usually mean when they ask for your digits?

  • 03
    After reading the comments I've been getting over the last few days I decided to call her on new years eve and give things one last chance because I'm the type of person that needs to know I did everything I could before I walk away from a relationship. And some people said she has valid concerns, she just went about them the wrong way, which made sense.
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101

    I mean no one wants to unknowingly get into a relationship with someone with a sketchy background, but you can just Google their name or something.

  • 04
    I told her I understand and respect your need to ensure your safety, but I'm not willing to potentially compromise my safety to make you feel safe by handing over my SSN to someone I don't know and don't trust. And it's illegal for him to even use a federal database for personal reasons. So that's out, but what I WILL do is pay for a background check of your choosing so long as it's a legitimate service and give you the results. I will NOT be providing my social security number to anyone, but my
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101

    That's a really reasonable solution.

  • 05
    She refused and said that she has chosen a background check and that's having her friend do it because she knows that she can trust him. So I said if that's how you feel and you won't budge, then the issue here is trust, and I'm not willing to stay in a relationship with a woman that doesn't trust me because of some sh that doesn't have anything to do with me. I'm not paying for another man's sins, and I'm not giving you my social security number because your ex was a criminal. She started cryin
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101

    So, here it became clear that it wasn't really about the background check. 

  • 06
    She got ped and started accusing me of lying about caring about her safety and saying if I really cared then I'd have no problem doing this because I don't understand how vulnerable women are in society. So I said I was willing to work with you up to a reasonable point, but now you're just trying to manipulate me, and I don't feel safe being with you anymore. Because if this is how you react when you don't get your way about having my SSN, what happens the next time we have a major
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101

    She pulled out all the manipulation tactics for this scam.

  • 07
    disagreement or a serious situation come up? Are you going to keep crying to try and get your way or throw out another ultimatum to try and force me into doing what you want? She started saying that as a man I can't understand what it's like to go through life as a woman and have to be afraid and that this is what she has to do for her safety and
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101
  • 08
    security and I need to just respect that and give her what she needs for her comfort. I was like I tried to compromise, you wouldn't accept it, there's nothing more to say here. And to be clear I wasn't exactly calm, I have severe anxiety so this was a really, really hard conversation for me to have. I was actively pacing around my house and sweating and forcing words out the entire time.
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101
  • 09
    Then she started crying and asking about new years because we were supposed to spend it with her parents. I said you should have thought about that before you tried to strong arm me into getting your way. This isn't a and everyone stood up and applauded moment, that's just how things went. I hung up and now we're over. Obviously I'm hurt, but I'm realizing I dodged a bullet because there's no reason sh should have gotten this messy.
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101
  • 10
    And before anyone tries to jump me in the comments, again, I offered to pay for the check, she refused because it wasn't the test she wanted. I feel like I made a good faith effort to resolve things. Hate to ring in the new year without a kiss under the mistletoe, but it is what it is. I don't know if she really is that concerned I'm some lunatic criminal. Or if she's trying to scam me like a lot of you said. Either way, it's over now. 21.5k 2,919 5 D
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101

    He did everything to do to assuage her worries, but she still stood her ground unreasonably.

  • 11
    kirinspeaks 1d If you know which friend she was gonna have run the background check, report him to his employer because he's 100% gonna get investigated and likely fired for misusing personal information. Reply 6.1k
    via u/kirinspeaks
  • 12
    Jaque_LeCaque • 1d There's no friend. She was going to take out a loan in his name and/or get some credit cards to max out. She was trying to scam him. ... 4.4k
    via u/Jaque_LeCaque
  • 13
    Foxy_locksy1704 • 1d Totally, I worked for a state agency that had access to federal data bases. I had a federal security clearance for work purposes. A co worker of mine abused the system our agencies management was alerted, 3 weeks later she was terminated. It's a professional privilege to have those clearances and they should not be taken lightly. 357
    via u/Foxy_locksy1704
  • 14
    Confident_Nav6767 • 1d Chances are they don't actually work for any agency like that and they were just trying to scam op. I can't imagine someone who works for an agency being so cool with their friend just casually announcing that they ab e their power for personal gain. 169
    via u/Confident_Nav6767

    The "friend" is probably her other fake identity.

  • 15
    cicada_noises • 1d Given that federal employees not only will absolutely get fired but also ARRESTED for misuse of government systems like that, it's highly unlikely this "friend" exists. 101
    via u/cicada_noises
  • 16
    MissyxAlli 1d . As a woman, I don't understand her need for a SSN, lol. Good riddance & happy new year! Reply 111.9k ♡
    via u/MissyxAlli
  • 17
    Full_Pace7666 • 1d Good for you for ending things. She sounds cuckoo bananas if she isn't a con artist Reply 1.8k
    via u/Full_Pace7666
  • 18
    544075701• 1d She didn't want your SSN for a background check. She wanted it to commit financial fraud, most likely. Reply 1.1k
    via u/544075701
  • 19
    jemy 74. 1d I agree and would urge to at least check your credit report and maybe freeze it temporarily until this blows over. ... 203
    via u/jemy74

    He should up his home security too if she knows where he lives. She seems unstable and persistent.

  • 20
    Temporary_Nebula_295. 1d Change your locks if she has a key. She doesn't sound like the type to accept this without it being on her terms. Reply 374
    via u/Temporary_Nebula_295
  • 21
    nyoprinces 1d • The only person she trusts to do a background check is one who's doing it illegally? Good job avoiding being scammed, my friend. Reply 132
    via u/nyoprinces
  • 22
    karendonner • 1d You do NOT need an SSN to do a background check, by the way. I order them all the time and all we usually need is a name and a DOB. If it's a super- common name we use pattern matching (addresses, etc) but most comprehensive background checks don't even allow you to use an SSN to search by -- certainly not the ones that delve into criminal history; for those, you just need to pay a criminal justice records collater to do a comprehensive search. What you sometimes DO need an SSN
    via u/karendonner
  • 23
    throwbackblue • 1d no. she trying to gaslight you with tears. If your feed a person insecurity it will become worse. giving in to her will lead to her wanting more Reply 647
    via u/throwbackblue
  • 24
    Bannon CirrhoticLiver • 1d Agreed. She can't be rationally talked out of this position because she didn't ration herself into it. She is too insecure to be in a relationship at this point if these are things she demands and the tactics she employs to get what she wants. 126
    via u/BannonCirrhoticLiver

    It's her way or the highway (thankfully for our protagonist, he's happily driving away at full speed).

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