'I don't feel like I need to apologize or justify my choice': Mom gives son cash gift for finishing grad school, neglects to acknowledge daughter-in-law who graduated with him

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Jan 7, 2025 12:00 PM EST

Giving a gift is a great way to acknowledge that you're thinking of someone. It doesn't have to be much, but a little goes a long way. Some of the best gifts aren't the most expensive ones, but the ones that show you know something about them and their interests. It's also a way to show that you consider someone a part of your family. If you've made it to the inner circle of gift-giving, that's a big deal, so to be able to extend that to someone is a really nice gesture. 

This is especially pertinent when someone in your family gets married. It's on you as a family member to include them in your family as much as you can. You hold the key to your family's approval and you want to wield it responsibly. Gifts are an easy and seamless way to include a significant other in the family's fun and to show that you care about them. 

Advertisement

  • In this situation, thought, one mom didn't quite get the message. When her son, who she was careful to point out that she raised as a single mom, accomplished a huge milestone when he graduated graduate school, she was quick to swoop in with a gift. But she failed to acknowledge her son's wife, who had also accomplished the same milestone. Read on for the story. 

  • 01

    When graduation day came, the praise wasn't equal on all fronts.

    Cheezburger Image 10451274496
    via Unsplash+ (Andrej Lišakov)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for only getting a college graduation gift for my 28M son and not my DIL 28F?
    via u/SetLongjumping5521
  • 03
    So I'm a 55F and my son who I raised as a single mother recently graduated from grad school. His wife my DIL also graduated at the same time and I gave a special gift of a bit of cash just to my son because I'm proud of him as his mother and I feel a sense of pride since I raised him as a single mom.
    via u/SetLongjumping5521
  • 04
    I figured my DIL had her own parents to gift to her. Well my DIL texted me saying she was very hurt that I only acknowledged my son (her husband's grad) and not hers as she thought she was a part of the family as my DIL and they been together for a while. She said she didn't expect the same
    via u/SetLongjumping5521
  • 05
    amount of money of course but just a card or something. She said she felt like I overlooked all her hard work and only saw my son's. However I don't feel like I need to apologize or justify my choice in wanting to reward my son individually.
    via u/SetLongjumping5521
  • 06
    I could be the AH for overlooking my DIL's accomplishment and only acknowledging my son's.
    via u/SetLongjumping5521
  • 07

    Outside perspectives were swift in shutting down this woman's attitude.

    Cheezburger Image 10451274752
    via Unsplash+ (Pablo Merchán Montes)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 08
    K. . 18h ago Edited 18h ago . YTA. She's 100% right that it's more about the gesture and thought. A card would have sufficed.
    via u/KelpieMane
  • 09
    When my husband graduated his parents bought him a car. When I finished graduate school (not at the same time as him and long before we were married) they got me a grocery store orchid. I was incredibly touched by them considering me.
    via u/KelpieMane
  • 10
    Your choice to reward your son individually with money is not what's in question here. It's your choice not to celebrate your daughter-in- law's accomplishment that is the issue. So the fact that you typed this sentence is telling, "I don't feel like I need to apologize or justify my choice in wanting to reward my son individually."
    via u/KelpieMane
  • 11
    It makes it clear you don't even respect her enough to listen to her about what she's actually getting upset about. This is the equivalent of getting your son an elaborate gift for Christmas and nothing at all for your daughter-in-law and then saying "I don't think I need to apologize or explain
    via u/KelpieMane
  • 12
    why I wanted to get my son a gift." She's asking you to apologize and/or explain why you completely ignored her accomplishment. Not to get defensive about your right to celebrate your son's accomplishment.
    via u/KelpieMane
  • 13
    No one is questioning you getting your son an individual gift, she's simply pointing out that it was thoughtless and a bit rode to do nothing to acknowledge her accomplishments too. You clearly saw graduation as something to honor and celebrate and trying to justify
    via u/KelpieMane
  • 14
    it by saying you were a single mom and she has her own parents is problematic especially if her parents have been welcoming to your son (which they potentially have). Neither of their graduations from graduate school are primarily about you. Both of them put in the hard work.
    via u/KelpieMane
  • 15
    Both of them are your family. Obviously you might do more for a son than a daughter-in- law, but celebrating one and completely ignoring the accomplishments of the other is not great (and it's a little worrisome that you tried to imply the reason you want to honor your son's accomplishments more is because you see them as an extension of your own, it's giving main character energy).
    via u/KelpieMane
  • 16
    This is one of those situations where you're telling your daughter-in-law that you don't actually consider her family at all, which may seem small, but has some longer term impacts if she and your son do stay married for many years.
    via u/KelpieMane
  • 17
    Even if you're purely as selfish as you came across here with this one post, there will probably come a point. where she won't consider you to be family either after smaller incidents like this happen repeatedly and, if they have children or you ever need elder care, expect to lose out.
    via u/KelpieMane
  • 18
    • Electrical_Ad76... 18h ago. YTA. A card, a bouquet of flowers or a letter acknowledging how hard she worked would have been minimal effort on your part and been special to her. she is being honest with you, perhaps validating her feelings might be a great way to have a deeper relationship with her.
    via u/Electrical_Ad7675
  • 19
    24601moamo 18h ago. • • YTA. You didn't even get her a card? Harsh. Well congratulations, you just bought yourself less time with your son. If he's smart, he won't hang around often with people who don't treat his wife right. Now to be fair, you did say you were single for most of your life so you aren't used to thinking about others.
    via u/24601moamo
  • 20
    Dobercatmom65 18h ago • My husband and I graduated college together. His mom came for the graduation, while mine couldn't (too many other kids still at home, which was 600 miles away). I didn't think I'd mind until the day of graduation. Hubby got a lovely card and gift from his mom, and a big deal made over him, and I had... nothing.
    via u/Dobercatmom65
  • 21
    I didn't think it would hurt, but it did. I'm the first in my family to graduate college, and there was nothing. The celebration after graduation was all about my husband's graduation, and I was just a tagalong. I didn't even get a card from my MIL, not that I really expected one (I really didn't),
    via u/Dobercatmom65
  • 22
    but it sure would have been nice. I knew she didn't mean anything by it (we'd only been married a couple years at this point and she barely knew me) she just honestly hadn't thought about it. But it still diminished the day for me. I never said anything about it to anyone until now. Over the years, I came to love my MIL, and still mourn her passing.
    via u/Dobercatmom65
  • 23
    EaseUsed5465 · 18h ago • . It sounds like you didn't acknowledge her at all, not that you didn't get her a gift. If she's been around for a few years and you've got an OK relationship, YTA.
    via u/EaseUsed5465
  • 24
    tosser9212 • 18h ago Eh, if she'd been looking for a payout I'd be giving you a pass, but you didn't even get her a congratulations card? She's your DIL? Yeah, YTA. I'd be surprised if your son isn't annoyed with you as well.
    via u/tosser9212
  • 25
    AkraStar 18h ago • • YTA I think it sends a message that you don't consider your DIL as part of your family. You didn't have to get her anything expensive, even some flowers and a card. But, you chose to exclude her.
    via u/AkraStar
  • 26
    My MIL treats me as if I'm her daughter, she doesn't say in- law, she says daughter. I'm treated the same way her sons are, because to her we're family. My mum isn't the same way, and it's noticeable.
    via u/AkraStar

Want More? Follow Us and Add Us as a Preferred Source on Google.

Tags

family drama daughter in law aita gifts graduation drama grad school moms parenting mother in law reddit thread parent Reddit adult children Parenting Fail parents children Parenting FAILS
Scroll Down For The Next Article