Husband pressures wife into having baby, freaks out when she admits she is struggling with their 7-month-old: 'I'm constantly exhausted'

When you get into a serious relationship, there are a few areas where it is pretty much non-negotiable to have the same outlook. One of the most important of these topics is whether or not you both want to have kids. Becoming a parent is one of the most seismic changes that a person can go through, and more often than not it will drastically affect how you are as a couple as well. 

Despite this, there are plenty of relationships and marriages out there that face issues because of a child-wanting gap. Sometimes an individual's ideas about having kids will change over time, and they hope that the same will happen with their partner—or, they hide their true feelings about starting a family because it makes the relationship easier to maintain in the short term. It is no shock that when this happens, things will often end badly.

Author image for Ally Perry Ally Perry
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  • One woman who fell foul of this felt like she had no option but to speak out. When this 31-year-old married her husband 6 years ago, she was adamant about being childfree and thought that her partner felt the same. However, a few years into their marriage her husband started to mention that he wanted a family. 

    The discussions became so serious that they had a baby last year, but the two parents have developed very different perspectives on what it is like to have a young child. Despite loving her baby, the wife feels tired, trapped, and unable to advance in her career while her husband takes on the role of the main breadwinner and secondary parent.

    When she expressed her frustrations with her husband, he got upset, leading her to wonder if she had approached things the wrong way. She looked to the internet for validation.

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    AITAH for being resentful toward my husband after he pressured me into having a baby I didn’t want?

    I (31F) have been married to my husband (33M) for six years. Before we got married, we had a clear agreement that we weren't going to have kids. I've never wanted to be a parent, and I thought he felt the same. About two years ago, he started changing his mind. At first, it was little comments like, "Wouldn't it be fun to have a little one running around?" Then it turned into serious conversations where he said he couldn't imagine his life without being a dad. I told him I still didn't want kids
    via throwaway32974629364
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    Eventually, I gave in. I figured maybe he was right, and I didn't want to lose my marriage over this. Now we have a 7-month-old baby, and while I love my child, I can't shake the feeling that this life isn't what I wanted. I'm constantly exhausted, my career has taken a backseat, and I feel trapped in a role I didn't ask for. My husband, on the other hand, is thriving. He loves being a dad but works long hours, leaving most of the parenting to me.
    via throwaway32974629364
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    Recently, I told him I'm struggling and feel like I was pressured into this. He got upset and said I was being unfair because I "agreed" to have the baby. He thinks I just need to adjust and stop dwelling on what I wanted before. I feel guilty for feeling this way, and I don't want my child to ever feel unloved. But I can't help but resent my husband for pushing me into something I was so clear about not wanting. AITAH?
    via throwaway32974629364
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    The sympathies of commenters were firmly with the new mom.

    Realistic-Animator-3 Daycare for the baby and get your career back on track. He loves being a dad because he isn't home most of the time and nothing has changed concerning his career. His days are basically the same as before the baby, with the exception of whatever time he spends with the child. He got what he wanted, has little change in his routine, job unaffected, and doesn't seem to care how you feel. NTA, but resentment will eat you alive. Take back your life and what you wanted for it.
    via Realistic-Animator-3
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    GardenSafe8519 Good advice. He wanted the child he needs to pay for day care or a nanny so OP can also thrive again.
    via GardenSafe8519
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    annang No, he can't just outsource childcare. He also has to be the primary parent during the hours they're home with the child.
    via annang
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    deeply_depressd I agree with this one. He needs to work less hours and take on some of the household chores AND mental load.
    via deeply_depressd
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    HoshiJones I'm so sorry you gave in. Now it's up to you to demand he take on his share of the parenting. Tell him you're no longer going to neglect your career, and he's going to have to make some sacrifices for the child he wanted. NTA. I would be wild with resentment in your place.
    via HoshiJones
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    True-Raspberry-5370 Exactly and DO NOT let him further try to guilt you into his idea or society's idea of what a "good" mother looks like. Cause I can already hear him when YOU start asking for the necessary tools you need to get your life back on track. Do/ask for whatever, whether it's a nanny or daycare or whatever it is you need to raise his child. Do this so your resentment doesn't spill into divorce or your child doesn't start feeling it as they get older. Cause kids pick up on everything
    via True-Raspberry-5370
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    Reporter_Complex Yep, agree. OP, tell him you're going back to work. I wouldn't even make it a discussion, sign the kid up for daycare/find a sitter and get back to work. I hate that society still treats women like this. it's dads child as well, and he should be putting in 50% of the work. He wanted this, so he should be fine with making adjustments to suit. If not, I'd give him the ultimatum. Sh changes or divorce, and custody split 70/30 to him. He'll have to work it out either way lol (Ultima
    via Reporter_Complex
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    Bubashii Women really need to stop giving in in these circumstances...would have been better to lose the marriage
    via Bubashii
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    BasicHaterade Like he's just a dude. The same way women are just one of billions. If it's not right don't let it derail your entire life. Especially bringing in a dependent third party.
    via BasicHaterade
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    sethra007 I used to advise younger women that if their boyfriends or husbands want children, make your man take care of an infant or small child for a long weekend by himself. As in: 1. Get a family member or friend with an infant or toddler to agree to let your SO take care of said child for a full weekend. Friday night at 5p to Sunday night at 5p. 2. You, on the other hand, disappear for the weekend. If he protests, point out that he has to know what he's doing if-- heaven forbid!--you di d un
    via sethra007
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    mitisdeponecolla Exactly. I do not understand what could be so great about a marriage to a man who very obviously lied to you about not wanting children.
    via mitisdeponecolla
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    Standard_Edge_9417 Men want to be parents because they get to be a dad. They don't have to carry the baby, birth it, in most cases be the primary caregiver, because in most cases it "makes sense" for the women to leave their career/put it on hold. Men mostly get to leave when they want I, to their job, to their mates, whatever without feeling a lot of guilt, bother knowing how or when to chip on and help out. They may find it hard to "soothe" the baby cause "mum does it better" and leave all tho
    via Standard_Edge_9417
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    GuyWhoKnows More ThanU NTA. Should have divorced him instead of giving in to the pressure. Please don't take out the resentment on the child, if you start having those feelings get some help. (Not saying you WILL, just saying in case.) And probably divorce your hubbie regardless.
    via GuyWhoKnowsMoreThanU
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    PeaceLoveAndZombiez Men want babies the same way kids want a puppy. Ultimately you're the one who takes care of it and they just play with it sometimes until they're bored ΝΤΑ
    via PeaceLoveAndZombiez
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    au5000 ΝΤΑ It's 2025 not 1965. Both parents should share responsibilities and care for the kid. This benefits the kid and the marriage. Your husband needs to do more. I'm guessing you may be in a country with minimal parental leave or where dropping hours to accommodate childcare is difficult. This doesn't mean it's all down to the mother for all care. Your career should not suffer whilst his soars. You need to sit down - perhaps with a family therapist - and negotiate co parenting.
    via au5000
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    MonitorOfChaos You knew what you wanted and didn't stay true to yourself. You really should have divorced him. So you could both have the life you wanted. Now your life is no longer yours and never will be again. He's dumped the child care into your lap as most of them do. Put the kid in child care and put your husband down as primary contact. Let him be the go to for everything. You need to start setting the pattern now. I do hope you're prepared for divorce when he wants another one.
    via MonitorOfChaos
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    410Writer You're not the a h le.....you're human, and you're tired. Your husband manipulated you. He knew from the jump that you didn't want kids, then chipped away at your boundary until you caved. That's not a "change of heart"; that's emotional coercion. And now? He's reaping the rewards of fatherhood while you're left to shoulder the bulk of the work and sacrifice the life you wanted. Your resentment is valid, and he needs to hear it: "I love our child, but this wasn't my dream...it was your
    via 410Writer
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